Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Queen of Farts

***WARNING - VULGAR AND CRASS POSTING AHEAD***

So I have been analyzing my visitor stats lately and have found that at least twice a day, some one always happens on to my blog after searching for "Farts." If you google "funny things about farts" you will find my blog comes up third. If you google "sneezing and farting at the same time" my middle child is second to someone claiming to be a "Bad American." The number one key words for how people find my blog are 'farting' and 'funny.' All this makes me wonder if I should change my blog title to Random Acts of Farting.

This all reminds me of a woman I used to work with years ago. I had just moved back down to Washington, DC after working in New York for a few years. One of the legal secretaries, who worked for a major partner, was affectionately nicknamed the Queen of Farts. And you would never know it from looking at her. She was an older woman with dark blonde hair she styled in a short very fashionable cut and a lovely patrician face. She was the picture of gentility. You would never picture her for the public farting type, but there you have it, looks are completely deceiving. She would announce to everyone that she was lactose intolerant but had to have alot of milk with all the coffee she consumed. This was in lieu of any sort of apology for the cacophony of sound and odor that would later assault all our senses. Whenever she got up from her desk to walk to the bathroom after one of her many cups of coffee, she would sneak a squeek with every step she took. It sounded like an angry goose honking down our hallway. One day I was stuck in a bathroom stall next to her when she apparently decided to play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony into the toilet. Let me tell you, the acoustics in the bathroom were quite impressive. I ran out of the bathroom and laughed my ass off outside the women's room door where I could still her loud and clear. I do believe that she sustained one fart note in A# for at least 30 seconds.

One thing I loved about the Queen of Farts was how matter of fact she was about her gasiness and how she never seemed embarassed by it. I could never be so free and casual about farting in public. I have farting stage fright around other people. When someone is around, I can't make a sound. This gas won't pass my ass, alas. However, I will belch louder than a drunken frat boy. I have burped in public unintentionally many a time. In fact, during one corporate meeting at my first firm, I sat at the end of a very long conference table with 50 other attorneys. Having stupidly grabbed a diet coke to sip during the meeting, there was no controlling the bubble that began to creep up my throat. Unfortunately right after the Corporate Head Partner had ranted at our group about our poor hours and right when the room had turned completely silent in sullen resentment, the bubble flew out of my throat sounding like a seal's bark. I remember every head turning in my direction like something out of a movie. I myself turned my head as if to stare disapprovingly at the person sitting next to me. Only thing was that I was the last person seated at the conference table. I have never lived down that particular shame.

The only person who grossed us out more than the Queen of Farts was the Boogerman. He was a corporate partner who had graduated from Harvard and Yale Law school, who was very nice and very smart but had a terrible habit of picking his nose and wiping his boogers on any nearby available surface. I will never forget the day I went to pick up a contract I had drafted and that he was supposed to provide comments on. His secretary had it waiting for me and her face said it all. She handed me the document and I immediately noticed three small piles of grey gunk stuck to the front sheet. She said, "I took the liberty of circling some additional changes I feel you should probably make." It was then I noticed that she had circled the boogers with a big red marker. I had to stuff my fist in my hand to keep from shrieking in laughter and disgust. I still can't really remember how I got through redrafting that contract with those nasty boogers smeared all over the front page. And it really grossed me out to even touch any of the pages. I was always a little OCD, but you can see how instances like this made me more OCD. And as much as I desperately wanted to return the document as is, I remember throwing away the first page as I didn't want to return the document with his boogers circled like an accusation of improper hygiene. After all, he was the boss. And no boss likes looking a fool in front of his subordinates.

Now the only farts and boogers I have to deal with are delivered lovingly by my three beautiful girls and Da Man. Farts still make me laugh and boogers still gross me out. But I can still out belch everyone around me.

31 comments:

Merry Monteleone said...

LOL - what is it with the flatulence today? My five year old was farting uncontrollably at bedtime tonight. The seven year old was reading us 'One Fish Two Fish.." and all of a sudden, 'toot' - at which point, both of them laughed for several minutes... then my ten year old wandered in to see what was so funny and stayed for the story... during which the littlest farter did it twice more... each time sending all three of them into hysterical laughter.

On the third time, I asked him if he had to go potty - to which he most seriously replied, "No, I'm just a fart machine."

Which made the ten year old roll on the floor with tears in her eyes before leading them in a stunning rendition of "I'm just a fart machine..." to the tune of I'm Just a Love Machine... at which point I gave up for the night.

Ah well, hopefully I can get the little animals trained up before anyone has to work with them.

Wayne said...

Looks like farting month.

Stephen Parrish said...

It sounded like an angry goose honking down our hallway.

Love it.

Kappa no He said...

Japanese are also very chatty about farts. My mother-in-law will talk for upwards of an hour about the quality and quantity and aroma of the gas that leaves her intestinal tract. I'm always like...Please, not at dinner!

I kid you not, the word verification for me is "qwack", not exactly a goose honking but close enough!

Erica Orloff said...

LOL!
Well, considering the stomach flu has been racing through my house, and my three guys all got it--including the Demon Baby, who truly lived up to his name and projectile vomited across a room so far that Linda Blair would have been proud, and I am the MOM so that means I am doing all the laundry and clean-up, I guess I am the Queen of Vomit.

E

moonrat said...

dude. this made me laugh out loud at work (you might even say i barked like a seal). very naughty. i must make sure to read your blog in quiet solitary places in future.

March to the Sea said...

farts are the best..just ask my kids...

Bernita said...

~wiping away tears~

angelle said...

ahahahahahahaha!!! *shrieks with wild laughter*

Danette Haworth said...

When we were little, my brother was always quite proud of his gas.

BTW, my security word had PU right in the middle of it!

Melissa Marsh said...

Oh Ell, this was hilarious! You really should write a column somewhere...you could be the next Erma Bombeck!

Aine said...

Ditto what Melissa said!

Too funny! I love your sense of humor.

Mary Witzl said...

I loved this. I've got farting stage fright too: too many decades of parental training and flatulence suppression have made it practically impossible for me to fart in public. Ages ago I had a colleague who had no such inhibitions and could have farted for the Olympics. And I had a very pretty, innocent-looking Japanese friend who used to jump up when she was visiting me, sprint across the room as gracefully as a gazelle, then say very delicately 'Pardon! I must fart!' and let fly. So brave, and so polite!

Your booger colleague scares me to bits. Are there really people who put their boogers on their desks? I don't believe I'll be able to hold another library book again without feeling squeamish. You've gone and given me OCD!

Precie said...

LMAO!!!

And why the template change? It's nice, but I was confuzzled at first.

Charles Gramlich said...

Ah, the influence of The Simpsons, Family Guy and Southpark. Soon even farting won't be funny. And where will the world be then? Worse off, I tells ya

Larramie said...

I'm :o)ing over the fact that people actually google this, um, act of nature. ;)

Diesel said...

The booger thing is NASTY. Everybody knows you either roll them up in a ball and drop them on the carpet or eat them.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Oops, I just farted.

The Anti-Wife said...

ROTFLMAO!

Colleen_Katana said...

Oh man, this is classic!

I can't wait to have children. My best friend has a 5 year old and says the best part (ok, maybe not the best part but I am exaggerating for emphasis)about having a kid is that you get to pass gas in public and always have someone else to blame it on.

Lisa said...

I snorted water out of my nose when I read this. Thanks Ello. I find the farting versus burping dynamic fascinating. Scott can actually fart on command and prides himself on the fact that his are scentless (I have no idea how that is, but it's true). I OTOH, nearly died of embarrassment on the 2 occasions in our entire relationship when a squeak has inadvertently emerged (he of course found it hysterical). But as a shameless farter, he is horrified if I burp out loud and thinks it's disgusting. How does that work?

Travis Erwin said...

Hey, this post sticks. :)

Stuart Neville said...

The goose lady in the bathroom part reminded me of this:

Peter Griffin vs Michael Moore

Lana Gramlich said...

*LOL!* Thanks for the laugh today...I needed it. I'm not particularly shy about gas, but considering that I work at a library (particularly quiet,) I guess some decorum is in order there. Other than that, "biological & proud," I always say. ;)

Bernita said...

The men in my husband's family were described once as "the greatest sources of natural gas in the known world."

Demon Hunter said...

Ello,
You are hilarious as usual! I love this: "play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony into the toilet" Too funny! :*)

Chris Eldin said...

Hey! Did you fart on your blog, because now it's a different color.

Hotwire said...

i have a 7 year old who might be able to give your belching a run for your money!!!

sherry smyth said...

I'm liking teh idea of calling yourself "Queen of Farts"...has rather a nice ring to it!! :)

SzélsőFa said...

I laughed so hard at reading this, Ello!!!!

Now about belching:
Can you speak while burping?
If yes, how many syllables?

cynthia said...

It must be something about mother in laws!
My husband's mum is surely the most flatulent woman on earth, which is so amusing in a sense because she is such a sweet, impeccably mannered intellectual lady.
She will always leave the room to break wind, but her farting exits with such ferocity that she might as well not bother, as her quacking can be heard from anywhere in the house!
Likewise her dawn chorus when she visits the bathroom of a morning is something to marvel at!
But the thing that tickles me so much is the fact that it is totally out her perceived character.

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