Contest Entries

Here are the first set of entries in my contest. You have until Sunday, 5pm EST to enter. I am happy to post your entry anonymously and will not disclose your information if you do not wish to. Since the prize is sent via email, all I need is your email to enter you and for you to win. So don't hold back! Send it in! We want to laugh, God Damn it!

To all those who have entered, make sure to have all your buddies come by and vote for reader recommendation prize on Monday via comment or by email.

And thank you very much to all of you who have already entered. There may have been some leakage, but I cannot confirm yet.


1. That new Charmin, they say its ultra soft but my ass feels red... can you confirm it is indeed red, because it sure as hell feels red.

- Todd, March to the Sea

2. Monkey see, Monkey poo.
- Chris Eldin,Former Church Lady

3. Why, yes Gladys, it is your best side, but your breath is atrocious from this angle.
- Merry Monteleone, Mom and More

4. Call for you on line toot.
- Charles Gramlich, Razored Zen

5. I keep inserting quarters, but nothing happens. Worst Jukebox ever!
- Paul Liadis, The Struggling Writer

6. A true story by Bud Weiser

First date. Dawn orders a wine. I assume it is a beer/wine place so I ordered a Budweiser. Now begins the adventure:

Dawn: Bud, Dawn needs to know something.” (Oh my God, I thought, she is talking in the third person.) Dawn knows that she is a great catch for Bud. She is young, pretty and bright. Now Dawn does understand that Bud has four children. Dawn would like to get very serious with Bud. Would Bud have a child with Dawn?
Bud: Could at least we have dinner first?
Dawn: Dawn thinks Bud is a very funny man. But seriously, would Bud have a child with Dawn?
Bud: (I am very experienced with this type of question. I have been single for all but three years since 1990.) Dawn, yes I have four kids. I love kids. Why wouldn’t I have another?
Dawn: Dawn thinks this is REALLY encouraging. Dawn thinks that she and Bud will be together a long time.
Bud: (Now if she means that I’ll probably eat my grinder before leaving, than “yes.” It will be a LONG time) Waitress!
Waitress: Yes, Sir.
Bud: Do you have any real alcohol here?
Waitress: Why yes, sir. What can I get you?
Bud: Smirnoff, please.
Waitress: With what?
Bud: A glass and some ice. And quickly, very quickly.
Dawn: Dawn is SO happy this is going so well!!

I paid the check. Dawn asked, “Would Bud like to see Dawn’s apartment?” I paused, smiled and said, “Dawn, as you said, this went so well, why spoil it?”
-- Bud Weiser, WTIT Tape Radio

*******

7. On meeting his daughter-in-law for the first time, Daddy Rhesus realized two things. One, she had a wacky sense of humor. Two, he really needed glasses.
- Mary Whitsell, Resident Alien

8. Okay, Barney, I believe you. And yes, it IS your iPod now. But you're gonna buy me a new one you sick sonofabitch.
- Blogless Troll, Underneath the Bridge

9. No, for the last time! It does NOT look like the Virgin Mary!
- Blogless Troll

10. Hey, don't blame me. You're the one who ate the remote. Now hold still. SportsCenter's coming on.
- Blogless Troll

11. This is what I think of your @#$%^*&)#ed SUV, you apeshit bitch!
-- Lana Gramlich, The Dreaming Tree

12. True story by Anonymouse
I'm only sending you my entry because I think it will win the prize but you must promise me to keep my identity hidden and protect my secret shame.

When I was doing real estate I used to show alot of houses. One time I had an open house in a lovely old colonial house all done up tastefully. Unfortunately I am lactose intolerant but had taken a little too much milk with the coffee I had been downing all day. During a particularly long slow session where I was all alone in the house with no one coming by for at least 45 minutes, I finally let one rip. It was so bad I offended myself. As luck would have it, not 5 minutes after I had farted, a young happy couple came in to see the house. I welcomed them, trying not to flush at the lingering funky odor. They woman crinkled her nose and discreetly tried to turn away from the stink, but the man took a deep sniff and gave me a puzzled expression. "Excuse me," he said. "Is that like a spicy curry I smell? Are the homeowners Indian?" I shook my head no just as the wife turned and noticed the large family portrait of a very white family hanging in the living room. Thankfully, the couple decided to leave quickly without looking any further at the house, before I could die of complete mortification.
-- Whatever you do Do Not Post My Name or I Will Kill You

13. Pheromones, huh? Are you sure this is the way Chanel got started?
-- The Anti-Wife, The Anti-wife blogspot