So sick...

The other day Angus woke up and promptly vomited. Seven hours later, so did I. I'm so glad I raised my children to share everything.

The last 24 hours has been difficult to say the least. And I'm inundated with papers and proposals to grade, even though I feel as fresh as a dried up cow turd and my insides are quivering like half set jello.

The contest is still going on til Saturday. But we also have some great news. Stephen Parrish, has just landed himself a book deal!!! Congratulations Stephen!

So sorry that I will not be making the rounds! But please come by this weekend when Cindy and I announce the winners of the contest. And please pray for me that I don't vomit on my students during their final presentations.

Interview with Cindy on the Enchanted Inkpot

So the contest is still going on. You have until Saturday to get your entries in. And I gotta say - WOW to all those who've participated! Thanks to you all for linking up sending new people and spreading the word for Cindy's book! And amazing poetry entries everyone!

And since today is Cindy's official book launch day, I would like to point you over to the Enchanted Inkpot where Cindy has graciously agreed to be interviewed... for the 100th time of course!

Keep your entries rolling in on the post below and Good luck everyone!

Also Cindy has another awesome contest on her own blog for her original artwork! I'm way excited about that but was torn about linking here as I would like to win the artwork for my own greedy self. But I'll be a good sport and link it here. Good luck to me!

And I couldn't leave well enough alone. I have to throw up this funny clip because you have to understand that in this very same situation, I would be the guy laughing in the face of death.

Contest to Win an Autographed Copy of the Silver Phoenix!!!

I am so excited to host a contest for the amazing Cindy Pon and her debut novel The Silver Phoenix which is coming out in a few days on April 28th. If you are a Goodreads friend of mine, you should have already seen my short review. If you are not, why aren't you? But here is my teaser review:

Silver Phoenix is beyond exciting and exotic! It is original and not afraid to push the line. In Chen Yong, Cindy has created the perfect hero. One that any reader could easily fall for. But in Ai Ling, she has truly outdone herself. Ai Ling is smart, tough, funny, sweet, brave, and absolutely lovable. What I love about her character is that she is young and therefore headstrong and will make rash decisions, but she is not stupid and so even if she makes a wrong choice, she rethinks and ultimately makes the right ones. Both MCs are utterly sympathetic, which makes Silver Phoenix a captivating read, but throw in horrifying monsters and amazing legends and you've got a book that I guarantee is like none you've read before.

I loved Silver Phoenix, and I know I will not be alone. Already I have been clamoring for the sequel. I need more Chen Yong and Ai Ling!

And if that doesn't have you salivating for more, here is Cindy's AWESOME book trailer! (note - if the side of the trailer is cut off for you, click on the second button from the right to take it to full screen!)



So now on to the contest! Here are the rules:

There are two signed copies to be won as well as a few signed bookplates and bookmarks for consolation prizes which features Cindy's Chinese Brush Art. And if you have never seen Cindy's brush art, go here and be in awe of her talent!

So there are three ways to enter.

1. If you are a blogger, all you have to do is link this contest post on your blog with a short mention of the book. That's an automatic entry to win one of the copies. Come back and comment on this post to let us know your post is up.

2. If you are a nonblogger or if you don't feel like doing a post on your own blog, then another option is to tell us about a new blogger. If you know a blogger who may not know about Cindy's book or has never came by this wondrous amazing blog of mine, then simply leave them a comment on their blog inviting them to enter the contest and then leave a comment here with a link to your invite. The more new bloggers you invite and link to, the more raffle chances you get so spread the word!!!

3. For the second copy, anybody can enter simply by writing a short poem, could be a haiku, incorporating Silver Phoenix into the poem or you can write a love poem incorporating a food item. And please remember, you are trying to win the contest, so food should be delicious and unlike this. Limit for this third option is one poem per person. Winning poem will be chosen by Cindy (with my input!).

The contest will remain open until next Saturday giving everyone one whole week to enter. So remember everyone has a minimum of 3 chances to win if you enter in all 3 contest opportunities. But with number 2, you can increase the number of your raffle entries with every new invite. And don't forget, the consolation prizes are really nice too! So go spread the word and leave all entries in the comments of this blog post.

Good luck everyone!!!!!

FIRST AN ANNOUNCEMENT! Make sure you come back this Saturday for a big contest I'm having to win signed copies of Cindy Pon's amazing new debut book Silver Phoenix! Don't forget!

Soooooooo, looks like Da Man did alright for ElloEarth Day. He had a family friend (LF) come and babysit. Who, by the way, is the only person next to my sister that my girls actually want babysitting for them. Usually we get a babysitter and its all "Mommy don't go! Take us with you! You're stunting our emotional development, blah blah whine whine." But when it is LF or my sister, they try to push us out the door and tell us not to rush home. So last night it was all "Bye! Have fun! Go to Vegas! Don't come back til real late!"

We went out to a great dinner at Mortons where I proceeded to prove that I am truly a pig by eating a large steak dinner complete with chocolate souffle. Soufflay, Hoooray! Da Man could not finish his and I literally shoveled the last of his souffle into the gaping abyss that is my mouth. But all during dinner, I kept waiting for my present. Which never materialized. Puzzled we headed home where we found the kids and LF had baked us cupcakes and made us chocolate covered strawberries which I could not eat for I had transformed into a walking souffle by this point. But in the middle of the beautiful arrangement of cupcakes and strawberries, there was an old sneaker box. I opened the box and inside I found a pair of my tennis shoes - the ones I've been wearing to play tennis in every week. Before I could flip out about my dirty tennis shoes on the kitchen table, I notice that underneath the dirty sole of my shoe is this:

So even though his presentation left much to be desired, he is off the hook ... for now.

Ok so I'm putting up this video of an 11 year old Korean boy who is an absolute whiz at the guitar. How amazing is he? He only picked up the guitar a few years ago. Apparently he learns a new song in a few days and then uploads a video of himself onto youtube.



Lastly, at the Enchanted Inkpot, Cindy has interviewed Kathleen Duey, author of Skin Hunger about her new twitter novel. So check it out!

ElloEarth Day!

I always find that my luck gets better as I approach my birthday. I’m not sure why. Perhaps in part because my parents would always say “Things always get better after Ellen’s birthday.” I guess I took it to heart, but it is a charm that I’ve been happy to have.

So this week, as we approached Ello Earth Day, little things have been making my days. Like for example, I drank nearly a whole carafe of delicious sangria by myself Saturday night but did not have a hangover the next day. Oldest’s poem won a national contest and will be published in a poetry book. I broke 50 listeners on blip.fm and now have a shiny star on my picture. My two posts at the Enchanted Inkpot have been well received. I was invited to come in and speak about writing to the entire second grade at Angus’s school. The last dozen Krispy Kremes I ate went to my chest instead of my ass in a discernible difference only I can see. I dyed my hair and managed to cover all of my gray instead of leaving streaks like I usually do, or staining my ears and forehead with attractive black spots that looks like dirt for several days.

And today I went to buy a pair of jeans and the earth, in honor of ElloEarth Day, stopped revolving for the 10 minutes it took to me to try on and buy a pair of size 8 jeans. Oh my gosh. I haven’t fit into a size 8 since before Oldest was born! And for all my tall friends who remind me that size 10 is not big. Keep in mind I’m only 5’3” so fitting into an 8 is just about right for me! And I did it all on the Krispy Kreme diet! At least for today, as tomorrow I’ll put on the size 8 and my ass will burst out of the back pockets like a squashed tomato oozing out of its skin.

So today as I was driving Youngest to school, there was a torrential downpour. Then it hailed and sleeted and hailed again before another torrential downpour. But when I got out of the car to take Youngest into school, it stopped raining. Rub me, for today I am good luck. But the nicest part of ElloEarth Day has been opening my email yesterday and today and seeing the outpouring of birthday wishes I’ve received on my blog, facebook, my Enchanted Inkpot yahoo group board, and twitter. I am verclempt. I admit it. I got teary eyed. Thank you everyone. You all are so awesome!

But what about Da Man, you ask. He is not having such a good day. Last night I got mad at him. We were at the mall with the kids and he hands me his credit card and says “Why don’t you go down to the Apple store and buy yourself your birthday present.” To which I responded, “You lazy bastard. I tell you exactly what to get me and you’re too lazy to go and get it?” I should have gone down to the jewelry store and bought myself my diamond ring but I didn’t want to be embarrassed when his card gets declined so I just huffed away.

In return for his careless disregard of the power of ElloEarth Day, apparently this morning Da Man got a $100 ticket for making an illegal right turn. And the woman cop was mean to him. He was also out of gas and late for work. While he was getting gas, he got rained on with that torrential downpour I mentioned earlier that missed me. He then raced to the metro parking lot only to find that there were no more parking spaces and he had to wait around til 10:00 for one of the reserved spots to open up, making him really late for work. As he walked out of the parking lot and into the metro, he got rained upon again. He’s in a pretty foul mood today. Poor guy. But I bet none of that would have happened if only he had bought me my diamond ring, or at least had made the effort of buying my ipod nano in blue and handed it over this morning as was expected but which did not happen.Oh well, sucks to be him.

But apparently he’s hired a babysitter for tonight and is taking me out to Morton’s for a steak dinner. Red meat usually makes me happy. He may redeem himself just yet. Tune in tomorrow for the next episode of As the ElloEarth Turns.

Earth day is My day

That's right. April 22nd is my day. Apparently I have to share it with the Earth. Yeah I already share something else in common with the earth that is big and round. I guess I can share my day too. Although I would appreciate it if we referred to April 22nd from now on as Ello Earth Day to be fair. Why does it always have to be about the Earth? Sheesh. Mother Nature needs to stop being so selfish. All I hear is Earth day this and Earth day that. And what everyone has got to do for the good of the earth. And on earth day be good to the earth, blah blah blah. Enough already! I need to exert my birthday privileges. On Ello day be good to Ello.

So quick note for Da Man - Wonder what I want for my birthday? See picture below:


Note to Da Man. It's been 15 years. I am still waiting for my diamond ring. It is now at 3 carats. Every year you make me wait, I add another 1/4 of a carat. I don't care if it is so big I gotta put it on a metal chain and hoist it on my back. I don't care if it's so heavy my left hand drags on the ground. I don't care if it costs more than your car. Your car is crap anyway. I want it big and sparkly.

Please do not cut out this picture and place it in a jewelry box and give it to me. Please do not try to pass off Youngest's cubic zirconia with the expandable ring. Please do not buy me flowers wrapped in newspaper from the guy on the street corner. Please do not buy me a hallmark card that plays "Tequila." Please do not buy me sexy lingerie, unless you plan on wearing it yourself. Please do not buy me kitchen goods or other household items and pretend that they are a gift when they are clearly obvious attempts at forcing me to be a better "housewife." Please don't make me kick your ass. Please do not whine and complain about being a poor government lawyer, blah blah blah. Boo hoo. Too bad. Go sell a kidney and get me my ring. You have one day.

PS - Alright stop crying you big baby and keep your stinking kidney. Just get me an ipod nano in blue and I'll let you off the hook for now. But don't forget, our wedding anniversary is in August...

At the Inkpot and a funny commercial

I have a co-post with Deva over at The Enchanted Inkpot on gender roles in fantasy books. So I'm back begging you to go over and read and comment. Thanks to everyone who tried last time but couldn't. This time, anonymous commenting has been enabled so you can definitely comment! I may have been a little more controversial this time as I addressed the fact that Asian societies are inherently sexist and even violent towards women. So take a gander and let me know what you think.

And in the meantime, I shall leave you with this funny commercial. I can't understand a word that is being said either and doubt that they are speaking Korean. But you don't need to know what they are saying. Just watch til the end.

Do Zombies Crap?

Lately I've been on a zombie kick. I read the Forest of Hands and Teeth and 28 weeks later has been playing on HBO. And I just saw a review for Pride and Prejudice and Zombies which I gotta buy!

So last night I had a normal husband and wife conversation with Da Man about zombies. Cause in the beginning of 28 weeks later, the stupid husband abandons his wife to the zombies as he flees for his life. So I ask Da Man what he would do.

Da Man - That depends. How close is the zombie to you?

Me - You mean you'd let the zombies get me?

Da Man - (pauses) No honey. If there was a chance I could save you, I would.

Me - And if you couldn't?

Da Man - Then you be a zombie. And I run away before I have to kill you.

Me - Sheesh, the least you could do is shoot me.

Da Man gets all upset - How could I shoot you? You mean if I turned into a zombie you'd shoot me?

Me - Yep.

Da Man - You wouldn't let me live out my life as a zombie?

Me - Why would you want to be a zombie? Eating people's brains and constantly crapping your pants. Cause you know, what you eat has got to come out again and it isn't like zombies are going to be using a toilet and wet wipes.

Da Man - Only my wife would come up with that.

Me - I have to admit to being more disturbed over the idea of walking around constantly crapping my pants than the idea of eating human flesh.

Da Man - They might not crap their pants. They might have the type of physiology where everything they eat turns to energy and they have no waste product.

Me - Don't give me that. Zombies smell really bad right? Ergo - shit their pants.

Da Man - You are a sick sick woman.

Me - Look who's talking! You'd let the zombies get me.

Da Man - Well maybe if you shit your pants, you'll smell like a zombie and they won't eat you.

Me - Dude, I think anyone running away from a zombie has already crapped their pants. It's probably like musk to them.

Da Man - There's something wrong with you.

Random Funny Things My Mom says

So I was over at my folks for a short visit last week with the kids when I happened to notice that my Mom keeps watching the French channel. When I asked her why she said, "Your sister married a Frenchman, so I need to learn French."

Me - By watching the French news?

Mom - Yes, same like English. How you think I learn good English? From watching TV.

Me - Riiiiiiiight.

Later on that night, I come home to find my Mom still watching TV, but something has changed.

Me - I thought you said you was trying to learn French?

Mom - I am.

Me - Then why are you watching the Italian news?

Mom - Italian? Waaaaaaaah? No wonder I don't know what they talking about!

Me - Riiiiiiiight.

Gassy Gus

Today at the toy store, Oldest and I found the perfect present for Angus.

Apparently your supposed to feed Gus all sorts of gassy foods like broccoli and baked beans and pump up his belly. At a certain point, he lets out a humongous stinky fart (not sure if smell is included). The first person to feed all their food to Gus without him farting wins.

Although technically we don't need this game to have a gassy blast. Angus provides us with all the gassy entertainment we need. And at $30.00 bucks, our version is cheaper, but stinkier.

Random Funny Things My Kids say - Part 28

The other day the girls were joking around when Angus presses her nose up and says "Who am I?" The girls laugh and Oldest shouts out "Oh my gosh, you look just like _____ from tae kwon do!"

I immediately chide them for making fun of another person, reminding them that making fun of things a person can't change is mean and rude.

"I'm not making fun of her, Mommy!" Angus states. "I'm just making a connection. A connection between a pig nose and her nose. That's all. It's just making connections! What's so mean about that?"

"You know you are being really mean, now stop it."

Angus pauses. "But I'm not. For example, I noticed you ate sour cream and onion potato chips and now your breath is stinky. I am not being mean. I'm just making a connection between your stinky breath and the potato chips!"

That's one mean smart girl.

Fantasy in Asia

Today I'm camped out over at the Enchanted Inkpot hoping for some discussion about my post on "Fantasy in Asia." So please please PLEASE will you go here and make some sort of comment even if it is to yell at me for posting such a long ass post? Even if all you do is tell me I bored you to tears? But it would be even better if you could share your opinions on the very interesting subject matter, but beggars can't be choosers.

So Ima beggin' ya, please go and comment. And if you do, I will reward you all! There will be a contest coming soon to win an awesome prize at the end of the month just for commenting... Ok this is a lie, I was going to have a contest anyway to raffle off 2 signed copies of Cindy Pon's new book (how awesome am I? and how awesome is Cindy?). But it would really mean a lot to me if I had lots and lots of wonderful comments over at the Enchanted Inkpot so that all the real published authors I'm hanging out with see that I am pretty darn useful to have around.

Alright groveling over, knuckles are cracking...

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 27

My parents were over for the weekend and were watching the kids. We had eaten dinner and the kids forgot to clear the table.

Mom: You kids have to do more to help around the house.

Oldest: We do! We clean up our rooms and put away our stuff.

Mom: No, that's just your stuff. You need to do more to help your mother.

Angus: Like what?

Mom: When your mother was little she did lots to help. She mopped the floor, set the table, made dinner, did the laundry, washed the dishes, and lots more.

The kids stare at my Mom in shock.

Angus whispers to Oldest: Poor Mommy, I'm so glad Grandma isn't our Mommy. She's mean.

Youngest: Grandma, Angus called you mean!

Angus: I meant she was mean to Mommy. Not now! You are a nice Grandma! The bestest nicest most wonderful Grandma in the whole world. (Way to work for that birthday present!) But well, you were kind of, sort of, a little bit mean to Mommy.

Youngest: Yeah like a wicked stepmother mean.

Grandma just laughs.

Angus turns to me: Did Daddy have to work like a slave for his Mommy too?

Me: No.

Oldest cuts in: He's lucky.

Me: No, it's cause he's a boy.

Oldest: Oh yeah, boys are useless.