Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 20

Some of you may remember this little funny thing that happened last year, which I posted about in my very first Random Funny Things My kids say. I post it here again as a lead in to the newest Angus escapade.:

Explosive secret:

My middle child came home and told me she had to tell me a secret. I asked her what was up. She said, “At school today I had to fart but I didn’t want to fart at my station cause I knew it would smell bad so I went to another station and farted and then ran away. But I didn’t know it would be SO stinky. I thought it would just be a little stinky. But it was really bad! It smelled like lots and lots of boiled eggs! Lots of them! I didn’t know my fart could smell like that! And then Grant said Phillip did a stinky fart and Phillip said Nuh, uh and that Grant must have done it and then everyone started going ‘ill, ill, someone farted!’ and teacher got so mad at both of them she gave them both letters (the school gives out letters for bad behavior). And she had to open the window to let some air in. But I didn’t tell anyone that it was me who did the stinky fart and Grant and Phillip got in trouble. I was too scared to admit that it was me that done it. Was that bad? Will God be angry with me? Mommy? Mommy why are you crying?”

Secrets and Lies - Angus strikes again

So after dinner with some friends at the mall last night, I stopped by the makeup counter at Nordstrom's to buy some eyeliner. The nice Lancome lady commented on my beautiful girls and offered up some lip gloss. First she put some on Oldest who beamed happily, then she offered some to Angus who immediately ran off to a mirror at another counter. As I raised Youngest up to get her coating of luscious pink delight, a sudden horrendously foul smell hit me. My eyes began to water and I stare into the shocked and frozen expression of the Lancome lady before me. I glance at Youngest and Oldest, they were blinking their eyes and rubbing their noses. I stare back at the Lancome lady who is still frozen, but her face has begun to melt from the fumes. Copious eyeliner and mascara flow like lava down her perfect skin.

The smell finally begins to fade and Youngest starts to squirm, pressing forward with lips puckered. Lancome lady automatically applies lip gloss to Youngest's cupid bow. I put down Youngest and stumble back, wiping the tears away from my eyes while Lancome lady flees the scene with her melted face, barely taking in the girls thank yous. Angus finally saunters back. Oldest immediately goes on the attack.

"I can't believe you farted and ran away!!!"

"I didn't!" Angus shouts. "It wasn't me!"

I'm rushing the girls out of the store as fast as I can before Lancome lady decides to call in a poison gas attack to Homeland security. We run into the car all the while Angus is protesting her innocence. As we are driving away a horrendous stench befouls the entire car and I quickly roll down the windows as I gag and wheeze.

"PEEEEEEEE EWWWWWWW! I guess my farts do stink!" Angus begins to laugh. "I think I have to go to the bathroom."

"Please do not fart again," I insist, "Or you may have an accident."

"Well you better hurry then!"

"You're killing me!" I say as I speed up.

"Ooops!" she says and begins to laugh again. "Mommy's gonna vomit! Mommy's gonna vomit!"

"There's something terribly wrong with you," Oldest says from the back of the car.

I agree. I think she takes after her father.