Thursday, March 26, 2009

Warning - this little piggy is about to blow!

Here's the thing. I drive a big ass mini-van. Honda Odyssey to be precise. This is not a small car. It does not have a small turning radius. To make a right turn, I swing out a little wide in order to avoid hitting the curb. That means if I am turning into traffic, the lane next to the one I am turning into has to be clear too, or I risk hitting another car. Take a look at an 18 wheeler. Ever seen one of those suckers turn? They gotta swing out all the way to the left before making a right, and then take up all 3 lanes in order to make a right hand turn and sometimes they still get stuck.

I would think this is really simple for people to understand. Big wide car, big wide swing. But no. For some reason, people in small cars think big cars are just like them. No, dumbass, we are not. So quit honking at me Mr. ThinksHe'sSoHotGangsterRapPlayingNerdyBoy driving his little ass toyota corolla with the big ugly whale tail sticking out of its pathetic little trunk space like a guppie with an identity crisis. Rockville Pike is a very heavily trafficked road with cars driving way over 60mph. And on top of all this, you stupid little cretin. I am driving a mini-van, ergo, I probably have kids in said mini-van. I am not about to jeopardize my children's lives just because you are late heading home to surf the internet for hot dates and heavy double-clicking action with Ms. Lilly of the Valley who is actually some fat dude in Pasadena named Larry. So back off!

That is all.

26 comments:

Lisa said...

HAHAHAHAHA! I love an Ello rant :)

Aerin said...

I love my Odyssey. I'm so pathetic.

Charles Gramlich said...

Larry? the Cable guy maybe?

Ewww!

Melissa Marsh said...

Oh man. That was HILARIOUS.

Stuart Neville said...

I kind of get the feeling someone annoyed you today. Just a hunch.

March to the Sea said...

I drive (well sometimes) the same brand of "loser cruiser"..a fine 2001 Honda Ozzy...its okay..but yeah people are clueless.

Patti said...

it gives me special joy to make jackasses wait on me...

JaneyV said...

Then there are the gits who take up two parking spaces...

When I learned to drive I was told to look at the traffic around me and give them room enough to manoeuvre (which means that I need to anticipate their needs). I agree Ello - some jerks need to go back to driver's ed.

Cheryl Kauffman said...

My mom drives an Odyssey, and I would have gotten one had I not needed to drive my vehicle for work in an extremely rural area with dirt roads with big sink holes. I LMAO at your description of the whale tail! I hate drivers like that. But I get my revenge when I get to do a ride along with a police officer and write tickets. Last time I got 12 tickets on one kid. I was so proud of myself.

Kelly said...

I drive a Suburban and have a similar problem...Also when I park I try and get a space next to an empty one (I'm not the best parker...)
Move it you little twerps! That guy is probably on Facebook all day! (I don't know anyone else like that ;)

Whirlochre said...

It's big.

It's mini.

It's a Honda.

(Cue teen gork wet dream graphics spun out to the hum of 70s prog rock subliminal lyrics arranged by Brian Eno into an aural "transitscape" of desire. Then park, shop, cuss, sleep).

Kim Kasch said...

Okay, I can join you here because (even though I've ridden my bike to work a couple of times and try to live green) I drive a huge-honking Expedition. Why?...I have 3 kids - okay they're adults but they still live at home. And the shortest is my daughter at 5'10". The boys are both 6'5" and my husband is 6'4", so I NEED a big vehicle. But if I get behind a bike in downtown, sometimes, they weave in and out of traffic to stay in my path so I have to wait. Why?...because they don't like my big car and want me to live greener. DUH...I would, if I could.

Kappa no He said...

I drive a Honda Odyessey, too. Is yours maroon red? I hope you shook your fist at gangsta boy. Jerk.

Vesper said...

Ello!!! I so missed a good rant! Thank you! :-) :-) :-)

Danette said...

Haha! Good one Ello! Thanks for the laugh.

Danette

Aniket said...

Hello Ello, twice one a good jole I've seen Sarah sayin, its one like of Ello's. That and the description behind your blogger name was enough to get me all ineterested.

And I was laughing so hard on reading this... "heavy double-clicking action with Ms. Lilly of the Valley who is actually some fat dude in Pasadena named Larry."
Hahaha... dun be so hard on the poor chap... Larry is all he's got. :-)

Planing to sneak a peak into your older posts now. ;-)

Aniket said...

Shucks, first comment to someone and the first line has a typo. Some impression to create... anyway... i meant "twice on a good joke" (which I am sure you figured out anyway,... but still had to clarify to prove am not a doofus. ;-) :-) )

J. L. Krueger said...

El!

Great rant! Guppy with an identity crisis? Gotta remember that one. That dude wouldn't last five minutes on the roads in Kabul.

C.R. Evers said...

Amen sister! I drive a honda odyssey too and there are some turns that I dread making. It's hard not to go into the next lane sometimes. grrrrr!

I feel your pain.

Mary Witzl said...

Whoa, Ello -- do you feel better now? I do!

All day long I've been composing my own diatribe on road rage, after a guy in a car opened his door just as I walked past, almost whacking me across the sidewalk. Too many idiots, too few words...

Ello said...

Gah! I love my odyssey which I never thought I would say but there it is. It is such a great car. Mine is silver so it is sometimes like looking for a needle in a haystack when you go to the parking lot and see a sea of silver minivans lined up in a row!

I'm so glad so many of y'all can relate. Now that put me in a good mood. he he!

Lana Gramlich said...

I used to drive a '94 Intrepid (my favorite car to date.) I was surprised to learn one day that it was a mere 4 inches shorter than a Lincoln Town Car. It was so well designed it didn't FEEL like such a beast. It sure taught me a lesson about parking, though. Particularly in the uber-cramped streets & parking garages of Toronto.

spyscribbler said...

Hah! That's hilarious, Ello!

(And true!)

Erica Orloff said...

You know, I try to take a Buddhist appproach to life and be peaceful. I can handle almost anything on the road. I always let people in front of me.

Peaceful EXCEPT when I have my kids in my car, in which case I am transformed to Road Rage Mama and will scream out the window, "You stupid j*ackass, do you NOT see I have a child in my car while you are tailgating me at 70 mph, you ass."

Drives me crazy. I had a friend whose child was killed by a woman who plowed into her car while the other driver was gabbing on her cellphone in her Mercedes and going above the speedlimit. Oh, and after a cocktail or three. I have zero patience for people who endanger my kids.

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