Thursday, October 1, 2009

Still Growing

Hey everyone! Thanks for the welcome back! And to answer the question of whether or not I'm back, the answer is, well sort of. I'm so off my blogging game that I haven't caught up to touring the blogosphere - more like random drive bys when I have a moment. Part of the problem is that I'm in the throws of paper hell right now. The other problem is that my brain has taken its semi-annual vacation. And as usual, it didn't warn me that it was leaving until it was too late and stupidity was unavoidable. I'm just a tad nervous about teaching without a brain today, but not having a brain isn't always a handicap. After all, some famous no brains have even become President...

So I went to Target with Oldest and Youngest to buy a tennis skirt. Something I swore never to do because skirts accentuate my Popeye the Sailorman like legs of sausage link beauty. Especially tennis skirts which seems to work under the philosophy that shorter is better. I've seen grandmothers in skirts so short I can see their grannypanties and other things they should be ashamed of flashing. But I find that people reach a certain age in life and they just don't care anymore. I once watched as an old lady adjusted her sagging girls on line in the supermarket, fondling them like she'd fondled the tomatoes and peaches not 2 minutes earlier. I had to turn away when she slung one long breast over her shoulder and scratched under it for what seemed like 5 minutes straight. But I digress...

What the hell was I talking about? Oh yes tennis skirts. Skirts have never ever been my thing. But lately the indoor tennis court I play in has been a sauna and my cool athletic pants have been as comfortable as leather pants in the Sahara desert. So I went shopping for a tennis skirt. I grabbed a few and tried them on as Oldest and Youngest decided to critique my fashion choices.

Oldest - Why does it have a big white line over your butt? It looks like someone tried to circle it and ran out of white paint.

Youngest - I can fix it for you Mommy.

Me (ignoring them and trying an all black one instead)

Oldest - That's better but why is it so short? You want everyone to see your underwear?

Me - It's a skort, see. Shorts underneath.

Oldest - Those shorts are too short. They're more like underwear.

Youngest - I need a tissue for my boogers.

Me (wiping a huge ass booger from Youngest's nose and trying another skirt)

Oldest - That's better but still too short.

Me - Hmmm, it's a little big at the waist. I'll have to get a smaller size.

Oldest - Just get that one cause you know you'll grow into it.

Me (blinking) - What are you trying to say?

Youngest - I farted.

Oldest - I mean not that you are still growing but you know like when you eat and your belly gets too big...

Youngest (reaching over to pat my muffin top) - And it goes down again when you go the bathroom!

You seriously can't have an ego around these girls. It's just not allowed.


Rebecca Knight said...

AHAHAAHA! Okay, your girls are adorable, but that was also like free birth control.

Welcome back! I missed your stories :D.

writtenwyrdd said...

Man, that's so funny!

I'd give up too and just wear lycra shorts. They don't climb into your crack!

writtenwyrdd said...

By the way, I'm having a contest on my blog. If you find the time (and your brain) you can play along here.

Whirlochre said...

Tennis shorts?

Try rugby shorts.

Shorts that crave to be...LONGS.

Then strap them on Whirl, aged 11.

Force him to Vault The Horse.

Those legs! So Splayed! Like a gymnast!

Those untearable rugby shorts! So torn!

Part of me died that day.

And when the sun is low in the sky, and clouds fight on the horizon for space between the mocking starlings, I weep, sweet Jesus, I weep...

Christina Farley said...

Halarious! Hope you get caught up with all your work!

Mary Witzl said...

Actually, I see your daughter's point. I have a special skirt I reserve for Halloween, when room to grow is definitely necessary.

Shopping with teenagers is even worse! They do mean things with their eyebrows behind your back, and the snickering is just murder on your ego. You learn NEVER to ask them if your butt looks big in something, too.

Aine said...

LOL-- been there. Often. Too often. Can't we leave the kids out in the store? Oh yeah-- they could get kidnapped. Or worse, climb up the jungle gyms hidden under all those clothes racks and startle all the old ladies who slowly sift through every item.

Diane said...

Funny. Glad it wasn't done in a public place or anything.... :O)

McKoala said...

LOL and helloh (just adding my wit to that of your credit card friend...)

Charles Gramlich said...

my eyes, my eyes. I'm seeing that "girl" over the shoulder with the scratching thing. I can't get it off my retinas. aieeee!

Steve Malley said...

Not while I'm drunking, please! Hot coffee burns coming out the nose! :D

Glad to have ya back!

laughingwolf said...

lol... your girls are something else, el ;)

skorts, huh? news to me!

Tyhitia Green said...

LOL. Awww, the kiddies. They're funny. :-D Can't ever take it personally like you said.

playbazaar said...

Satta king
this is fantastic!!!

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