How to be a Dumbass

It snowed this morning. Usually that means school is canceled because if just one big fat snowflake falls anywhere near a school, my jumpy county cancels everything. It makes life very difficult at times. But today, I was proud to see that school was still open, even though it was snowing.

So I dropped Youngest off at preschool and as I walked out, I noticed the woman before me was dressed very Sex in the City-ish. She had on a minky looking hat over her long blonde hair, a nice, very form fitting tweed winter coat over knee high length black leather 4 inch high stiletto boots. Oh and she was carrying a toddler in front of her in such a way that I'm sure she couldn't see where she was going. And it was snowing.

I predicted it before it even happened. I think a 2 year old could have predicted what was going to happen. Even the toddler she was carrying like a sack of potatoes before her face probably knew it was going to happen. Cause, like I said before, it was snowing. You couldn't have planted a banana peel at a nerd convention to better use. It was classic sitcom material. The beautiful blonde mother talking baby talk to a cranky whiny toddler steps on a patch of ice and falls splat on her back.

After ascertaining that nothing was broken and that the child was not hurt, just angry and frightened. Several of us passerbyers tried to help her up. Except she had broken one of her 4 inch stiletto heels. These heels were designed to break on impact as they resembled chopsticks more than heels. Because the stiletto was so high, she physically could not stand unaided.

And the kid began screaming "Uppie! Mommy Uppie!!!!!!!"

And then she started screaming "My clothes! My boots! They are all ruined!"

And then she put one muddy wet glove to her hair and left a big muddy slick on her no longer perfectly flowing hair.

And then she started to limp, but it wasn't really a limp, more like a lurch, a big old hobbly Igoresque lurch, cause one leg was now 4 inches shorter than the other, and then she slipped again, and me and another man grabbed her flailing arms while a friend of hers came running out calling her name "Stella are you alright?" (Stella is not her name. I could not hear what her real name was because I was trying not to lose it.) The friend then picks up the whiny kid who then smacked her in the face and said "No! Want Mommy!"

And then I started making soft little piggy noises as I tried not to shriek in laughter. I even tried ventroliquism and tried to throw my snorting snuffling sounds at the other man helping her, but he was biting his lips so hard they had disappeared. FYI ventroliquism does not work. Apparently you can't actually throw your voice somewhere else. All you can do is pretend the sounds are not coming out of you. My eyes starting tearing from the effort of not laughing and I make this kind of weird sound in the back of my throat that sounded like a drowning hyena. We finally get Stella to her car and she is so upset she forgets to thank us or maybe she knows we were laughing at her. I don't know. I don't care. The man who helped her is staring after her with a big old grin on his face as the friend who sees her off says, "I guess she was rushing and slipped!"

Uh, no. Here's my analysis. I don't think it was the rushing as it was more being a dumbass. You see, wearing stilettos doesn't itself make you a dumbass. Carrying a toddler doesn't make you a dumbass. But wearing stilettos while carrying a toddler and not looking where you are going in the snow makes you a dumbass. And if she was rushing, then she was a rushing dumbass.

So thank you Stella Dumbass for my laugh of the day. Truly your fall and the loss of your stiletto heel was a thing of beauty that I will always treasure in my memory.