I was sitting at Starbucks grading papers and sitting next to a table of two little old ladies chatting loudly. I had been snorting softly into my chai tea as one of the ladies named Helen, a silver-haired pudgy lady with wrinkles like a basset hound and a voice like Lauren Bacall, was just cracking me up commenting in a loud slightly deaf manner about the shortcomings of various old ladies who apparently didn't know their ass from their elbows. Suddenly the other granny perks up at the sight of another friend entering the shop.
"Oh look Helen, there's Margie, and what on earth is she wearing?" asks the nicer granny.
I'm facing Helen, so I get a perfect view of her open mouthed expression as her triple chins drops to her chest. I turn around and see a stylish old lady in a lovely white coat and a matching white turban with a large jewel in the middle.
"Hi ladies," she beams as she takes off her coat and sits down. "Sorry I'm late but I couldn't do a thing with my hair." She pats at her turban and tries to tuck in a stray curl that slips out from the top of her forehead.
Helen finally closes her mouth and announces "You look like an ass!"
"Helen!" the nice granny chides.
"What? Look at it! Just look at it!"
"You're the ass!" Margie huffs furiously turning to the other woman. "I swear, can you believe her? I don't know how we put up with her sometimes!"
"No, no, you look lovely!" the other friend soothes.
Helen peers closely at the turban as Margie tries to shoo her away with an irritated wave.
"Well, so YOU don't look like an ass, but that thing on your head does. It looks like a wrinkly white ass that hasn't been waxed," she says. "You just look like a moron!" Helen sits back and nods with dignity.
Tears are escaping my stinging eyes as I desperately try not to snort in hysterical laughter. Helen catches my eye and says, "Go ahead and laugh before you wet yourself dearie!"
I think I want to adopt her.