So I got tricked onto facebook a little while ago by an old friend who kept emailing me about seeing his great pictures on facebook. The only thing was I had to actually open a facebook account to see his pics. Now you should all know by now that I love pictures. Pictures, photographs, art, I just love it all. I especially love looking at other people's pictures, you learn alot from them. But the idea of joining facebook was sort of revolting. Not really what I was interested in. But after 4 email prompts, I succumbed and joined. Now I could see my friend's pictures. Unfortunately, I had been tricked. Bastard had only posted that one picture I had already seen which had teased me into joining. So now here I was, on facebook with only one friend in the world. I was such a loser. I looked at my friends wall, he had 14 friends. Hmmmm, I thought. He tricked me onto facebook just to have more friends on his profile page. Bastard. So having only one friend in the world, I thought, well let me see who else I know on facebook. Then I remembered my niece and nephew, who are both in high school, are on facebook. So I poked them and they very goodnaturedly added their loser aunt to their friends network. Now I got to see their profile page. Talk about facebook envy! They both had something like 400 friends and had all these fun things like hatching eggs, growing plants, shaking snowglobes, fun quizzes, video clips, etc. I looked back at my facebook page. So boringly plain and white with only one pathetic post on my wall. Such a loser.
But then my gmail account had an item where it looked for friends for me via my contacts book. This is how I found Stephen Parrish's facebook page. And he wrote a blog about it right here . I also found out my best friend was on facebook, but never told me about it! So she had no choice but to friend me too. So now I had like 5 friends but still no fun stuff on my wall. I checked back at my bastard friend's wall, he was now up to 40 friends. Bastard. So I graffiti'd his wall and told him he should stop friending all the convicts just to pump up his numbers. But still my wall was hopelessly lame. And then I did it. I griped about facebook to my sister and that's when it happened. I became a facebook ho and my sister was my pimp.
My younger sister is very different from me. She is a social butterfly and I am the loner sitting comfortably in the back grunting in response to any question posed to me and nursing my drink. So she friended me and then she started asking her friends to friend me too. Suddenly I was up to 9 friends and was getting gifts and hugs and other such interesting things. Hmmmm, my little sister felt so sorry for me she had to have her friends friend me on facebook. There is something very sad and pathetic about this, huh?
But before I could get too bothered by this, I found another blogging friend on facebook. Precie then invited me to play Scrabulous!!!! What's that you ask? Scrabble on facebook! I was SO there. Problem is, you can't cheat. And if you get bad tiles, you're screwed. But hey, at least I was playing against someone with a phd in English so at least if I lost, I could say, hey, she has a phd in English, how could I win? And if I win, then I do the little WOO HOO, I'M BAD, SO BAD, UH HUH dance and become really obnoxious, but not to Precie because I'd want her to play with me again.
So now I know the real joy of facebook, playing scrabble with friends on the internet and superpoking them. Doesn't that sound like fun? You can also poke people, send them hugs, throw snowballs and sheep. Now throwing a sheep intrigued me so much that I threw one at myself just to see what happens. Apparently all that happens is that my wall now says "Ellen has thrown a sheep at herself." No picture of a sheep going splat on a cartoon person. No sheep guts splayed across the wall. Just those silly words. Where's the joy in this? So apparently I have now been poked, hugged and had cheesecake thrown at me - all in words that appear on my wall. Hmmmm, I'm not really getting this. I may have to sucker punch myself just for the joy of seeing the words "Ellen has now sucker punched herself." At least this is mildly amusing to me.
But now my facebook page actually looks less loseresque. I have a hatching egg which will develop into something disgustingly cute that will make me Aw and gag all at the same time. I also have been sent a growing plant. The only kind of plant I can't kill. Seriously, I have the black thumb of death. People have bought me many plants and told me not to worry, I can't kill it. And yet I ALWAYS kill them. I don't mean to. I want to be able to grow things. Both my parents have such green thumbs they could grow poppies out of their asses if they wanted to. But not me. My friend bought me a little cute cactus. Such a cute little thing. Only had to water it once a month. Still managed to kill it. Turned it into a smushed moldy crater instead of the cute little spiky pickle it once was. So I have high hopes for this virtual plant. It should stay green and pretty forever. Shoot maybe there is something to this facebook stuff.
But I'm gonna have to draw the line at the pimpage. No more pimping friends for me, sis, thank you very kindly. Don't cry for me, Pimpina. I don't need 40 friends on facebook. The ones I have are fine with me. You don't have to worry about me. It's not a sin to look like a loser. As long as I don't care that I look like a loser, that's all that matters. So tell your friends to stop friending me. I like your friends, they are very nice. But I'd rather be a facebook loser than a facebook ho.