The Devil's Dentist

I had to go to the Dentist yesterday. Such a joyful experience. My Dentist is actually a very nice guy. He has a smiley face, glasses, looks like a mopheaded giant cherub. Until he gets you in the chair. And then he is possessed by Satan. The mild mannered Clark Kent disguise is just a facade. I believe he derives a sick satisfaction from watching me squirm frantically in his chair. I have finally deciphered his sick code.

It doesn't hurt means It's gonna really hurt
It might hurt means You are going to cry.
This will hurt means The pain is so bad it will give you diarrhea, possibly in your pants. This is why the chair is covered in plastic.

Last week I went in for a regular cleaning and was told that I needed a deep tissue gum cleaning in order to get rid of gum disease and keep all my teeth. When your dentist asks you if you want to keep all your teeth, you answer yes, right? Don't worry, he says, you're gonna thank me for this.

Here's the thing, you need to get 4 needles in your mouth to be able to withstand deep tissus gum cleaning. And it is so bad, they make you do it on two separate days, one side of the mouth at a time.

Wait a minute, if this is a cleaning, why do I need shots? Seriously I hate shots in my gums. I can take any needle in my body but a needle in my gum is the most horrendous thing. The only thing worse would be a needle in my eyeball as I watched.

We need to remove all the diseased gum and so we have to give you some anesthesia. Dr. Evil says, right as he jabs a 4 inch needle into the lower gum, jawline. HOld still, he says, you are making it worse.

I'M MAKING IT WORSE?!!!! IS HE (word censored) ME?!!! Not only has he jabbed a 4 inch needle in my mouth, but now he is moving it around WHILE IT IS STILL INSERTED IN MY MOUTH!!! as he squirts the medicine all over my gum line. The anesthesia works so quickly that my lip instantly sags to my chest and my eyeball is numb.

Dr? My eye is numb! I say. But what comes out is. Dorrer, mah ah zzzz umm.

I am fairly sure he doesn't understand what I am saying but he says, Don't worry, it's normal.

My eyeball is frozen in place and feels like someone took it out and replaced it with a large marble but apparently it is normal.

My mouth is filled with water and the incessant scraping of his dental cleaning instruments of torture fill my ears when suddenly I jump. Ow! Why isn't my anesthesia working?

"Oh did that hurt?" Why no! Of course not! I slid down half the length of the chair because it's more comfortable sitting with my butt hanging off the end of the chair.

"Imagine how bad it would have been without anesthesia!" Har har. I imagine I would be dead.

Gargle, gargle, mmmmphhh, spray gargle, blah blah, gargle.

Translation - perhaps we should wait for the anesthesia to kick in some more.

"It'll be fine! Open your mouth nice and wide. There you go, good girl," he says.

OWWWWWWWWWWWW! GRRRRR, spit bubble, dribble, gargle, mmmmphhp, spray, MMMMMMPPHPHHPHPH, ARGH!!! I am insistent.

"Are you sure that hurt? You should be quite numb by now. Hmm, let's suction your mouth."

He gives me the suction to suck out all the water and debris but doesn't give me a chance to respond before shoving his instruments and that damn water pick back in my mouth.

"Gosh that's disgusting. You can't believe the amount of diseased gum I am picking out right now! You will be thanking me when you are 70 and eating with all your teeth."

Thanks are just not what is coming to mind for me right now. And why is it that Dentists feel they must sustain a conversation with you during a dental procedure when they've got their hands down your throat?

When we are all done, he asks, "There, that wasn't so bad was it?"

I want to scream at him. I want to curse him for the horrible pain he has caused me. But all that comes out is a long stringy line of drool.

"Oh here, let me mop that up for you. You have quite a lot of drool there. Do you have a drooling problem while you sleep?"

Drool is the least of my problems. The whole right side of my face feels like it is melting off. My eye is still numb, I cannot move it. I now have a lazy eye. I need to stare to my left to compensate, otherwise I would walk in circles. My left eye has decided to twitch at this juncture. So now I have a twitchy left eye and a lazy right eye, I am drooling from a fat lip that hangs down past my chin and my right nostril has begun to drip, which I am only aware of because it is dripping onto my fat lip and I can taste something salty.

"You did great! Let's schedule an appointment to finish the whole procedure for next week!" he says with a great big jovial smile.

Maybe dentures wouldn't be such a bad thing.