Tuesday, February 3, 2009

How to be a Dumbass

It snowed this morning. Usually that means school is canceled because if just one big fat snowflake falls anywhere near a school, my jumpy county cancels everything. It makes life very difficult at times. But today, I was proud to see that school was still open, even though it was snowing.

So I dropped Youngest off at preschool and as I walked out, I noticed the woman before me was dressed very Sex in the City-ish. She had on a minky looking hat over her long blonde hair, a nice, very form fitting tweed winter coat over knee high length black leather 4 inch high stiletto boots. Oh and she was carrying a toddler in front of her in such a way that I'm sure she couldn't see where she was going. And it was snowing.

Carmen Thigh High...

I predicted it before it even happened. I think a 2 year old could have predicted what was going to happen. Even the toddler she was carrying like a sack of potatoes before her face probably knew it was going to happen. Cause, like I said before, it was snowing. You couldn't have planted a banana peel at a nerd convention to better use. It was classic sitcom material. The beautiful blonde mother talking baby talk to a cranky whiny toddler steps on a patch of ice and falls splat on her back.

After ascertaining that nothing was broken and that the child was not hurt, just angry and frightened. Several of us passerbyers tried to help her up. Except she had broken one of her 4 inch stiletto heels. These heels were designed to break on impact as they resembled chopsticks more than heels. Because the stiletto was so high, she physically could not stand unaided.

And the kid began screaming "Uppie! Mommy Uppie!!!!!!!"

And then she started screaming "My clothes! My boots! They are all ruined!"

And then she put one muddy wet glove to her hair and left a big muddy slick on her no longer perfectly flowing hair.

And then she started to limp, but it wasn't really a limp, more like a lurch, a big old hobbly Igoresque lurch, cause one leg was now 4 inches shorter than the other, and then she slipped again, and me and another man grabbed her flailing arms while a friend of hers came running out calling her name "Stella are you alright?" (Stella is not her name. I could not hear what her real name was because I was trying not to lose it.) The friend then picks up the whiny kid who then smacked her in the face and said "No! Want Mommy!"

And then I started making soft little piggy noises as I tried not to shriek in laughter. I even tried ventroliquism and tried to throw my snorting snuffling sounds at the other man helping her, but he was biting his lips so hard they had disappeared. FYI ventroliquism does not work. Apparently you can't actually throw your voice somewhere else. All you can do is pretend the sounds are not coming out of you. My eyes starting tearing from the effort of not laughing and I make this kind of weird sound in the back of my throat that sounded like a drowning hyena. We finally get Stella to her car and she is so upset she forgets to thank us or maybe she knows we were laughing at her. I don't know. I don't care. The man who helped her is staring after her with a big old grin on his face as the friend who sees her off says, "I guess she was rushing and slipped!"

Uh, no. Here's my analysis. I don't think it was the rushing as it was more being a dumbass. You see, wearing stilettos doesn't itself make you a dumbass. Carrying a toddler doesn't make you a dumbass. But wearing stilettos while carrying a toddler and not looking where you are going in the snow makes you a dumbass. And if she was rushing, then she was a rushing dumbass.

So thank you Stella Dumbass for my laugh of the day. Truly your fall and the loss of your stiletto heel was a thing of beauty that I will always treasure in my memory.

25 comments:

Jacqui said...

Oh, poor Stella. But I can't imagine dropping my kid and saying, "Oh! My boots!"

I love your description of you trying not to laugh.

Melissa Marsh said...

I LOVE IT. Hahahaha. I always look at people who wear extremely unfit shoes when it's snowing and just shake my head. Seriously. What are they thinking?

Mary Witzl said...

I can't even wear stilettos when I'm not carrying a load and it isn't snowing; what I could do on icy ground with stilettos on doesn't bear thinking about. Add a toddler to that and I feel faint. And no, I can't imagine falling with my toddler and then being pissed off about my breaking heels. Poor woman. Poor kid. Stupid definitely, and very pathetic...

pjd said...

Banana peel at a nerd convention... ha ha ha! Nice one, El. Classic. Glad I wasn't there, though. I hate seeing people slip on ice. I've done it, and I'm guessing she's nursing some bruises right now that she was unwilling to reveal in the direct aftermath.

Merry Monteleone said...

Maybe she should pay more attention to how she's raising her kid and less attention to how she looks... Jeeze, if you're going to risk breaking your neck, at least don't take your toddler down with you!!!

I'd have laughed, too, Ello. Though, I might have don't it in front of her, loud and from my belly... la, la, la...

JaneyV said...

As a woman who is currently nursing an extremely bad back because I wore a pair of 2 and a half inch heels to a Christmas party, I have to concur that shoes with silly heels on them are only for the insanely stupid. I have a rule that I only wear them if I'm going somewhere I know I'll be sitting down. Nothing would possess me to wear them walking let alone walking in the snow. And even if certain catastrophic incidents occurred leaving me choice but to do so, I wouldn't pick up a child.

I wear mountain boots in the snow - I would still wear them If I was also wearing an evening dress. You can take the durn things off when you go inside and then slip on your Jimmy Choos.

I bet poor Stella has some serious bruises now. She could've cracked her head on the footpath or worse, cracked her little kid's head. Still I bet she's only mourning the loss of the killer boots!

LarramieG said...

And this woman is a "Mommy." How scary!

Aine said...

LOL! Thanks for letting us laugh along with you.

Love the clarification of dumbass.

Carrie Harris said...

I love the Stella Dumbasses of the world. Who else am I going to feel superior toward? ;)

Kelly said...

Hee! And that is why I wear sweats when I drop off my son at preschool...

Cheryl Kauffman said...

That is hilarious. Good example of What Not to Wear.

Rena said...

Oh man -- that's funny. You're a better person than I am. I don't know if I could have even helped, especially after hearing what a brat her kid was being.

I see people wearing heels this time of year (I live in Montana) and I always wonder what they're thinking. Either that or it's 10 degrees and they're walking around in a tank top shivering. I live in my North Face snowboots this time of year. So many of our friends have been seriously hurt by falling, so it's stupid to take that chance.

Funny post, Ellen! :)

Charles Gramlich said...

Stilleto's in the Snow. Sounds like a title I could get behind.

Kim Kasch said...

I don't wear stilletos but I was wearing my boots to lunch with my son when one of my heels just snapped off - my son said, "Eat less fat."

:( and even with that I agree with Jacqui, I would never have worried about my clothes over my kids. :(

Lana Gramlich said...

The thing is, don't we ALL have such "moments of greatness" in our lives? Not that that helps you not laugh, of course... ;)

Christina Farley said...

Great post! Now I feel so much better wearing my sweats and tee's. Do you think I could get away with wearing my flannels?

Yeah, that might be stretching it.

Smittenly Written said...

A funny for you and then a funny for us. :) This reminds me of when I was walking behind someone into work and they dropped their briefcase. It popped open...and what should appear? Not important papers...Not files...but their brown bag lunch. I will never forget the shiny apple rolling into the street. ;)

And I could get behind the Stilettos in the Snow Title too. Love it!!

Stacy Nyikos said...

Okay, just to out myself, I love love love high-heeled shoes. My mother thinks I'm insane. They are impractical. True. I do not dispute this. Still, I love them. However, when it snows here, I have a pair of flat, black Land Rover boots (I don't know why Land Rover makes shoes, or made these, but they do & I found them on sale for a ridiculous price like $10). They are my crappy weather shoes. Much as I love my heels, I want to be able to continue to wear them, and so the oh so practical, less than glamorous black boots come out at the first hint of snow. I don't love them, but they will probably save my back (or my pride at the very least!)

Vesper said...

The poor thing... But, you're right, she deserved it. :-) :-) :-)

Chris Eldin said...

AHHAAHAHAH!
Love this!!
But more importantly, are we allowed to cuss on your blog again?
;-)

J. L. Krueger said...

Ello!
Hilarious! Trying to catch up on all the posts I missed. Luckily I'm where I don't have suppress my laughter.

Reminded me of our real estate agent 13 years ago out in a big snow storm showing us houses while wearing wee gold slippers and a fur coat that smelled like wet dog at the end of the day.

Whirlochre said...

Oh dear, what a dumbass. Hopefully the afterlife will be full of re-runs of this kind of thing.

laughingwolf said...

sorry el, wearing stilettos in the snow is being a HUGE dumbass, amongst other things... lol

thx for the laugh!

LauraBlue said...

You had me rolling on the floor with this! lol

Colleen_Katana said...

I love heels. I love wearing them and how they make my calves and stubby ankles look leaner....but when it's snowy/icy/rainy, even a kitten heel is a bad idea. Even FLIPFLOPS in the rain is a terrible idea. I've learned after several of my own dumbass experiences that my rain boots are the best option...with heels tucked into my purse.
Granted, I have no toddlers to carry...my use of heels may come to a screeching halt as soon as a baby is in the picture!

Search This Blog