Please don't call me Oriental

The other day an old man made a comment to me that my oriental children were well mannered. I said thank you and tried not to let the oriental comment bother me. After all, he is from a different generation where oriental was the correct term to use for Asians. But it got me to thinking about the word and why it bothered me and I started doing some research and stumbled upon a forum with over 10 pages of back and forth on why it was insulting or why it was ridiculous. And the one comment that really upset me was when someone said "Oriental offensive? Since when did we let foreigners dictate how to use our language?"

It is a telling comment. Its roots based in the notion that Asians are foreigners. The term "oriental" comes from the "orient" which refers to the east. A term that was based on the Eurocentric belief that the Orient was a barbaric and exotic place east of Europe. It is why the word itself is considered derogatory, for it casts "orientals" as different, as foreigners. And when you think of yourself as American, being reminded that you are "foreign" hurts.

When I first started having conversations about race with my children, they would ask me if they should tell people they are Korean. I said no, you say you are American. "But I can't say that," my then 6 year old said. "They say I don't look American." I think as a parent, there are moments that just break your heart because you want to protect your children from the harsh realities of life and you find that you just can't.

The reality is that my kids, me, my sister, my husband - we are as far from being Korean as we are from being Egyptian or Russian. We might look like a Korean and pass for one on the streets of Seoul, but as soon as we open our mouths, our Americanism pours right out. Not just in what we say or how we say it. But in how we think, walk, laugh, carry ourselves, etc. For someone to say "You're not American because you don't look like one." Well then, you might as well strip us of our complete identity. It's like every time someone shouts out "Go back to your own country!" Something inside of us dies just a little bit.

This past spring, youngest came home from kindergarten deeply upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she explained that she was sitting at lunch with 2 of her friends H and M, who are both blond and blue-eyed. Two boys were sitting across from them and were commenting on how pretty H and M are, listing how pretty their eyes were and their long hair, etc. They then turned to youngest and began to comment on how ugly she was in comparison. Youngest was devastated. I was proud of her for standing up to them. Telling them to stop or she would move to another table. When they didn't stop, she made good on her threat and moved away. I was proud of her for taking a stand, but my heart broke for her. She asked me if she really was ugly because she didn't have blonde hair and blue eyes. "No," I said, "you are beautiful inside and out but some people just are blind and can't see a diamond shining so bright in front of them. But that's ok. It's their loss so don't even waste your time thinking about them."

Even in kindergarten, children learn to recognize differences and to comment on them. While I did call the school and had the teacher have the boys apologize to youngest, can we really blame children for deep rooted societal prejudices? They told youngest she was ugly because she was different. Her eyes were different, her cheeks were different, even the one asymmetric dimple she has was different. I told her different is good. I hope she remembers that and never lets this become insecurity.

Many people complain that we've become so PC that we can't say anything for fear of someone getting offended. To some extent, I agree with that and I don't ask for people to be so careful with their words. But ultimately it isn't the words that hurt but the intent behind them and sometimes the words themselves become synonymous with the intent. Calling someone oriental or making chinky eyes might not have been made with a racist intent, but the word and the action have become synonymous with an intent to be racist. So why use them? Yes we are different and I truly believe different is good. But when these differences are used as a way to stereotype people negatively, it becomes racism.

So please, don't call me oriental. I am no devious, slant-eyed, exotic foreigner that speaks cryptically of ancient Chinese secrets. That stereotype needs to die. Help me kill it once and for all.

K-Pop Time!!

Ok it's that time of year where I decide to let you all in on a K-pop video cause I know you aren't getting your Korean pop music fix anywhere else. Ha!

Last year I brought you the Wonder Girls. This year I give the boys a chance to shine. Here's the biggest boy band you'll ever see - Super Junior, or SuJu. Biggest as in they have 10 boys of varying hotness in the band and they can all dance and sing.

So this is Bonamana, they're latest song. It has a good dance beat although it gets a little too electropoppy for me. But damn if it isn't fun watching these boys dance.



If the video is cut off on side, it's cause its HD. Just click on it and it'll take you to the Youtube page.

CinderZombie

Hi guys! Sorry I've been such a bad blogger. It's hard to blog when all 3 aliens are home from school and are not in summer camp. What kind of stupidity is this, you ask? Yes, I was suckered into not sending them to camp by illogical arguments and the use of the sad eyes.


For some reason, Angus and youngest do not like summer camp. Too energetic, they claim. Lazy bums. Oldest is the only one a little bummed out about not going to camp but I've been filling their days with the pool, museums, zoos, movies, playdates, and popsicles. Between constantly entertaining them, feeding them, driving them, feeding them, breaking them up, feeding them, etc. - I barely have time for myself. And because the summer hours have them staying up later, they are cutting into my valuable writing time at night. This is all my excuse for being a bad blogger.

So lately they've been on a zombie drawing kick. If you've seen me on twitter, you've probably seen me uploading pictures of fat zombie, soccer zombie, and my favorite - the Hasidic Jew zombie. But I do think the best of the bunch was this one - Cinderzombie by Angus.

Angus tells me that before Cinderzombie became a zombie, she was a girl named Fred who was terribly ugly. That's why she had a beard. She had 2 beautiful sisters named Bob and Jerry and her mother was named Petunia. One day Fred made the biggest mistake in her life when she accidentally spilled mayo on Bob's shirt and Bob was so mad at Fred that Bob told Jerry and Jerry told Petunia and they were all so mad at Fred and made her do chores all day. One day there was a ball with a handsome prince named Prince Sally (I'm not making these names up - this is all from Angus). Bob told Fred she was too ugly to go to the ball. Which was true, but Fred thought Hey maybe the prince isn't so handsome. But then she saw a picture of Prince Sally and thought "Man is he cute!" So Fred thought again and just did chores and chores and chores and chores and chores...

Fred was crying on her staircase, if she even had one, and then Poof! the magic weasel named Weasel appeared. And Weasel was holding Fred on his lap but then Fred crushed Weasel since he was much smaller than Fred's butt. When Weasel could breathe again he said "I'll grant you any wish you want!" Fred said "I really want to go to the ball." And Weasel said "Uh, isn't there anything else?" Weasel slapped himself on the face and thought "Man this girl is hideous!" and wondered if he had enough magic to make her beautiful for the ball. But all Weasel could do was put her in a pretty dress, hairy legs, beard and everything.

Fred was so excited and went to the ball. At the ball, people fainted at how ugly Fred was but Fred didn't notice because she wanted to meet the prince. When she finally met Prince Sally, her approach chased away all the pretty girls who were hanging all around the prince. Prince Sally turned to Fred and said "Hey thanks a lot! You saved me from being bored to death! Do you want to dance?" The Prince and Fred spent the whole night dancing cause Fred's ugliness kept all the other girls away. But the Prince and Fred talked a lot because they had so much in common like their love of basketball and burping. And the Prince thought Fred was actually quite cute.

Then the clock struck midnight and Fred was going to run away, but then the zombie invasion occurred and everyone got turned into zombies. But Fred was quite happy to be a zombie because it turned out Fred was the prettiest zombie in the world.

The End.

Tale of Iroh

I think most of you know how I feel about the new Last Airbender movie. Do I feel vindicated that it has one of the worst ratings with both critics and viewers alike? Hell yes! But the movie still did surprising well in the box office. Does that make me feel good? Hell no!

The thing is, I don't want this film to do well. I don't want Shamalama to make another Avatar film. Does that make me mean and vindictive? Well, I don't really care. Whitewashing is racist. The fact that the whitewashing was done by a minority director doesn't make it any less racist. It makes it just sad. And the fact that he rests his laurels on the fact that the movie has one of the most diverse casts of any Hollywood movie? Well sir, I hate to point out that you are still confirming the Hollywood idea that a minorities in main character roles cannot carry a film. And everytime someone says "Well it's anime and the eyes are definitely not Asian and Aang looks white and it's an American production..." I just want to punch them in the face and shove bamboo slivers under their nails. Guys - when the show opens, it uses Chinese characters in correlation with the themes of Air, Fire, Water and Earth. They use Asian sounding names. They wear Asian clothing. They live in houses with hanji or shoji - paper covered windows and doors. They use chopsticks when they eat. Need I go on?

But I'm tired of all this crap. Let's celebrate the original series which is an extraordinary animated series that will go down in history as one of the best ever created. Here is a clip from my favorite episode with my favorite character voiced by the fabulous Mako Iwamatsu who passed away after the second season. You don't need any backstory to be touched by this scene. And it makes me cry every time I watch it.

Favorite Google commercial

I guess because I am a child of immigrant parents, this google commercial really gets to me. Or maybe I'm just a sap.



Stolen from the angry asian man blog.

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 42

Overheard this conversation:

Angus (middle child who is now 9) to Youngest (who is 6)

Angus - "Look, if you have to pick your nose while we are out, make sure to use the hand sanitizer afterward." (I always carry hand sanitizer in my purse.)

Youngest - "What if there's no more?"

Oldest (who is now 11) - "Then don't pick your nose. It's disgusting!"

Angus (whispering) - "Don't listen to her. Everyone picks their nose. That's why your own finger fits in your own nose perfectly." To demonstrate, Angus holds up her finger to Youngest's tiny little nostril. "See, my finger's too big for your nose but yours is just right. Oh but now you got a boogie on my finger. Quick get the hand sanitizer!"

Oldest - "I just don't understand how you guys are related to me."

Random Funny Things My Mom Says - Part 8

The aliens and I are in NYC visiting my parents. As usual my Mom decideed to subtly comment on my weight. We were walking outside to take the aliens to the pier, when my mother turned to look at me and sighed. "Girls, do you know what is the one thing I wish for the most in life?"


Angus - "To win a million dollars?"


Oldest - "That the republicans were back in office?"


Youngest - "That we get a puppy?"


After she poo poohed everything but the republicans comment, she pointed at me and said "I wish someone would put your Mom on a makeover show so that she can be beautiful again."


As I began to choke on my gum, they all turned to look at me. I was wearing a gray t-shirt, jeans, and flip-flops. My hair was wet and the only makeup I ever wear is eyeliner. If it were cold out, I'd probably have a hoodie on. But it was over 90 degrees out and muggy so I was already starting to sweat and get red in the face. I growled menacingly at all of them. No one said another word. Score 1 for Mom.


Later that day my Mom told me that since it was Father's day, we should go buy a watermelon for my dad. "Besides, watermelon is good for your diet," she said.


So we walked over to the local Fairway supermarket which is about a brisk 10 minute walk over on Broadway. My parents have a car in their building's garage, but since we are walking I'm envisioning cubed watermelon in plastic containers or maybe even a pre-sliced quarter of watermelon. I've got my reusable shopping bag in my purse that I carry everywhere so I feel confident that I can carry some watermelon back. But when we get to the supermarket, my Dad bypassed the cut up squares and the presliced watermelon and goes to pick up a big ol' watermelon.


The thing had to be at least 10 to 20 lbs but felt like 50! It was so big it didn't fit in my reusable shopping bag!!! The sales clerk doubled up the plastic bags, but they're so flimsy I had no choice but to carry this behemoth like a baby in my arms for 5 blocks and 2 avenues. For those of you who don't know what a NYC avenue is like - well it is the equivalent of 3 regular city blocks. I carried that thing for exactly 0.7 miles. I checked google maps. Sweat poured down from my hair like I was caught in the middle of a tropical monsoon. My face was magenta and had a little pig built a house out of straw or sticks, I would have easily blown that sucker down with all my huffing and puffing. My arms felt like they were being pulled from their sockets and my legs had turned to lead. Even the aliens buzzed about me sympathetically but were of no help.


As we neared home, I said to my mother, "This better be the most delicious watermelon in the world!"


To which she responded, "Even if it isn't, I told you it was good for your diet!"


A terrible suspicion gripped me. "Is this what you meant by the watermelon diet?!!!"


My mom laughed, "I bet you lost 3 lbs today carrying that thing home!"


Torturous woman 2 points + 10 for sheer evilness
Dummy carrying a hugeass watermelon 0 points


I've decided to trademark the watermelon diet and make a billion dollars selling watermelons in slings for people to carry around everyday. I'll call it the "My Mom is trying to kill me" diet. And I'm sure it will be a bestseller.

Day 1 - The Invasion

The aliens have landed, released from the mother school-ship, they will descend upon me like the hounds of hell. They will demand constant attention. They will eat ravenously but never be full. They will watch annoying television shows with bad theme songs. They will listen to horrible teeny bop music. They will demand to invite more aliens to torture me. They will make terrible messes. They will leave foul odors. They will . . .

They're her e . ..

H E L P M E H E L P M E H E L P M E H E L P M E H E L P M E H E L P M E H E L . . .

Good news!

So I've got some good news that I've been really eager to share with you all but I've been waiting to make it official. Well, now that the contracts are signed, it's official! I've signed with Joe Monti of Barry Goldblatt Literary!

It's been hard keeping quiet. I think I would have even gone longer but I found out that my lovely Inkies had spilled the news this past Saturday on the Enchanted Inkpot. he he. It's funny cause I read that post and somehow completely missed my own news. Too much bouncing off the walls I guess.

It was an incredible experience for me because I had the amazing good fortune to receive 4 offers of representation from amazing agents, any one of which I would have been extremely happy to sign with. I had 4 fantastic conversations with agents that all said they loved my book and who made this a very difficult decision. But what made me sign with Joe was that we talked for 2 hours and it felt like 20 minutes. It felt right and I'm excited to see what's in store for me next.

I have to thank each of the agents that offered for me. I am so grateful to them for providing me with the affirmation that I do have what it takes to be a writer. And for that alone I will always appreciate them all. Besides, anyone who says they love my book has got to be the coolest, most awesome people in the world, right? Right.

The Boneshaker by Kate Milford

Hi everyone! It's me Summer (Oldest) and I have another interview for you today. It is with Kate Milford who is the author of a really cool book with a really cool title called The Boneshaker.



Summer - Thanks Ms. Milford for sending me the ARC for your fantastic book! I really enjoyed reading it. My Mom called your book Americana fantasy with some elements of steampunk. I just call it an amazing read. And I loved the creepy traveling medicine show. Your main character, Natalie is a wonderful character. How did you create her? Is she like you or anybody else you know?

Kate Milford - I’ve been thinking about this a lot since the book came out, and I think I’ve decided I think she’s a little like I am now. I didn’t really get into automata and bicycles until right about the time I started writing this story. On the other hand, I did grow up with a mom who loved to tell stories and a dad who was always puttering around in a workshop, and I was definitely like Natalie in that I liked learning things and I did sort of hate to look like I didn’t know what I was talking about. I’m not sure I ever outgrew that, actually…

Summer - You have a lot of great characters in your book. Like Old Tom, Dr. Limberleg, the four Paragons, Annie Minks, and even Miranda. How did you come up with all of them? How did you make them so different? Can you relate to them? And how do you relate to them?

Kate Milford - I have to admit, I love creating the secondary characters. They can be so honest about who they are—you don’t have to worry about them the same way you have to worry about the protagonist or the villain. You can’t screw up the protagonist or the villain, if you know what I mean--you have to get those two right: they have to have their motivations and their arcs and they have to be relatable and they have to change…otherwise in some way or another they just don’t work. But I feel like there’s so much more freedom with the secondary characters. They can be as weird as they want to be, as long as they serve a purpose. I love the Paragons particularly, because they just don’t care what anyone thinks. They care so little, Nervine doesn’t even bother to put on his whole costume half the time. They’re evil, but in some ways I envy them. I worry way too much about what other people think, but with a character like Alpheus Nervine, I can live a little. In an evil kind of way. Does that make sense?

Also, in this book most of the characters (with the exception of the Paragons) have a little bit of someone I know in them. Ryan and Alfred, for instance, are based on my husband and his friend (also named Alfred), who are both huge film guys (Ryan’s total lack of patience for anyone who annoys him, for instance, comes directly from my husband). Mr. Minks is a bit of a blend of my father, my grandfathers, and my father-in-law. Oddly, Old Tom has a little bit of both of my brothers mixed into him (although they’re both in their twenties). I don’t know if they would both agree with me, but I always think of both of them finding music at a crossroads. And of course, Mrs. Minks is based a little bit on the women in my family.

Summer - Your story has such an original concept. Small towns, crossroads, traveling medicine shows, mechanical automatons, the devil, and bicycles. What made you put all these things together? How did you choose this topic and setting?

Kate Milford - I am absolutely in love with small towns. I grew up on the East coast (I’m from Annapolis, Maryland, originally), and my family used to take road trips on weekends and we’d just pick a direction and drive. We’d happily drive two hours just to get to this one place on the Virginia border that had good hot chocolate, for example. We’d stop at flea markets and antique stores, dive restaurants and marinas. We’d find little towns and detour through them; we’d stop if we saw an old boat for sale or a car that might be neat to fix up. After I moved to NYC I met my husband, who’s from Missouri, and all of a sudden I had this whole new group of people who’d drive me around looking for cool stuff, and trust me when I tell you, small towns in the Midwest are awesome if you like driving around looking for interesting things. So that’s how I wound up writing about a small town. They are so cool and so weird.

As far as the rest of it…the crossroads, automata, bicycles…I hoard up stuff I think is cool until it comes together. Back when I started writing this book, I had just gotten a book on automata from a used book store, and a few months before I had done a bunch of research on Victorian medicine for a totally different project, and then I found some reference to medicine shows and started reading about that. I don’t know what the thing was that brought it all together, but it was like a puzzle and all of a sudden I knew where the pieces went, and I started writing.

Summer - We live in Maryland too! And I've been to Annapolis a few times. It is very nice. So what made you include the devil and demons in your story?

Kate Milford - I think the devil is a great character, mainly! There’s a great anecdote that the editor of a recent edition of John Milton’s Paradise Lost tells in the introduction. He says he heard that once an old country squire who had never before heard the story was listening to that great epic poem being read aloud by his fireside. The squire gets carried away by the tale and announces suddenly, “By God! I know not what the outcome may be, but this Lucifer is a damned fine fellow, and I hope he may win!” Well, he doesn’t, of course, and I’m not quoting this to suggest I agree…but it’s just an example of how great a character the devil is. All you have to do is invoke him and you’re able to invoke a whole mythology, everything he symbolizes, without doing all that much extra work! If I tell you Natalie has to find a way to look the Devil in the eye, you may not know right away what’s going to happen or what her particular struggle is, but you understand that she’s going up against something intensely strong, fearsome, deeply powerful, deeply evil, deeply persuasive. You know that without my even having to do anything. The great thing about the devil as a character is that he exists in different forms, in different mythologies and different religions, and although he changes slightly to accommodate each one, he’s always recognizable.

Having said that, I realize now that I answered an interview at the Enchanted Inkpot last week and said something very similar about a different character…which is interesting and which I didn’t realize until just now. Huh. Must investigate this further.

Summer - Natalie loves bicycles and mechanical things. Why those things in particular? Does it connect to you in some way?

Kate Milford - A little bit. I just think there’s such elegance to mechanical devices, to the logic that makes them work, and the forces that have to be in balance for them to work. I guess the more I find myself surrounded by and dependent on electronics, the more compelling I find mechanical devices. Plus, they’re just pretty. Or maybe that’s just me?

Summer - No, I think they are cool too. Natalie is also really brave. I know I would be terrified to face the devil. But she is able to look the devil in the eye like Old Tom told her to do. Is that what helps her be brave? Is that something you believe in too?

Kate Milford - Tough question. On some level, I hope I’d be brave enough to look the devil in the eye, but the truth is, I mainly hope I’d be able to identify the evil I had to stare down if I ran into it. That’s kind of the toughest part of the equation, I think. I don’t believe the world is usually as black-and-white as it is for Natalie, who knows that’s who she has to face. I have to be honest, I’m not sure I have a great answer for you here, Summer. I think it’s important to stand up for what you believe in, and I think it’s important to always work toward the good, but I don’t think it’s always easy to verbalize what “the things you believe in” or “the good” really means, especially in a real-world situation when you have to make a difficult choice.

I thought when I was writing this that some people might object to the fact that Natalie has to use Tom’s favor from the Devil to save Arcane, actually, but so far, nobody seems to have been bothered by it.

Summer - But why would they object? I love that part of it. It made perfect sense for me. In the book, there is a story about the photographer who takes pictures of all the dead people. Why did he take pictures of them? Was Dr. Bellinspire right to think the illness and the photographer was connected? Was the photographer really a demon?

Kate Milford - There was a time when photographers rode circuits like doctors and judges. Taking a picture back then was a very complex process, so it wasn’t something all that many people were doing. Because a visit from a photographer was so rare, if someone, particularly a child, died before the photographer got there, the family might actually wait to bury the deceased, in order to have a picture of them—any picture, even if it was a picture of a corpse. When I was younger, I went to New Orleans with my family and we took a tour that started at a place called the Dead Mozell Café, which was named after a child named Mozell whose parents had a photograph of her taken a few days after she died, because that’s when the photographer passed through their town. I did a quick search for the link, but I had no luck finding it. My recollection is that little Mozell had to have a hand amputated in the course of her illness—it must’ve been gangrene or something—but in the picture, one of her siblings is posed holding the empty space where the dead child’s hand should’ve been. The only alternative for Mozell’s parents was to have no picture to remember her by, at all. What a horrible choice to make, right?

As for whether the photographer was really a demon—I’ll leave that up to you to decide.

Summer - What did Jack the drifter mean when he told Dr. Limberleg that he could give him a haven? And what did Limberleg’s choice mean?

Kate Milford - I think I’ll plead the fifth on this one, too, because I don’t want to give anything away. Think about the part where Natalie figures out who Jack really is, and think about why he might say, as he says to her, that Arcane is the kind of place a fellow might consider making his home. Why might Jack decide to stay in Arcane, and why might he want to convince someone like Jake Limberleg to stay there, too?

Summer - I'll go and read it again and figure out what you mean. So will you write a sequel? I hope so.

Kate Milford - I’m planning to. I actually have three books planned for Arcane, and in fact, the “big” story is the story of Natalie and Jack. Once you know who Jack is and what he’s searching for, you can figure out why he and Natalie might find themselves at cross-purposes.

Summer - Sounds cool! When did you know you wanted to be a writer?

Kate Milford - I think I was in first grade, although I think at that point I was also considering pursuing a career as a doctor or a zookeeper (a zookeeper??). There was a while when I was more focused on plays and a while when I thought I might wind up writing screenplays, but I didn’t turn out to be very good at either. On the other hand, I think trying to teach myself how to write good plays and good screenplays really helped me to become a better fiction writer.

Summer - What advice would you give to me and my friends about writing?

Kate Milford - Read lots. When you read something you love, stop and think about what you like and what you don’t. Do the same when you read something you don’t particularly like. If you can get your friends talking about it with you, even better. Also (and this is the deep, dark secret your parents and teachers don’t want you to know), tv and movies can help you learn to write. I’m sorry to say I’m sadly out of touch with what teens are watching on tv, but I feel like some of the best dialogue I’ve ever encountered was from the tv shows The West Wing and Arrested Development—and also some of the best and most consistent character building. Screenplays are great for helping you learn to write visually—you may have heard the rule, “show, don’t tell.” When you write for film, that’s what you’re supposed to do: you’re supposed to show the action, with a minimum of explanation. That’s why silent films worked so well for so long—the writers and actors had to find ways to show the audience the story, rather than telling it.

Summer - Awesome, thanks! And lastly, when will your next book be out? I want to read it!

I’m finishing a book set in a contemporary city called Nagspeake, in which a girl named Charlotte discovers that her home is hiding another city underground. Hopefully I’ll finish that soon and be able to announce a release date! After that, it’s back to Arcane to continue Natalie’s story, and then on to another story set on a forgotten highway. I don’t have release dates yet, but hopefully I’ll have more information soon!

Summer - That is so cool! I can't wait to read more!

So that's the interview. Hope you enjoyed it! Better yet, hope you run out and buy a copy of The Boneshaker!

I Can See Clearly Now The Rain Is Gone

Last week was a whirlwind adventure - one that I won't forget in a long time. I have good news, but I'm not quite ready to announce it. But along with all the good luck, I learned some very valuable lessons that I would like to share with you all:

1. Writing is like playing the piano. If you don't practice regularly, you get rusty and don't sound so good.

2. Revision is a writer's best friend. Sometimes you get mad, have a fight and never want to see it again, but you'll always be best friends.

3. Rejection is a growth process for the writer. It weeds out those who are serious from the ones who aren't.

4. Even in the meanest critique, a kernel of useful feedback can be found or a valuable lesson can be learned, like never ask the meanie to read your work.

5. Venting and whining can be cathartic, as long as it doesn't take over. Feeling sorry for yourself is fine - but always give yourself a time limit. No more than 2 days maximum whineyness allowed.

6. Always support and cheer for the successes of our fellow writers.

7. Don't let the naysayers poison your mind.

8. Perseverance is the key to success.

9. Good critique groups and beta readers are priceless.

10. My Mom was right. I'm not a chicken. I'm an eagle. Cue the cheesy 70s music.

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 41

My neighbor was asking Youngest who she was more like Mommy or Daddy. To which she replied, "Well, I'm like both of them. I fart a lot like Daddy and I make big gigantic burps like Mommy."

I just want to point out that unlike farting, gigantic burps actually takes talent.

Random Funny Japanese Game Show

This show is so funny. It's a batsu game where Japanese comedians have to go to a high school which is a "no laughing" high school. All the teachers are comedians. If they laugh, they get beat with a kendo stick. You have to watch the video clip with the guy counting to 100. It's the best part.

Random Funny Things My Mom Says - Part 7

A little while back my buddy Moonrat did this awesome post on "Do I really want to be published?" that could have been written about me. In fact, it was. And as excellent as Moonie's advice has always been to me, I've never been able to get to that zen state about my book. Until now. Because my Mom did the smackdown on me. And it was good.

My folks came down this weekend for a visit. They've known that I've been under a lot of stress and were worried about me. The first thing my Mom says is to get off the laptop. "All that computer does is give you stress. Turn it off and come sit down and talk."

I turn off the computer and sit down, heart sinking for the lecture that I know is coming. It won't matter if I'm 60 years old, my parents are always going to lecture me. That's life.

"Ellen, why are you so stressed about this book?" my Mom asks. "Why don't you forget about it already."

"That's impossible, Mom. I just can't forget it."

"Not forget forever. Just for a little while," my Mom says. "Listen, don't be stuck on your book. Let it go and be happy. When you are happy, really happy, then go back to it. Nothing works when your brain is filled with stress." She rubs at the crease between my eyebrows. "Your brain is all filled with worry and stress and miserableness. Why you want to put that in your book? You put that in your book - who want to read it? Happiness makes your healthy. Healthy makes your brain happy. Then you write your book."

I nod and sigh. "It's not that easy..."

"Of course it's not easy." My Mom shakes her head at me. "You and your sister got your writing gene from your Dad. He's a great writer. Great newspaper columnist (my Dad had a column in the national Korean American paper for years). But then he write 3 books and they don't do good. He's depressed and give up writing. That's why he's worried about you girls. But I'm not worried. I know one day people will applaud me just for being your mother. You will be great one day. But don't rush it. You don't have to. I will live until I am 110! You have plenty of time. Don't rush."

I begin to laugh. "Thanks Mom. Maybe one day then it'll all work out for me. It's just hard when I see all my friends succeed and I wonder when it will happen to me." (My wonderful, fabulous critique group is made up of me and 3 authors who I knew from the day I first read their work that they would all be published because they were that good. And I was right. All 3 have book deals for 2011 - and I couldn't be happier for them.)

My Mom smiles and grabs my hands. "What kind of writer will you be? Some writers will write 10 books that are all forgettable. You will be the writer that writes one book, but it will be unforgettable. I believe in you. Some people lay eggs that turn into chickens - others lay eggs that turn into eagles. You are no chicken. You are an Eagle. One day you will soar."

"Funny - I thought you were going to say swan, but I like the eagle analogy better," I say.

"Swan, BAH! Only look good on outside. Open its mouth and the ugliest sound come out. Eagle is better. Look strong, look powerful, be strong, be powerful."

"Thanks Mom, you're right."

"Of course. I'm almost always right."

Bureaucratic Indifference

As some of you who follow me on facebook and twitter know, I have been in a state of blind fury the last couple of days. I'd like to tell everyone what's been going on.

Oldest is 11 and in 5th grade. She is a volunteer Safety Patrol which means she wears a yellow belt and a badge and she makes sure the kids board the bus safely and behave on the bus. She also makes sure to take the kindergartners to and from the bus. That's her job. Except our bus stop is on a very heavily congested road with heavy rush hour traffic in the morning. We deal with speeders, honkers, jerks who try to beat the school bus, a very large elderly driving population, and lots of mercedes drivers. This is a very unsafe road. On top of this, even after 10 years of complaints, the Department of Transportation (DOT) has never done anything to address this situation even though there is no safe way for the kids to cross this dangerous street. There is no stop sign - no crosswalk. Ironically, there is a no left and no right turn on an intersecting street that goes into a nearby neighborhood. That sign was put up in order to protect the property value of that neighborhood because (1) the traffic on our street is so heavy that it would devalue the neighborhood and destroy the streets, and (2) a councilmember lives there. When some crazy vandal destroyed these signs 3 times last year, DOT sent a crew to fix that sign within days of it happening.

As you can see DOT values property value over children's safety. So getting back to my story. A parent who was nearly hit several times crossing the street with her young child harassed DOT so much that they finally sent an employee to our school bus stop to assess the situation. This woman went up to my 11 year old daughter and told her that it was her job as safety patrol to walk into the middle of oncoming rush hour traffic, hold up her hands and stop traffic in order to allow children to cross to the bus stop safely. Since when did we send children into danger to guarantee the safety of other children? Should we next give them a gun and tell them to stop crime also? This is a street even adults are afraid to cross, let alone try to actively stop traffic? Did I mention that we had an excessive number of mercedes drivers in the area? We have incredibly selfish assholes who will even race around a stopped school bus in order to not get stuck behind it. We are talking about people who don't care. And I should let my child walk into that?

What is most troubling about this episode is not that this county employee was so deeply misguided enough to endanger a child's life, but that in response to repeated attempts by parents to address the danger surrounding this school bus stop that this was the only response.

This employee told the complaining parent to have my daughter stop traffic for her. The parent was misguided enough to - the very next day - follow through on the employee's advice and tried to wave my daughter into oncoming traffic. I actually stood flabbergasted watching her insist my daughter come out into the street and my daughter shaking her head, over and over until finally the woman crossed on her own. My daughter knows that she is not allowed to cross this street and refused to do as the county employee demanded even though she was terribly intimidated by this woman. My daughter knew enough to stand her ground. But what if it was a different child who maybe was too naive to question authority? What if this employee had indeed persuaded a child to walk into traffic? That idea kept me awake at night.

I've made a big stink and called and wrote to everyone I could think of. Today the supervisor of the misguided employee came to observe and to apologize for the employee's mistake. They say that there are talks of getting stop signs in and crosswalks. I'm not holding my breath. Already I'm being given the bureaucratic run around in an endless game of hot potato as different offices pass the issue off to someone else. I've spent nearly a week making my arguments. I've warned the county of their negligence for failure to address the danger. I reminded them that legally there is a higher duty of care toward children. In the end, getting a stop sign and crosswalk in place will be much cheaper. And it will help save lives. Unfortunately, in these situations, it usually takes a death to justify the expense of change. And that is depressing.

WINNERS OF DRIED SQUID!!!

Thank you everyone for bearing with me through construction turmoil, sickness, grading hell, whining children, surly husbands, and my Mom who is in a whole other category of her own - as she should be. This semester is almost over for me and I am so happy that I think the twitch that took up residence under my left eye is finally ready to leave me. I actually have begun reading blogs again on my google reader! Hurray! And my google reader no longer says 1000+!!! It now says 498! Woo hooooo! So much progress. So much relief. So much joy.

Yesterday Angus asked me if I would take her outside to ride her scooter. I said yes without hesitation. Angus actually did a doubletake and said "Mom, you really are done with school, huh!" Oh yes I am.

So the first thing I got to do is pick a winner of my birthday contest. And the winner with the best comment has got to be Bernita Harris because -

Bernita said...

Happy Birthday, Ello! Too bad about the dust and the noise ( but it will be so nice when they've finished.) I've has a strong desire for Monako red bean paste cookies ever since I read about them in a story. The dried squid sound good too.

The only reason I can offer up as to why I should be chosen to win is that I've just sold my novel...

Congratulations, Bernita for not only winning the first ever Ello goodie basket but for selling your novel! And BTW, this is a novel I've been dying to read ever since I read her short story with the same MC. I can't wait!!!

Ok - the second winner was chosen by random drawing for everyone who commented and extra votes for those who advertised for me. We did it the old fashioned way because I told Oldest that she could pull the winner, which started a fight with Angus and Youngest because they both wanted to pick winners also. So I bribed them with some panda cookies and they went off to stuff as many of them in their mouths as they could before Oldest would be done. Poor Oldest.

So we wrote out 39 numbers and cut them up and gave a number to everyone that entered and then we put it in my Yankees hat and Oldest pulled out the number ... 19 - which is... Carrie Harris!!!! Ha ha! She most definitely will get the dried squid, no doubt about it! Thanks to Oldest for her help and for losing out on the panda cookies. She will definitely be getting a box or 2 all to herself since she also did a fabulous job on her interview the other day with R.L. LaFevers. If you haven't checked it out, please do.

Congratulations to the winners, who will have to email me their addresses and also can tell me if they have some things they are particularly interested in and not interested in - which I shall take under advisement. he he. And since they both have blogs, I would love to have them post up their thoughts on their basket of goodies after they've sampled it.

Thanks to everyone for commenting and we will definitely have to do this contest again because I need to spread the dried squid love!

Interview with R.L. LaFevers - Creator of the Great Theodosia!

Hi everyone! It's me, Summer, or Oldest as my Mom likes to call me. It's been a long time since I got to do an interview for my Mom's blog. I've been bugging her about letting me do another one, but she'd say ok, and then she'd forget. Like all the time. But I am good at reminding people about things. Especially when I really want it. Mom calls it nagging, but I object to that word.

But she finally asked if I wanted to do an interview and with who. Well, not that long ago, Mom won an ARC for THEODOSIA AND THE EYES OF HORUS, and when I saw that Ms. LaFevers signed it for my Mom, I was jealous. I was the one that read both Theodosia and the Serpents of Chaos as well as Theodosia and the Staff of Osiris. I was the one that loved Theodosia! How come she got the signed copy? So I made Mom feel guilty and asked her if I could do an author interview with Ms. LaFevers because as you can tell, I LOVE the Theodosia books. Why? Cause they're awesome and different. Ms. LaFevers writes about Egyptian mythology which is super cool cause it's got curses, mummies, magic and dead people! So cool!

So here is a super awesome interview with the author of the Theodosia series, Ms. R.L. LaFevers!

Summer: Hi Ms. LaFevers! Thank you so much for letting me interview you. My first question is why did you use Egyptian mythology instead of Greek Mythology?

R.L. LaFevers: Thanks so much for letting me visit your blog, Summer. When it was time to begin a new book, I knew I wanted it to have a fantasy element that I hadn’t seen in a lot of other books. Personally, I love all sorts of fantasy elements—dragons, wizards, witches, Greek mythology, Roman mythology, werewolves, and vampires—but I wanted my book to use something a little different, a little unique. So I cast my mind back to when I was eleven and really tried to remember what sorts of things fascinated me and weren’t already being used by other authors. The magic of ancient Egypt was the first thing on that list.

Summer: What inspired you to write these books?

R.L. LaFevers: I really wanted to write a big action adventure fantasy that starred a GIRL front and center. I didn’t want her to be the main character’s best friend, or sister, I wanted her to BE the main character.

Summer: I like how Theodosia is very responsible and kind and brave, what gave you the idea of her and the other characters? Does Theodosia, the character relate to you in any way?

R.L. LaFevers: Oh I’m so glad you thought Theodosia was kind! I think of her as slightly socially awkward since she’s been around so few other kids, but with a great big heart that wants to do the right thing and be nice to people. The brave part just happens; since she’s the only person who can see the curses and magic, to her it makes sense that she is the one who has to deal with them.

I wanted to write a character with both strengths and weaknesses, and then I wanted to show how sometimes, it is our very weaknesses that can end up being our strengths. So while Theo gets in trouble from her parents for being too sensitive or having too much imagination, it is also the very thing that allows her to save the day. I think that happens a lot in real life, actually, our weaknesses can sometimes end up being our best qualities, if we learn how to manage them.

There is a lot of me in Theodosia, although I didn’t plan it that way. That sort of just happens sometimes. I, too, was hyper sensitive as a kid, always sensing things the adults around me didn’t seem to notice. I was also very responsible. My parents were divorced and I had a lot of brothers (at one time, I had seven!) so I ended up being a sort of second parent to a lot of them, and I helped my mother take care of things. Plus, with so many kids and so much to juggle, my mother was preoccupied a lot of the time, so I knew what it was like to have preoccupied parents.

Summer: My Mom says I am very responsible also! I help a lot with my little sisters, although they don't always appreciate me. You say that there is a lot of you in Theodosia. So would you be like Theodosia if you switched places with her?

R.L. LaFevers: Absolutely. Although she might be a teensy bit braver than I am. And since I’ve had so many more brothers than she has, AND I had two sons, I would probably be a little more understanding of Henry.

Summer: Why did you choose the 1800’s time period and the setting of England?

R.L. LaFevers: Oo! Good question. Because the book was going to concentrate on Egyptian magic and ancient artifacts, I wanted to set the book during the heyday of Egyptology—which was the late 1800’s and early 1900’s. That was also a time when there were a lot of secret societies scuttling about, trying to learn all they could about ancient mysteries. Since the Theodosia books involved both, it seemed the logical choice.

As for England, well, I wanted to model the Museum of Legends and Antiquities on the British Museum, plus many of the great finds in Egyptology were being made by the British—or at least some of the more notorious ones. Also, England itself has an awful lot of Egyptian artifacts that have been brought over from Egypt over the centuries, like Cleopatra’s Needle, for example. It made sense that if there was going to be an organization like the Brotherhood of the Chosen Keepers whose mission was to keep an eye on cursed artifacts, they would be centered where so many of the artifacts ended up: London.

Summer: Well I especially liked how Awi Bubu had magical Egyptian powers. It was so cool! What inspired you to make his character?

R.L. LaFevers: I began realizing that since I had all this Egyptian magic in the books, and people using ancient Egyptian magic, that I needed to include those who had never stopped using it in the first place! A very secretive, elusive cadre of Egyptians who’d never let the ancient wisdom and practices die out.

I also needed him to be in London, where Theo could run into him. So I brainstormed from there, playing with different scenarios that would bring that bring someone with his particular skill set and background to London.

Plus there had to be someone in the books who knew more than Theodosia did!

Summer: When I am writing, I have a hard time coming up with names myself for my characters. But you have great names in your books. Snuffles, Fagenbush, Kimosiri, Awi Bubu. How did you come up with them?

R.L. LaFevers: I’m so glad you like all the names! I actually collect names, from real life, from books I read, from the credits on TV. I have notebooks and notebooks full of names. I really like the name to serve the story—not just be something to call a character. I think names can do a good job of hinting at the character’s personality, or being something they have to overcome, or something they will never live up to. Names are a lot of fun.

Theodosia’s last name was originally going to be Wicketts. As you know, oftentimes the only thing she can find to eat are jam sandwiches, so I thought I could do a fun riff on Sticky Wicketts, an old British saying. However, that quickly grew too heavy handed and cumbersome, so I tossed the idea out.

Awi Bubu is a combination of a couple of real Egyptian names I found in my research. Awi mean glory and Bubu means to shed light. It’s a bit of a hint, really.

Summer: So did you do a lot of research? What is your research process like? Do you use the public library and the internet? Do you like research?

R.L. LaFevers: I pretty much adore research. I have ever since I was little. I love walking into libraries and museums and feeling all that ancient knowledge sitting on the shelves, right at my fingertips.

My actual research process is kind of all over the place. I do some background research first, the stuff I’ll need to know to understand what sort of setting I’ll be creating for the book, what the constraints are, how it differs from our world, that sort of thing.

Since I’d never been to London, I needed to study that city and look at pictures and maps—but not just today’s pictures and maps, but those of a hundred years ago. The internet proved invaluable!

After I understood the historical time and place, the next thing I needed to do was to build Theo’s museum in my mind, and for that I used the internet to find all sorts of historical information, illustrations, and photographs of the British Museum. Again, the internet was a life saver! I found pictures of old buildings, Edwardian street scenes that showed early automobiles sharing the road with horses and buggies, old clothing, alleyways.

I also had to research ancient Egypt, archaeology, Egyptian funerary practices, mummies, mummification, ancient Egyptian magic rituals, secret societies. The list goes on and on! If it’s in the Theo books, I researched it in some way!

Summer: You're just like my Mom! She's always doing research also. She says research is so important for a writer, but I always thought she was just tricking me to study or something. But research into Egyptian mythology would be pretty cool. Especially the curses. So, do you think curses are real?

R.L. LaFevers: Oh wow, tough question! Let me see. I think negative energy is very real, whether its wishing someone harm or putting hate into the world. Our brains are so vastly complex and little understood. A large part of our brain is busy doing things we aren’t even aware of, and if we put out negative energy or walk through a cloud of it, it seems possible to me that it could affect the unconscious part of our brains.

Also, Carl Jung talked about the universal unconscious, which is basically the part of our mind that sees and perceives things our conscious minds aren’t even aware of. I can’t help but wonder if that is in some way tied to curses and negative energy.

I do know that when I have been near some ancient artifacts, they have a different feel to them than something new. Whether it is just a patina of all those who have ever held or used the artifact, or my own vivid imagination, I will probably never know. Do you think curses are real?

Summer: I believe that evil does exist but not curses. I mean you may have bad luck that may seem like a curse to you but I don't think curses really exist. All the bad luck is really just a lesson to you to teach you to do better. Like my Mom always says that karma is important. If we do good, good will come back to us. But if we do bad, bad will come back to us. (Or my Mom and Dad will punish us - which is also bad.)

So what advice do you have for me if I want to be a writer?

R.L. LaFevers: If you want to be a writer, you really need to do two things: Read and write. It really can be that simple. Although I’m guessing you want something a little more detailed than that, so here you go. These are the six key things I think a person needs to do to be a good writer. Keep in mind, though, that these are just one person’s opinion.

Persistence: Which is just a fancy word for stubbornness, you need to keep trying and keep learning and never give up. If you love something, and you never give up, you never fail. Even if you never get published, if you love writing and you make time to do it, you will have had the joy of writing. All the published writers I know are the people who simply never gave up.

Live: In order to have things to write about, we need to embrace life. In order to write an interesting, rich, exciting story, we must have experienced some interesting, rich, exciting things. We must get out there and experience life, do stuff, make friends, perhaps an enemy or two (by accident, of course!) It’s okay to do these things badly, no one says you have to be great at everything you try. But do try stuff, collect experiences like you would sea shells or interesting rocks or Transformers.

Respect your own creative process: The truth is, there are many different approaches to creativity. Each writer and artist and musician does things a little differently. And while it’s interesting to learn about new ways to try things, it’s also important to respect how YOU do it. So while it’s also okay to experiment with different approaches and processes, , especially when you’re just learning, don’t ever think your way isn’t as good as someone else’s.

Be brave: The very best writers tell the TRUTH. It might be dressed up as a story, even a fantasy, but the best stories show us something that is TRUE. And it takes COURAGE to tell the truth. Not everyone likes to hear the truth. Sometimes saying what is true can get you in trouble or cause some people not to like you. But as writers we need to be brave enough to tell the truth.

Be Passionate:. We must write about things that we care a LOT about. What are those things that are important to you? What moves you to tears? What makes you laugh? What makes you furious? What terrifies you? These are the things that you are passionate about and should be at the heart of your writing.

Embrace Your Secret Weapon: Which is your wild and crazy self. It’s that part of yourself that might get you in trouble most often, or that you’re most embarrassed about. It is that piece of you that is wholly uniquely different from anybody else. Perhaps you are angry, sassy, a smart aleck, shy, quiet, a doodler, class clown, tell tall tales, too much imagination

But here’s something I truly believe: Our weaknesses are also our strengths. We just have to learn how to use them in the right way. One of our most important jobs in life is to embrace our quirks and our weaknesses and, even more important, learn how to turn them into strengths.

Summer: Wow! That is awesome advice. Thanks for sharing that with me. And thanks for writing this awesome, super cool series that I want the whole world to read!

R.L. LaFevers: Thank you so much for having me, Summer! And good luck with your own writing!

Summer: So that's my awesome new interview and I have even more super cool news! I get to interview Ms. LaFevers again for The Enchanted Inkpot on June 9th for her the second book in her new series The Beastologist!!!! And she sent me both books and they were both signed to me!!! I am already reading the first book and it is awesomeness!

Oh and lastly, my Mom said that I get to choose the winner of her gift basket prizes. And this is your last chance to win squid or seaweed or other weirdness. And if you leave a comment here, I get to include you for the raffle! So please leave a comment! I love reading comments. Bye for now!

Post Office Pissing Contest

As all writers know, the querying process is damn hard. But the fact that most agents take email submissions has made querying easier, at least physically. However there are still some great agents out there who, though they might accept email queries, prefer to receive a hard copy of the manuscript. And that is fine and perfectly understandable.

So I had to send a hard copy of my MS, with a synopsis, to a requesting agent yesterday. I was a bit behind because, as all writers know, writing a synopsis is damn hard. And what with the contractors in my house, end of semester final grading, and the normal bitching and whining I like to do, the synopsis took a little longer than it should. But I finally finished it. Printed out my materials and ran off to the post office.

I don't go to the post office often. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year at most. But usually I don't have a bad experience, even if there is a long wait, like during the whole month of December. Usually the postal workers that I have dealt with are either very nice and friendly, or indifferent but still professional.

However, today was another story. I grabbed a padded envelope, which I knew would cost me $1.50 and got on line. When I reach the window, the postal worker takes my envelope and asks me if I would like to overnight it for $15.99. I say No, thank you. She then asks me if I want to priority mail it for $4.90. As I mull it over, she then asks me if I want confirmation for $.80 or something else for double the price. I agree to the confirmation and then she starts pushing me on the priority mail again. I don't think I need it. The agent's office is in Washington, DC, so it is local for me. But finally, I agree after she keeps reminding me how long regular mail can take. I ask her if I have to switch envelopes to the priority one instead. She says no, this envelope is fine. But then she points out that I have used a padded envelope and adds it to the bill which is now over $9.00!! I point out that priority envelopes are free. She states that since I didn't use a priority envelope I would be charged for the one I used. I then say, "but you are the one that pushed me to upgrade to priority. I didn't even want it."

She then says "I don't care about anything you have to say or the excuses you want to make. I don't care. You are going to pay for the envelope."

"Ok, fine," I agree. "But I don't want Priority."

She then had the audacity to get mad at me. Finally she grudgingly removes all the priority stickers and I pay my $5.00 bill and leave.

I feel like I went to buy a used car, not mail a package at the post office. Since when did the post office start pushing upgrades like car salesmen? It was extremely uncomfortable and awkward and I was quite shocked at the woman's behavior. In retrospect, I probably would have been better off with priority mail in the first place. But I'd rather have learned my lesson by myself instead of having it so rudely foisted on me by the postal worker.

Ironically enough, I will have to go back to the post office when I pull a winner for my contest. But the contest is still open for now. I've got 2 prizes and not enough entries! So the contest will be open for one more week. So leave a comment and win a prize. I mean dried squid, salted seaweed, chocolate covered phallic symbols, who doesn't want to win this? And if I could figure out how to mail octopus ice cream, I totally would do it!

But I think I want to go back and bring that nice postal worker a present. Something yummy. Ah yes, I will leave her a little stinky surprise.

This is natto, Japanese fermented soybeans that is mixed with a raw egg over steaming hot white rice. And it is NASTY. My parents used to eat this stuff all the time. I think it is how I developed such a strong gag reflex. Let's just say that the a football locker room filled with stinky, sweaty, players after a particularly grueling game, will smell like roses next to a bowl of this stuff. The odor alone will burn off your eyebrows and your eyelashes and you will want to cut your nose off your face to stop the horrendous smell. And the slimey, gooey, repulsive, vomit inducing taste of it! What a great present. I think I'll get a box of this and leave it for my new postal worker friend. I bet she'll get a real kick out of it. In fact, I'll put it in a priority envelope and mail it to her. Cause I'm considerate that way.

Contest continued

Thanks to everyone who has commented and also wished me a happy birthday. It was a tiring week and the house fixing continued today. Unfortunately, it looks like I have to wait for one more thing to get done before life goes back to normal. But boy, you never know how much crap you have until you try to pack it all away. I don't think I had a free moment that wasn't filled with boxing, wrapping, folding, cleaning, taping, moving or dusting. I'm exhausted.

So I have decided to continue my contest because I'm still waiting for that one funny comment that makes me snort diet coke out my nose. Some have gotten close, but not quite spaghetti noodle dangling out the nostril funny...yet. In an effort to increase the funny, I'm expanding ideas of what can go in my goodie box, like:

These cookies have a chestnut filling that is quite sweet and good. The outside is soft and sort of like a pancake. I can't always find them at the store, but if they are there, I'll add them cause they are yummy.


Pickled garlic. Oh yeah, delish. Course you gotta like garlic. Whatever pickling process they use actually mellows out the intensity of the garlic. Plus they don't smell like raw garlic. They don't smell like roses either, but they aren't nearly as bad as eating a lot of dishes with lots of garlic in them.

This was my favorite thing when I was younger and is my kids favorite also. It's Yakult - a yogurt drink that is hard to describe but delicious to drink. Usually you freeze it and then you let it thaw out so you can drink it. But I never could wait and I'd be gnawing all over the plastic trying to get the sweet icy drink out into my mouth. But when it is icy cold and ready to drink, it is so good!

So come on people! Be adventurous! Try for the goodie box! Let's get some more entries, shall we? The challenge is to make me laugh so hard I'd snort a spaghetti noodle through my nose (if I were eating spaghetti). Who can do it? Who will reign supreme?

Birthday Contest!

I'm supposed to be enjoying my birthday, but instead, I'm trapped in my house as the contractors rip it apart and expose me to dust, chemicals, fumes and possibly worse. And I have to go teach for 6 hours straight later this afternoon. So it ain't looking good for my birthday.

How can I salvage the day? I can't drink anymore because my Acid Reflux believes that alcohol is the devil and must be purged at all costs. The last stomach wrenching session taught me my lesson and I shall never doubt Acid Reflux again. And since I can't leave the house, I can't go eat. And no one can come over because the house is like a demolition zone.

Well in order to make myself feel better, I decided to hold a contest. But what kind of contest? That is the question. Everyone gives away gift cards and books. But I was thinking of something my buddy Pacatrue did. When I won the March madness pool last year (or was it the year before?) he sent me a goodie box filled with Hawaiian treats - of which the best was this awesome dessert he made himself. Well, I'm not making any treats. This is, after all, supposed to be a good prize, not a bad one. So I'll save your stomach's from my trying to bake anything. But I can offer up a goodie box of different and interesting treats from my local Asian supermarket that some of you might not be familiar with. Such as this or this. What? Not interested? All right. how about this instead?

No, that's not a phallic symbol! That's a chocolate covered cookie and it is delicious! Below are some of the kind you can dip into a chocolate or strawberry cream. I like to lick the cream out with my tongue.



But my favorite cookie is this one:

They have a soft chocolate center. What's not to like?

Almost everyone has eaten ramen noodles at some point in their life, right? Ah those good old poor student days, eating ramen every day and desperately trying to think of creative ways to choke down the same old noodles. Now if only Ramenbox had been available to me back then, I think I would have been a better student! And here you thought ramen only came in oodles of noodles flavor. Think again. What about a spicy Korean ramen noodle called Shin Ramen? Eat at your peril! Too spicy for you? How about a miso flavored ramen? Or a green tea flavored one?

Ramen will make you thirsty. I bet a lot of you have never had this Korean drink sensation. It's called sac sac and it comes in a variety of flavors - but the only ones I like is orange and grape. They come with little pulpy pieces of the fruit with the drink and they are delicious. But be warned, eating the peeled whole grapes in the grape drink does have the consistency of eating eyeballs and are not for the squeamish.


Ok, since this is my birthday contest, I have to include my Mother's favorite snack because she did bring me into this world. So here it is, a bag of shrimp flavored crackers.

Personally, I think they taste like salty shrimpy styrofoam chips but this might be just me as my kids love these things too. But then again my kids will eat anything that has enough salt on it. Like the next item on our list. Dried, roasted, salted seaweed:

This is not only tasty, it is really good for you. No Korean household is complete without a pack of this stuff. Make some fresh, hot rice and open up a pack of kim (roasted seaweed). They are thin like paper and come in sheets. You cut it to the size you want. Then you wrap a square of it around a little hot rice and enjoy!

Here's one more of my Mom's favorite snacks. It's a weird Japanese cookie called a Monako, and it is filled with sweet red bean paste. This one I sort of like and sort of hate. The inside part is good and I like the sweet red bean taste of the jelly, but the outside part is really flaky and drives me crazy cause the flaky part sticks to your lips and the inside of your mouth and no matter how much you scrape at it with your tongue it doesn't want to come out, ever. But again, this might be an "Ello is weird thing" and not a "Mom is weird thing" as this is a very popular cookie.

Last but not least, I shall include my Dad's favorite treat before his dentures made it impossible to enjoy. Dried squid. Don't they look so good?

I can see some of you cringing already. You probably won't believe me when I say it tastes good. But if you like beef jerky, there's no reason you shouldn't like dried squid. Seems like the same concept to me and they both leave your hands stinky for hours. Ok I admit it. I hate beef jerky. But I guess if you grow up eating dried squid you've gotta grow to like it. Even my kids love the stuff. But what I give them doesn't look like the picture above. No way. If I gave my kids something that looked like that they would call the police and have me taken away for child abuse. No, like beef jerky, the dried squid we buy looks like this:

See? So they eat strips of white chewy jerky that tastes like squid. Yeah, I know. Still gross, huh? I can always include a can of bundegi instead. he he. But then again, some, all or none of these might show up in the goodie box. It could be a total surprise! That's the fun of it.

So what are the rules to the contest? Simple, first of all, you must be a buddy of the blog. See the box on the sidebar called Buddies? Just click on the follow box and that takes care of step 1. If you are already a buddy, then skip step 1. The second step is to comment here on which of these taste sensations you would be most interested to partake in and why. Or if you feel that a certain Asian treat should be included in the goodie box, please make a recommendation for me to consider. Either of these comments should also include a statement as to why you should be chosen to win. The one with the best comment will win a goodie birthday box from me.

The goal of the contest is to increase my buddies from the current 129- hey, what happened to a buddy? Who left me? What'd I do? (mope) Ok, the goal is to increase my buddies from 128. So to that end, I shall include a second prize. For those of you who are not feeling so brave, the second prize will be a choice of a $25 gift card to Amazon or a goodie box like above. This one will be a random drawing. If you are a buddy and you leave a comment on this post, you will be automatically entered to win. If you link the contest to your blog or tweet or facebook it, you will double your chances in the lottery. Just make sure you comment here and let me know you've promoted me and I'll enter you as often as you promote me!

So there you have it! A celebration of Ello/Earth Day with your comments providing me with free entertainment in my shut-in birthday day. Let the mayhem begin!

Random Funny Things My Mom Says - Part 6

So my folks came down to visit and have an early celebration for Oldest and me as our birthdays are a week apart. My Mom, who tends to lack any kind of discretion and is about as subtle as a gorilla in a china factory, has switched tactics and has been trying to be subtle about the fact that she perceives me to be overweight.

She says things like:

"You don't have to go on a diet, you just need to stop eating."

"You're not fat, you just need to move around all the time. Like now. Stop eating and start running, jumping, jogging. Now! Right now! Get up!"

So she and my dad came down to visit, but stayed at my sister's house in Virginia because our house is undergoing "insurance covered snow storm damage repairs." Yes the snow from over 3 months ago. Don't even get me started on that.

Anyway, we go over to have dinner and my Mom gives me an early birthday present. First she hands me a large pink envelope and then a large manila envelope folded over. She then asks me not to open the folder until I get home. When I get home, first I open the manila envelope (apparently she'd run out of wrapping paper) and pulled out this little handy dandy book:

I open it and guess what's inside?

Then I open the large very pink envelope and pull out this lovely card:

When I open the card, another surprise:

Anybody else getting the feeling that I'm being bribed to lose weight?

OK guys! Since Ello's day is also Earth Day, I'm going to have a little contest and give out some prizes in celebration for it being mine and the Earth's Days - because we are both very special and share things that are big and round. So stay tuned as I come up with interesting prizes for people to try for later this week!

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 40

We went out to dinner at a very nice, very fancy restaurant. The kids oooohed and ahhhhed over the place. The chandeliers were a fancy bubble like pattern. They used cloth napkins instead of paper. They had fancy leather padded chairs and the staff wore ties. But it wasn't until the bathrooms that the kids really got excited. Burnished brass fixtures in a marble bathroom with wicker baskets, perfumed soap, and even mouthwash.

Angus announced to the whole restaurant that she'd never been in such a fancy bathroom before.

Unfortunately, the kids did not like their overly priced dinner. Some fancy schmancy attempt at gourmet pizza for kids with a Mediterranean twist that none of them liked. Youngest announced that it smelled like cat food. Angus just ate the bread. Oldest ate Da Man's food instead.

As we got up from our table and began the long trek through the restaurant to the door, the kids start to complain about their dinner.

Youngest - I'm still hungry.

Me - You should have ate more at dinner.

Youngest - But I didn't like it!

Me - Too bad.

Youngest (to her sisters) - This place is disappointing. The food is not as good as its bathroom.

Ironically, their favorite restaurants are these hole in the wall places with fabulous food and bathrooms you wouldn't catch me dead in. So is there a correlation? I don't want to even think about it.

When they were little

I was going through my files on my computer and found this old clip of Angus singing with Oldest acting goofy in the background. I think they were 3 and 5. Youngest isn't on screen but you can hear her chattering behind the camera. I can't believe how fast time flies. Oldest is only 2 inches shorter than me and Angus is catching up fast. Youngest is now in kindergarten and I don't have babies anymore. I'm so happy to see them grow and yet so sad that they aren't so little anymore. It's a bittersweet moment.

Random Funny Things My Mom Says - Part 5

By special request - another Mother story.

One day my Mom and I were having lunch when she keeps staring at my chin.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I see a double chin," Mom said. "You'd better start exercising again." Visions of jumping in the air and smacking myself on the chin fleeted through my head.

"I am dieting, I gave up donuts," I said.

"But not brownies, cookies, chocolate, or cupcakes," she said as she pointed to my pantry. "Double is bad. Double chin, double belly, double self. Everything double is bad."

"You're exaggerating..."

"I'm not! Double patties, double chocolate, double by-pass heart surgery, double trouble. See? Everything double is bad. One day your husband will look at you and think, hmmm, I need a new wife. That would be double wife. That's bad."

"That's not fair, he's got a bit of a double chin too!"

She nodded sagely. "Double standard. I told you everything double is bad."

Damn, she's good.

Random Funny Things My Mom Says - Part 4

Last time my Mom was visiting, I walked in on her in the living room acting strangely. She was reaching up high with one arm and jumping in the air. As she landed, she'd smack herself on the head and continue to reach and jump. After 10 jumping head smacks she switched arms and did it 1o more times.

So I had to ask her.

"Mom, what are you doing?"

"I'm exercising," she said as she moves on to her 30th jump smack.

"But why are you jumping and hitting yourself?"

"I am reaching high and jumping to stretch out my stomach because I ate too much today. And I'm hitting myself on the head to remind myself not to eat too much again." She doesn't even stop as she explains this to me. "If you do this too, you would stop eating all those sweets right away."

"If I did that everytime I ate something bad I'd be in a coma," I said.

"That's why it works," she insisted.

"Ok, have fun," I said as I quickly ran away.

And people wonder why I'm crazy.

Coddling Mediocrity?

Recently Angus had a basketball game that didn't go so well. Da Man is coaching her and it is her first season with players who had never played before either. So it is a newbie third grade team. They played a team that had been playing since kindergarten. It was a massacre. The final score must have been 45 to 12 or something painful like that. During halftime, the scorekeepers in an act of mercy wiped the scorecard clean and kept tally privately instead. It was in the second half that Angus and her teammates got a little bit livelier and scored 12 points. The scorekeepers put the 12 up but kept the other teams score at 0, which surprised me and ended up confusing our players.

The coach for the other team, a really lovely and gracious coach, kept calling out to her players to let our team take shots. Plus overall, I thought her players showed excellent good sportsmanship. I applaud coaches like her, and Da Man, - they are few and far between.

But the reason for the story is afterward, Angus came over and said "Did you see Mom? We got 12 and the other team didn't get any points in that second half!"

I corrected her and told her that the other team had actually scored also, but the scorekeepers hadn't added it to the scoreboard. Angus was disappointed.

Another mother overheard me and admonished me. "You shouldn't have told her that. Let her believe that they did well."

I was a bit surprised. "But they did do well. And I'm not going to lie to her."

"You're a bit too harsh," the other mother said. "I would have just let her believe it so she still feels good about it. Now you've made her depressed."

I made a non-committal response and left but I thought about this for a long time. Did I do wrong? Should I have let Angus continue to believe that they had dominated the other team and kept them to 0 points when in fact the other team had outscored them again in both halves?

My gut screams no. First because it is dishonest. But secondly, because I believe this is a form of coddling that I just can't agree to. It's like giving awards to every team that plays, even if they didn't win. Personally, I think it is bull, but I can live with it. I'm of the old fashioned viewpoint that if you win, you get an award, and if you lose you get a hug and you go out to buy ice cream as a consolation prize. I applaud effort and I believe it is important to encourage effort, but don't reward it because then I feel you are just pushing for mediocrity. A sense of "well I tried and that's good enough." Yes and No. Try, and keep trying, and maybe one day you will succeed. And when you succeed, you'll be rewarded. That's life. To teach our kids any differently is to set them up for enumerable heartache.

But maybe I'm wrong. I'd love to hear other people's opinion.

Tu Books!!

Hey guys, I admit that I am not a good blogger lately. I feel that it is the lack of donuts that is causing me to be such a poor internet presence these days. I am just so weak these days. But I do have a bit of a scoop that I want to share with you. I have an interview up with the fabulous Stacy Whitman, editor extraordinaire, founder of Tu Books, an independent press focusing on multicultural fantasy and science fiction for middle grade and young adult readers, over at the Enchanted Inkpot. Tu Books has now been acquired by Lee and Low Books!

I'm really proud of Stacy. She started an independent press because she saw a need in the marketplace for multicultural books for children. She started it against all odds, willing to make lots of sacrifices to make it work, and now all her hard work has paid off and Tu Books is now an imprint and Stacy is the Editorial Director! Instead of just 2 books the first year, she hopes to publish 6 titles in 2011!

So please check out the interview and let me know what you think of this new publishing endeavor.

Donut Withdrawal = Cupcake Heaven

Since giving up donuts for Lent, I've found myself craving sweets like a Pavlovian dog hearing a constantly ringing bell. I go to bed thinking of sweets, I sleep and dream of sweets, and I wake up craving them. There has been only one thing that has satisfied my sweet addiction. And that is a red velvet cupcake from Georgetown Cupcakes.


So luscious, so sweet, so decadent, so creamy, so drool slobbering, fever inducing good. If I had to choose between a red velvet cupcake and a date with Clive Owen, I'd slide tackle Clive aside in my rush to cram the cream cheese icing into my mouth. I'd run over Hugh Jackman, shove Brad Pitt, and stampede over Johnny Depp. Errrrr, wait a second. Rewind. Who in their right mind would choose a cupcake over Johnny Depp? Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Sorry Johnny. I gotta go with the cupcake.

FYI, if you are in the DC area and you are near a Georgetown Cupcakes, then follow them on twitter here because everyday they have a secret cupcake flavor. They make about a 100 of them. Once they tweet the secret flavor, rush over to your local Georgetown Cupcake, tell them the secret favor and you get that cupcake for free, no purchase necessary. But why would you go to a Georgetown Cupcake and not buy a red velvet? That's kind of like sacrilege you know.