Saturday, January 19, 2008

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 5

Lately Angus has been asking for a skinnier winter coat. She inherited a very nice warm Land’s End winter coat from Oldest, but it is very puffy and she complains that it makes her look like a blue snowman. Oldest now has a long less puffy black winter coat which Angus covets. It is not as warm but Angus just doesn’t care about that. At six she has already decided that it is better “too look good then to feel good, dahling!” However, she has a perfectly good coat and I have told her a million times now that she is not getting a new coat this winter.

So we were driving in the car when Angus announces that she wants to tell me a story. Sure I say, go ahead.

“Once upon a time there was a big, huge, ugly monster with blue hair and green skin and long needles for fingers and sharp knives for teeth and he was really really strong and he ate children and he lived in a big snowy cave. One day a group of children were sledding on the hill when their sled fell into a hole in the middle of the ground and dropped them down into the monster’s cave. The children saw the big monster running to get them and they were screaming and running and finally they saw a small little hole in the middle of a wall that was the only exit in the entire cave.”

“Wait a minute, back up. How come there is a hole in the middle of a hill like that? Didn’t someone see it and report it? Wouldn’t they fix it? Wouldn’t the police have found the hole and captured the monster?” oldest asks.

“Be quiet, this is my story,” Angus says. “And so the children all squeeze out of the little hole except for one little girl who has a big puffy coat. Her coat is sooooo puffy, she can’t get out and the monster catches her and eats her up.”

“Did he eat her coat and her boots too?” Youngest asks.

“Yes!”

“Yucky!” Youngest cries. (Apparently eating a coat and boots are yuckier to her than eating a child.)

“And the other children got out safely because they all wore skinny coats and then they cried and cried about their friend cause they missed her lots,” Angus says.

“Why didn’t the little girl just take off her coat?” Oldest asks.

“Because there wasn’t enough time,” Angus says.

“Maybe it wasn’t the coat, maybe the little girl was too fat,” the skeptic says.

“NO SHE WASN’T FAT! HER COAT MADE HER FAT, THAT’S ALL!” Angus shouts. “If her mother had bought her a skinnier coat, she would have made it out of the cave safely and she wouldn't have been eaten.”

“But why doesn’t the monster just break through the hole and eat all the other children too?” Oldest asks.

“Because he doesn’t fit in the small hole!”

"But you said he's really strong..."

"He is really strong!"

“So how does he eat if he can’t get out of the cave?” Oldest asks.

“He eats whatever falls in from the top of the cave like squirrels and mice and rabbits…”

“And children!” shrieks youngest.

“Well he can’t be such a strong monster if he can’t get out of the cave,” Oldest says.

“Yes he is! But the cave is made out of metal and he can’t get out.."

"Caves aren't made from metal! You don't know what you are talking about!"

"I don't want to talk to you anymore, you’re giving me a headache!” Angus is angry.

Oldest rolls her eyes. “Just because your story doesn’t make a lot of sense…”

“MOMMY! She’s being mean to me!”

“AM NOT! And the only reason you told that story was cause you want Mom to feel guilty and buy a new coat for you even after she told you a hundred times that you can’t have a new coat so who is being mean now?”

“THAT’S NOT WHY I TOLD THE STORY!”

“IS TOO!”

“IS NOT!”

“IS TOO!”

“YOU’RE A MONKEY FACE!”

“AND YOU SMELL!”

“EVERYONE BE QUIET THIS INSTANCE!” I shout out as I see Youngest grinning in her seat with her hands over her ears.

All is quiet in the car for a few minutes when I see Angus (who sits right behind me) lean forward as far as she can and whisper something to me.

“Um, so Mommy, do you think you could please please PLEASE buy me a skinny coat?” she whispers.

“HA! I KNEW IT!” shouts Oldest from the very back row.

I think I need a drink.

23 comments:

Sarah Hina said...

Well, how's about it, Mom?

She worked really hard for it, after all, and managed to entertain all of us. That's gotta be worth a skinny coat!

On a side note, your Oldest is definitely going to be a lawyer. ;)

Precie said...

I say...no new skinny coat...but maybe $1 for the story. She can start earning the coat.

And I agree...Oldest has definite lawyer potential.

How you managed to keep driving through all this I have no idea.

Lisa said...

That's hysterical!

Stuart Neville said...

I'm not a parent, but even I know the Power of Pester. And I think going as far as creating a pretty decent story in the pursuit of Pester shows some serious intent on your daughter's part.

I agree with Sarah Hina - I think she earned it. :)

Erica Orloff said...

The way I look at it, Ello, this kid rocks a story. So you either GET her the skinny coat, or one day she writes a memoir, it sells in a six-figure bidding war, and you are forever depicted as the Evil Mother who made her wear a fat coat.

I'd go with the skinny one.
E

Patti said...

i am so adopting her methodology for when i want something and am told no....and if denied again, i will just keep adding to the stories, except the stories will decrease in quality and be excruciating to listen to, until my opponent breaks.

who says you can't learn from kiddos?!

moonrat said...

i love your kids. they're truly awesome. this is better than scripted dialog.

but i'd take you out for that drink.

Smittenly Written said...

I love it!!! Talk about earning your keep...the power of words...she has got the gift!! It is great how you are able to capture all these priceless moments and chronicle them so well. There is a whole other book right there. Your three girls are awesome...and their distinct personalities always shine through.

This story made my day!!!

Charles Gramlich said...

Angus is going to end up ruling the world, you know. But you do have to admit it was a creative approach to her request.

You've got to write these up for a humor mag. There are quite a few markets who use personal reminiscences, and they love humor.

Merry Monteleone said...

Ello, Your kids rock!!!! The oldest definitely has lawyer potential... but angus, my friend, well let's just hope she uses her powers for good!!! She's hysterical!

I say she should earn something for the story... that's some creative begging she did there.

Chris Eldin said...

I agree with those who say buy her the coat.
Remember the clothes hangers in 'Mommie Dearest?'

This is really hysterical!!! Your children are a hoot.
:-)

Lana Gramlich said...

Sorry to hear of yet another young girl (TOO young!) getting caught up in the evil insecurity spiral of "looks are most important." <:( I vote for the blue coat in protest of the Western media.

danette said...

I was forced to wear a big, fat green jacket one school year. I'm still recovering. I believe the monster story may have spared me that year.

cindy said...

haha! you are so outwitted and outnumbered! the great thing is, they all have YOUR sense of humor. HAHA! right back atcha mommy! =D

your kids are hilar!!!!

Robin S. said...

I think Angus needs a new skinny coat. God love her heart, she's got an active inagination, she 's got drive and initiative, and a helluva story delivery.

Sound like someone you know, ello?

Mary Witzl said...

Great story, Ello, and I agree with the others about your budding lawyer and writer.

I think I'd promise Angus a skinny coat in a year's time. And in the meantime, I'd tell her a story about a little girl in a big, fat coat and how all her friends in skinny coats got eaten up, but the monster ignored her in her too-fat, too-fluffy coat with all the feathers that would've gotten stuck in his monster gullet and choked HIM to death. Yep.

But I'm a notorious skinflint, and my apologies to Angus.

Jennifer L. Griffith said...

I wonder where Angus got her story-telling ability?!?!

That is too funny.

So, how about the coat, Mama??

Jennifer L. Griffith said...

Another thing... buying Angus a new coat MIGHT stunt her story telling output. Nothing like life's imperfections to get a writer going...look at the "poop" entry. What a hit!!

I'd get a little more mileage out of this one before giving in. Bloggers are always in need of "fresh" material!

Carleen Brice said...

I say no new coat. If you give in now, you're hosed. The force is strong in this one. Good luck to you! :)

sherry smyth said...

I think you have two little negotiators on your hands...they'll make fine legal minds!!

McKoala said...

Angus is genius.

Beth said...

Hahaha. My kids went through the "skinny coat" thing a couple of years ago. Yours are doing it young.

Melissa Marsh said...

Hahahaha...oh, this is great, Ell, as usual!

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