Thursday, May 22, 2008

Why I'm back on my diet

So the other day I am brushing Angus's hair in the bathroom when she sticks out her belly and announces that she is so fat.

"No you are not and don't say such things in public because it can be offensive."

"What do you mean?" Angus asks.

"Well if someone who is really fat were to hear you, they might be hurt," I said.

Angus puts her hand on my arm and looks up seriously at me and asks, "Mommy, did I hurt your feelings?"

I have been sulking for two days now. Can't believe my 6 year old thinks I'm fat. Sheesh, I'm not fat, I'm just overweight. I mean just because the girls have named my tummy pooch "Cupcake" does not make me fat. Just because I'm 3 sizes my pre-pregnancy size does not make me fat. Just because my Mom likes to borrow my jeans, put them on, pull the waistband out and laugh about how she can stick another person in with her, does not make me fat. Like Youngest says, "Mommy, you are not fat, you just have smushy parts!"

I could blame the media and the toy and fashion industry for their unrelenting obssession with being thin, but I can point to something else closer in proximity. My friends and other skinny ass moms from school. Were I to sit on them, my size 10 butt would snap their size 2 frames in half. I don't get it! My friends who didn't have babies, I can easily discount. After all, pregnancy ruins your body. But these skinny ass moms had just as many babies as I did. That is so wrong!

Talking to them is painful enough.

I never eat desert.
Bitch.
Salads are my favorite thing to eat.
Crazy Bitch.
Oh I can eat anything I want! I never gain weight.
Die, Bitch, DIE!!

So I had a recent conversation with another Mom from Youngest's school. A lovely lady who has 2 strapping boys and yet has managed to maintain her pre-pregnancy figure of a size 4.

Skinnyass - I'm so bad. I've been grazing on snacks all day long!

Fatass - What kind of snacks?

Skinnyass - Oh you know, granola, nuts, carrots, celery...

Fatass - Hey I didn't know they made celery flavored Doritos!

Skinnyass (laughing) - Oh E you are so funny!

Sheesh, I wasn't kidding! But apparently when she meant grazing, she really meant it. I equate snack with tasty and it takes a lot of ranch dressing to make celery tasty.

So I'm back on my diet again. The second day and once again I have failed miserably. Today it was not really my fault. We had an all day long faculty meeting and one of the professors brought in a box of pastries. I tried to hold out but the pastry started talking to me.

Hello Ello! The cheese danish said. At which point I promptly ate it. Because as you all know, it had me at Hello.

35 comments:

Aerin said...

In the same boat with you, sister. DId you ground Angus?

Sending you some celery-flavored danish....

JaneyV said...

Me too. Me too. And I have lost it all and packed it all back on again - often.

"Hey I didn't know they made celery flavored Doritos"
HA!HAHAHAHA! That's great - I must use it. Only thing is, everyone I know knows my aversion to celery - or as I call it "the C word".
I'm glad that I'm not the only one food talks to - I have to eat it just to shut it up.

Lisa said...

This is my most un-favorite time of year. Summer comes and for some reason when I break out the summer clothes they...are...TIGHT. Ugh! Curse you Colorado winter and curse you salt and vinegar potato chips!

Kathi430 said...

Of course you had to eat it - leaving a talking pastry around to taunt others would be just ... wrong. On so many levels.

My daughter had a guest over a few weeks back. They were watching tv and the other little girl pointed out that someone on the show was overweight.

"Shh!" Jaime hisses. "You're being offended to my mommy and daddy when you talk about fat people."

I just shook my head and kept reading.

Bernita said...

You're not fat, you're just fluffy.

Jen in CT said...

dude, I hate when the food starts talking.

good luck on ur diet...

Erica Orloff said...

Ello:
I sincerely believe the best gift you could give your girls is to say, "I love myself the way I am" and not diet in front of them. If you want a cupcake eat it. If you want celery eat it. Embrace the smushiness until it goes away--if it ever does.

My 10-year-old is skinnier than a beanpole. She thinks she's fat. She doesn't hear it around this house. They are bombarded with media images and their friends whose moms are obsessed with perfection (she has one 10-year-old friend whose mom seems hellbent on pushing her into shaving her legs and training bras and puberty whether the kid is ready or not). And those skinny-ass moms.

Embrace the smush. You're perfect just the way you are.

E

moonrat said...

hee hee hee. down with the skinnyasses!! for it is the meaty that shall inherit the earth!

Demon Hunter said...

Size 10 is not fat, Ello. Puuuleeeessseee!! No one wants to eat rabbit food their whole lives---at least, I won't.

But all foods are fine, just in moderation and exercise. Not everyone is going to be a two, and besides, who wants to be? I don't want to look like the Crypt Keeper, JMHO. ;*)

writtenwyrdd said...

Size 10 is so not fat! The whole size issue is ridiculous, because different types require different sizes. Obesity is one thing, but poochy tummys and loose muscle is another.

When I'm not fat (because I am right now, way beyond what you're bothered about) the smallest I ever got was an 8, and that was because I'd just gotten through Army basic training and was dangerously underweight (<10% bodyfat) and really, really hardbodied. If you have a large, heavy frame like I do, 140 is skinny. And skinny me is a size 10 pants, size 14 jacket because I have big shoulders, lol.

I'm always supposed to be on a diet, so I am with you in sprit, even if I don't follow through myself much, lol.

strugglingwriter said...

You had to eat the danish. After all, talking pastries should not be left to freely roam the Earth. You did the right thing, for humanity.

Sarah Hina said...

You need to move to Ohio, Ello. If people saw a size 4 mom-of-two here, they would start throwing pies at her. ;)

Forget the diet. They're lessons in humiliation.

Lana Gramlich said...

I still say "live like you're dying, 'cuz you are." I'd rather live shorter & fuller than longer with longing. Life isn't the same without cheesecake, I don't care what anyone else says or thinks.
I agree with Erica & Sarah...

Precie said...

crap. I'd probably kill to be down to a size 10.

Melissa Marsh said...

Know exactly how you feel. Hate the whole yo-yo weight loss and weight gain. And I have the tummy pooch, too.

Anonymous said...

I think the important thing here is not to put too much emphasis on one's "weight" as opposed to one's "health."

For example, I am definitely overweight, but I can still run ball with the best of them (despite that noise you hear which would be Ello's laughter). However, any concerns I have with being "overweight" really go to how it exacerbates the pounding my knees take and my recovery time after playing a few games of full court, i.e, my general "health."

Better yet, try to imagine there was an emergency that required you to carry Angus to help and then ask yourself how far and how fast could you do it (nod to Johnny Depp).

Yes, if you're overweight, you may not have the stamina to go very fast or go very far. On the flip side though, even if you're skinny, you could be too weak to do it at all! In either case, it's the health, not the weight, of the person that determines the outcome (and whether I have to hurt you for failing to get Angus to safety).

Bottom line, folks -- just think in terms of getting healthy and the weight will take care of itself.

Moreover, next time I'm running your butt around on the tennis court, Ello, please remember this entry in lieu of throwing talking danishes at me.

Da' overweight-but-relatively-healthy Man

Travis Erwin said...

My boys like to tell me I have a belly just like Santa, but I've actually been losing weight. Not long ago I was at a scale killing 288 pounds and this morning the scale only groaned at 270.

Charles Gramlich said...

Well not only did the Danish have you at hello, but you know you can't trust those things once they begin to talk. Loose Danish slims hips, they say. So I'm glad you ate it. It deserved it.

The Quoibler said...

Ello:

Not to turn this into "true blogger confessions", but as someone who has had to deal with an eating disorder (anorexia) during her teen years, I prefer not to see ANYONE diet!

Hell, the root of the word is DIE.

Think about it... then revel in your lovely mushiness! :) And know that we think you're PERFECT just the way you are!

Angelique

Merry Monteleone said...

"I'd rather live shorter & fuller than longer with longing. Life isn't the same without cheesecake, I don't care what anyone else says or thinks."

Okay, Lana's my new hero!

Ello,

I'm not going to yell at you over whether or not size 10 is too big - though if you move to Chicago, you'll find size 10 and under moms in the vast minority... it's really about the weight you're comfortable with and that's right for your body type. My best weight is an 8, and right now my 8's are a little snug while 10's are a bit loose, which is probably more annoying because I can't even buy anything new that I like on me right now... but that's a digression...

Size 6 is just too small for my frame - I look emaciated... and as I'm a pear shaped Italian, it leaves me with all ass and nothing else! But I have a friend who feels chunky at size six because she's so small framed... it depends on your own frame and body type what's healthy for you.

Now, if you want to diet to feel good and have more energy - I'll join you (we've had way too much cake in the house lately anyway) but don't worry about what skinny ass moms eat or look like - from your previous stories about them, they all suck anyway.

Mary Witzl said...

Aw, Ello -- you really had me laughing here. I will never forget the first time I went shopping after my eldest was born. I went waddling into MotherCare in Cardiff and saw a pencil-thin bleached blonde mommy in painted-on black silk trousers pushing her NEWBORN TWINS in a stroller. I know she wasn't their big sister because there was a little kid with her, calling her mummy. I almost burst into tears. To this day, that ranks as one of the great mysteries of the world for me -- how she managed to look like that.

Patti said...

why do you think i run?! to keep the chipotle at bay.

those tiny white donuts that leave dust on your mouth called me this week and told me to get my ass to target, that they were ready to be in mah belly.

i. ate. every. last. one. of. them.

Patti said...

why do you think i run?! to keep the chipotle at bay.

those tiny white donuts that leave dust on your mouth called me this week and told me to get my ass to target, that they were ready to be in mah belly.

i. ate. every. last. one. of. them.

Patti said...

why do you think i run?! to keep the chipotle at bay.

those tiny white donuts that leave dust on your mouth called me this week and told me to get my ass to target, that they were ready to be in mah belly.

i. ate. every. last. one. of. them.

Patti said...

why do you think i run?! to keep the chipotle at bay.

those tiny white donuts that leave dust on your mouth called me this week and told me to get my ass to target, that they were ready to be in mah belly.

i. ate. every. last. one. of. them.

Patti said...

why do you think i run?! to keep the chipotle at bay.

those tiny white donuts that leave dust on your mouth called me this week and told me to get my ass to target, that they were ready to be in mah belly.

i. ate. every. last. one. of. them.

Patti said...

why do you think i run?! to keep the chipotle at bay.

those tiny white donuts that leave dust on your mouth called me this week and told me to get my ass to target, that they were ready to be in mah belly.

i. ate. every. last. one. of. them.

SzélsőFa said...

Hi Ello,

this post is funny, but the truth behind is sad. The media, as someone mentioned is responsible for this, but we are also responsible. We should just be what we are. This does not mean we have to be lazy, but if the day is hectic and you just can not exercise, then what?
You are just what you are.
I suggest you taking a look at the shapeofthemother website.

April said...

celery should be outlawed....

Chris Eldin said...

I will see your ten and raise you two.

bluesugarpoet said...

Some men think that a size 10 is the perfect sized ass. If I get much below that, my husband doesn't say anything. But then I notice he buys me ice cream and chocolate bars more frequently.

Jennifer L. Griffith said...

Size 10 is NOT fat!!!!

Lana Gramlich said...

*High 5s Merry!*

Mom In Scrubs said...

Size 10 is my "skinny." Having boobs, hips, and broad shoulders just doesn't equate with anything smaller.

But I DO hate it when I pull out my summer clothes and they don't fit. GAAAH! I hate shopping.

Colleen_Katana said...

Whoa...I'm really late to the party commenting here, but oh well. I'm dieting/exercising too and I TOTALLY FEEL YOUR PAIN. I have not had any children and I don't even consider myself overweight but for a show I'm in, the director asked me to lose 15 lbs off of my 5'2 120lb frame. ::Sigh:: Will I ACTUALLY lose 15 pounds? Probably not, but maybe the exercising and cutting sugars etc out of my diet will help me thin out and tone up.

However, I just can't stop thinking about how great a McDonald's cheeseburger, fries and sweet tea would be right now. it's killing me.

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