For the past few months my blogging activity has been sporadic and my google reader has been set to 1000+ but is more accurately over 5,000 which makes me want to roll up into a fetal position and suck my thumb. I've not been really making rounds to my blogging buddies because it's been feeling a bit overwhelming. Too many posts to read. Too many people to see. Too many things to do. I should just overcome it and attack my google reader but inertia has set in.
So I've been pondering this, wondering what's going on. Used to be the highlight of my week was making the rounds and reading everyone's blog entries. And I know it isn't that I don't care anymore. I'm still intensely interested and I'll find myself clicking over for a quick read here and there. But I'm not commenting a lot, feeling like I don't have much to say. I'm just not as active as before and I don't know if it is laziness or something else.
The more I thought about it, the more I came to a realization that I'm feeling a bit lost. In part it's because I've been trapped in revision purgatory for a year, with this continual feeling of 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I just haven't had anything good to report in so very long. Yes I'll blog about something funny every once in awhile but making the rounds is a conversation. And my conversation has been one note. I can't even say I'm almost done or I hope to be done soon, because I've thought I've been done before and found that I wasn't.
So this is where I'm at. Not bad, but not great. Feeling trapped and wondering if I'll ever get free. Anyone else feel like this? Lost and a bit helpless? And it doesn't help that we are coming up on to the busy holiday season and the busy final season at school. Usually around this time I feel like I'm treading water and I know I'll be busy til the New Year. But until I can finally say I'm done revising and the MS goes back out on submission, I think I'm going to continue to feel trapped in limbo.
But it wasn't all bad. This revision process has been the greatest learning experience of my life. Working with my agent, my wonderful freelance editor, and my crit buddies, I've grown so much as a writer. My MS keeps getting better and better with each revision. I still love it. I can't even say I'm sick of it. I love it cause I basically created the kind of story that I want to read. Mythic, historic, magical, violent, brutal, tender, tragic and uplifting. I'm hoping that one day others will read it and love it too, but until that day, I just have to keep working.
Oldest had to work on her story for her 5th grade writing class the other day and she said to me, "Mom, revising is the hardest part of writing." I said, "You're absolutely right, but revising is where you take your lump of coal and polish out your beautiful diamond." I've been seeing my diamond shining through the coal. I still have a layer of black to polish through, but I know I'll make it. I just have to.