Monday, August 25, 2008


Most of my friends would jump at the chance to tell people how weird I am. Da man and the girls all think I'm bizarre. Not quirky. No. Never quirky. Quirky is that oddball you know who wears long dangling earrings with pretty flowerly peasant skirts and high tops who sings kumbaya and talks in that new agey way that always makes you think they were sniffing alot of glue along with their artsy fartsy crafty projects. No that is not me. I'm the weird mom that likes to tell her kids in a very serious voice that they shouldn't panic because a bug is crawling up their pants leg and then laughs uproariously with the ensuing panic. I'm the weirdo that puts a ripe red cherry in my mouth and pretends to punch myself, then biting down on the cherry and allowing bright red juice to stream out.

So I'm weird. I embrace my weirdness.

Yesterday, I was in the bathroom and noticing the gray roots at the top of my head. Unfortunately, I have been prematurely graying since I was 16. Clairol is my best friend. But I hate to dye my hair too often so I have a neat little trick that I use. I buy myself some waterproof mascara in dark brown (sorry blondies, this trick can't help you) and touch up my roots with mascara. I find this very clever but my husband thinks it is absolutely bizarre. He walks in and watches me using mascara on my hair and just shakes his head.

"You do realize that it is for your eyes, right?" he says.

"Duh!" I reply.

"Well how do you know it is ok to use on your hair?" he asks.

I stop and just stare at him. "Because if it is safe for my eyes, the most sensitive part of my body, then it is more than safe for my hair, duh!"

"Yeah, you think you're so smart," he sneers. "I'm just saying, cause you seem to have a problem with using products in the proper manner. Like taking off your makeup with toilet paper."

"What? It's clean!"

"It's toilet paper! For your butt. You're disgusting!"

"I'm creative. You should be proud of my resourcefulness," I respond. "I am so very resourceful in ways you have no idea."

He stops short and just stares at me.

"Just how resourceful are you?" he asks suspiciously.

"Well, when you had that bad rash on your arm and chest and I gave you some of that funky smelling white creme to stop the itch. You never asked what it was," I say.

He looks alarmed.

"I'll give you a hint, it starts with an H," I say.

"You put butt creme on my arm?" He yells.

"Hey, what does it matter what I used as long as it stopped the itch?" I ask.

"That's just not right!" he says, stomping off.

Nah, I did not use preparation H on his rash, it was just hydrocortisone. But I just love freaking him out.


Angie said...

LOL! I think it's your husband who's weird, seriously. I mean, who cares what the label says so long as it works and doesn't have any nasty side-effects? Someone who won't use toilet paper on his face because it's "for" your butt is just way too neurotic. Or is that obsessive? Whatever. :D

I used to work in a fabric store and every now and then some woman (sorry for the gender police, but it always was a woman, 'cause it was a fabric store) would come in who'd obviously learned how to sew under a particularly strict Home Ec teacher. You know, the folks who can follow the instructions exactly, but don't have enough comprehension of exactly what they're doing or how it all worked (or possibly enough confidence in themselves and their own brain) to make Any Changes At All to the pattern.

One woman came in and wanted to make a skirt. She found a pattern she liked and brought it up to the counter, but decided not to get it because the hem came to just below the knee and she wanted it just above. "Well, Ma'am," I said in my best helpful-clerk voice, "why don't you just hem it up over the knee?"

She looked at me like I'd sprouted a second head, then went away and put the pattern back. :P

Another woman came in, found another skirt pattern, this time for her daughter. She thought about it for a while, then decided not to get it because it called for regular lace and she wanted to use eyelet lace. "Well, Ma'am," I said in the same voice as described earlier, "why don't you just use the eyelet lace if that's what you like?"

I apparently sprouted a third head at that point. I really need to mention it to my doctor -- pretty soon I'll be a whole convention all by myself. [wry smile]

Or maybe those women were just related to your husband...? :D


Kappa no He said...

Ha! Love it! I agree with your logic on both the mascara and toilet tissue. And I have heard of people using Prep H for bags under the eyes so...hey, it might have worked had you given it to him.

strugglingwriter said...

That's it. Next time I get into the poison ivy I'm breaking out the butt cream, for scientific purposes of course :)

Ambera said...

I went grey when I was 16 too! That's a very good idea..

Lana Gramlich said...

You're not weird, you just think outside the box.

Whirlochre said...

Wet shaving with olive oil is kind of fun, but never ever ever use washing up liquid when you run out of dishwasher tablets/powder. Unless you like foam.

JaneyV said...

aha! Mascara - I never thought of that! Although to be fair my roots are so bad now I HAVE to do them.

You're not weird - resourceful people should be adored. You are a goddess. And when the oil runs out and we're all completely screwed they'll be lining up outside your door for your wisdom.

BTW Preparation H is one of the best anti-wrinkle creams there is.

po said...

Hi, just passing through, I will definitely remember the mascara trick, brilliant!

Charles Gramlich said...

Might be a while before he trusts you to put cream on him again.

I like that cherry idea. I'm gonna use it.

laughingwolf said...

actually, prep h would've worked, and probably sooner ;) lol

i'm with you, using whatever is best for any given situ...

like, did you know you can rinse your mouth out with hydrogen peroxide [3% solution] for cuts or abrasions in the mouth, including bleeding gums?

just remember to wash several times with plain water afterward....

The Anti-Wife said...

I'm almost 60 and just starting to get grey.

You are a very funny woman!

Merry Monteleone said...

I started going gray at 18 - personally, I think there's something wrong with really dark hair that it loses its pigment fast because all the people I know who started going gray young have black hair.

(And yes, I'm earmarking that mascara trick)

And you're not weird, you're resourceful... best treatment I ever found for a rash is soaking in a tub with plain old baking soda in the water. I found that out when one of my kids had a diaper rash and my friend recommended it - it works better than any diaper rash ointment ever invented.

Travis Erwin said...

I bet things are never dull at your house.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I think hubs is a bit anal on the label thing, too, but I can see how much fun you have with it. Preparation H is zinc. Use it on your nose to prevent major sunburn. I think people started marketing colored zinc creme so that no one would wonder if you used P-H, which was cheaper.

And, Angie, I can't believe someone who sews wouldn't be able to switch up the notions and fabric choices! How bizarre! I never ran into that when I worked in a fabric store, but it was thirty three years ago.


Carleen Brice said...

Writtenwyrdd's pun is pretty good: your husband is "anal" about the Prep H. Ha.

Your description of quirky describes me sometimes. Except for the singing part.

Melissa Marsh said...

Ah, Ell, you've given me my Monday laugh. And I see nothing wrong with using toilet paper to take off make-up. It saves you from buying cotton balls, right? :-)

Bernita said...

You sound perfectly sensible to me.
Angie is right, HE's the weirdo!

Angie said...

WW -- well, my time at the fabric store was twenty-seven years ago, so we're talking about pretty much the same era. I guess our area just had more ditzes than yours. [wry smile] But yeah, I was completely boggled at these women, and others like them. I just don't get that level of dependence on instructions.


Patti said...

he was, as the college folk would say, "Butt-cremed!"


Sarah Hina said...

Good god, you're not wiping your butt and then taking off your make-up, are you??

I don't see the big deal, Ello. Keep him guessing...


Danette Haworth said...

Hey, as long as that TP isn't used!

cindy said...

okay, so wait!
nothing tugs at my vanity
more than my gray hair. does
the mascara only last till the
next shampoo then? if so, too
much work. argh.

Steve Malley said...

Re: The cherry: Try this:

In restaurant, palm one of those little containers of milk, the kind that creepily keep without refrigeration.

With the wee milk in your hand, hold your fist up to your eye. Grab a fork in your other hand.

Stab the milk with the fork.

Scream, "My eye! My eye!" and so forth as white liquid gushes from what your family and friends will believe is a ruined socket.

Great fun.

Mom In Scrubs said...

I like the funny above - I'm just the kind of klutz that would actually stab my eye though!!

I think your innovations are a hallmark of your sheer genius! Worthless are most things that are uni-taskers. Multi-task items are so much better!

I was always baffled (as a nurse) by the people who would pay through the nose for "prescription strength" medicines (ibuprofen, for example). Dude, prescription strength motrin is just double the label dose, duh.

A fool and his/her they say. Clearly you are no fool!!

Angie said...

Mom -- actually, in the case of Ibuprofen at least, prescription strength is four times the OTC dose. I take it for my arthritis (800mg x 3/day) and because it's prescription, it only costs us like $10/month, with the insurance company eating the rest. Buying that much (200mg x 12/day) over the counter on our own would be massively expensive.

YMMV of course, depending on how much you need and whether you have insurance and what kind of plan, but it's not always stupid to go for the good stuff. :)


pacatrue said...

I keep imagining all the mascara rubbing off on pillows so that you have to buy a new set every 2 weeks.

Anonymous said...

I take naproxin for my arthritis and it's $10 a month via (hates to admit it) W*M, but would be at leat 4 times that otc. Likewise with the prilosec for the gastritis teh naproxin keeps alive and well!


Mary Witzl said...

Functionally fixed -- that's what they call your husband's problem. It takes a creative mind to figure out that something used for a particular purpose can in fact be applied to an entirely different one.

I use an eyebrow pencil on my roots. Seriously.

spyscribbler said...

That is hilarious! I am about 50% gray. It started when I was 23. Ugh. I still say there should've been a time of my life sans pimples and sans gray hair! No?

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

LMAO! Oh you sound like just my kinda gal! I love this sort of weirdness, it sounds remarkably like my own sort of weirdness. And yay for lateral thinking and an evil sense of humour!

Colorado Writer said...

OMG. You are so freaking funny. I like to think I'm a weird mom, too. But you are definately weirder.

Colorado Writer said...

But in a good way.

laughingwolf said...

here ye go, more stuff:

J. L. Krueger said...

You are great! Not weird at all! DaMan should count himself very lucky!

Hmm, maybe I'm weird too!

Michelle H. said...

Hee-hee! The things people do when they are creative. Nice one!

Rena said...

Love this post! :)

Vesper said...

Ello, you're wonderful!!!
I love you!
:-) :-) :-)

Kim Kasch said...

I absolutely love this story :)

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