Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Only a true friend will tell you when you look like an ass

I was sitting at Starbucks grading papers and sitting next to a table of two little old ladies chatting loudly. I had been snorting softly into my chai tea as one of the ladies named Helen, a silver-haired pudgy lady with wrinkles like a basset hound and a voice like Lauren Bacall, was just cracking me up commenting in a loud slightly deaf manner about the shortcomings of various old ladies who apparently didn't know their ass from their elbows. Suddenly the other granny perks up at the sight of another friend entering the shop.

"Oh look Helen, there's Margie, and what on earth is she wearing?" asks the nicer granny.

I'm facing Helen, so I get a perfect view of her open mouthed expression as her triple chins drops to her chest. I turn around and see a stylish old lady in a lovely white coat and a matching white turban with a large jewel in the middle.

"Hi ladies," she beams as she takes off her coat and sits down. "Sorry I'm late but I couldn't do a thing with my hair." She pats at her turban and tries to tuck in a stray curl that slips out from the top of her forehead.

Helen finally closes her mouth and announces "You look like an ass!"

"Helen!" the nice granny chides.

"What? Look at it! Just look at it!"

"You're the ass!" Margie huffs furiously turning to the other woman. "I swear, can you believe her? I don't know how we put up with her sometimes!"

"No, no, you look lovely!" the other friend soothes.

Helen peers closely at the turban as Margie tries to shoo her away with an irritated wave.

"Well, so YOU don't look like an ass, but that thing on your head does. It looks like a wrinkly white ass that hasn't been waxed," she says. "You just look like a moron!" Helen sits back and nods with dignity.

Tears are escaping my stinging eyes as I desperately try not to snort in hysterical laughter. Helen catches my eye and says, "Go ahead and laugh before you wet yourself dearie!"

Too late!

I think I want to adopt her.

25 comments:

Martha Flynn said...

Definitely role models!! I want to be that cool and funny and sure of myself when I hit old lady status.

Kim Kasch said...

You're already that cool and funny - time will take care of the rest 'cause you're just a young'in

Whirlochre said...

And don't you just know these three are murder working out in the gym...

JaneyV said...

It's like Sex And The City meets The Golden Girls. Love. It.

Have you ever heard Gladys on the Ellen Show? I want to be her when I'm grown up.

Chris Eldin said...

HAHAH! Yes, true friends spice up life!
:-)

McKoala said...

She'd go really well with Angus.

Danette said...

Oh my GOSH! That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I wish I was there!

Danette

Travis Erwin said...

Hilarious. You have all the fun.

Kelly said...

Hee! That is so funny! I hope I'm sitting at Starbucks with my girly friends calling people names when I'm an oldie! Actually I could so see myself wearing a dumbass thing and my two best friends bursting out laughing when I walk in. You can be very honest with your besties! Great story!

Charles Gramlich said...

I'd say she's definitely still sharp witted. Can you imagine what she was like 30 years ago? Geeze!

Cheryl Kauffman said...

OMG, Helen sounds just like my grandmother did. She was a hoot, and would always say exactly what was on her mind.

Jacqui said...

This will be my sister and I when we are 80. I'm in the turban, I think. I can't wait.

beth said...

That's who I want to be when I'm old.

Heck, forget about that! That's who I want to be NOW!

Elliah A. Terry said...

Hilarious! What great inspiration for characters in a book, eh?

writtenwyrdd said...

That is so funny! I was laughing fit to spit my coffee just reading it.

Mary Witzl said...

I wish I'd been there too: I love overhearing conversations like that.

And there I was thinking that the jeweled turban sounded so cool! I want a jeweled turban. Especially when I haven't had time to do my hair...

laughingwolf said...

nothing like a wrinkled white ass, i guess :O lol

J. L. Krueger said...

You sure hang out with funny people! Methinks watching you trying not to laugh would have been worth the price of admission.

Steve Malley said...

...'a wrinkly white ass that hasn't been waxed'?!

Are we to infer that Helen... that she waxes... her, her... *shudder*... never mind. ;D

bluesugarpoet said...

Oh, there is nothing like a Granny conversation! That was a good one. :)

Aine said...

You always have the BEST stories to share! Helen is a gem. And I bet the friendship between those three is golden-- a bond to be admired!
:D

Lauren said...

Hahahaha...that's awesome. It is so much fun the interesting people that you see in coffee shops. I hope that I am that much fun when I am that age :)

Lana Gramlich said...

She sounds quite entertaining but to be honest, I'm glad she's not among my friends. Fortunately I know when I look like an ass & I sure as hell don't care. ;) *L*

moonrat said...

yeah, i see how this goes. in a couple of decades i'll be the "nice" granny and i know exactly which of my friends will turn into helen and margie. I SEE IT ALL. we just need a little seasoning.

Lafreya said...

This is so funny. In about twenty years I will be the nice old lady trying to soothe everything over, all the while thinking that my mouthy friend is so right.

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