Friday, February 29, 2008

Dream Man

Clive Owen

The other night I had a dream about my latest crush Clive Owen. We were standing on a deserted boardwalk at the beach, the winter ocean waves breaking hard against the cold sand. A chill breeze ruffling through his sexy hair pushing a stray curl across his forehead. I reached over to brush the curl away. He grabbed me up into his arms and stared deep into my eyes.

"Run away with me," he said with his sexy British drawl, "forget about everything and let's fly to Paris."

"But Paris is full of sh*t!" I replied in despair. "You know how deathly afraid I am of stepping in dog crap."

"So what, it's just semantics. We'll go to Singapore instead," Clive replied. "I hear their streets are real clean. No dog is allowed to poop there for fear of being sentenced to death. Plus they have wicked chicken and rice."

Be still my beating heart, I swooned, he is tempting me with food. In my dream, I actually looked over and saw my husband's sleeping form snoring peacefully away as the boardwalk behind me morphed partly into my bedroom at home. Da Man slept on, unknowing that his wife was contemplating running away with a sexy phantom man.

"Alas," I sighed, "I can't go for that. No-o-o No-o-o. No can do." Oh yes, I blew off the incredibly sexy Clive Owen by singing the riff from that famous Hall and Oates song, but with a sexy Indian accent. "No can do. I'm so into you. But no can do. Can't sleep with you. Sucks for you. And me too. Chicken Vindaloo. Lobster stew." Suddenly, I had turned into Dr. Seuss, and I was hungry.

He walked away disappointed, dejection clear in the way his head hung low, sorrowful brown eyes gazing back at me in defeat. His leather trenchcoat blowing with the wind as he left me. And as he began to disappear in the mist that began to form in my bedroom/boardwalk, he turned one last time in silent entreaty, I waved back despondently and hollered "NO CAN DO! I LOVE YOU! BABBALOO!" From Dr. Seuss to Ricky Ricardo. Dreams are weird.

Still in the dream, my husband wakes up all sleepy and wondering why there was mist in our bedroom and asked me "Whas sup?"

I gazed down at his sweet dopey sleepy face and said, "I just gave up Clive Owen for you, now where the hell is my god damn big ass ten year wedding anniversary diamond ring already!"*

He blinked and said, "She-e-e-et, I'm not the one who gave back a perfectly good diamond ring that fate and fortune tossed right at your feet." **

And then I woke up.

Dreams are so bizarre. I hope Johnny Depp shows up tonight. I may not be caring about a ring then.

* FYI - we've been married fourteen years and I never got a real engagement ring because he was a student at the time. As you can see, I'm still waiting.
** Never tell your husband that you found expensive jewelry only to give it back. They'll never let you forget, even in your dreams.


Anonymous said...

You are just the funniest blogger on the planet. I have to go find an award for that! Clive Owen and Johnny Depp -- AND food -- ah, the stuff my dreams are made of too ;)

Anonymous said...

Considering how important relationships are to us human beings, I sometimes think we spend too little time on them.

There are so many other things to deal with from work to children or even hobbies.

But sometimes I think that we use these other life activities to avoid the danger of subjecting our relationships to a scrutiny that would be too revealing :-)

Anonymous said...

Sorry to break it to you, but I have dibs on Clive.


Anonymous said...

I wish I had dreams like that - about, say, any of the the three main men (but not the brother) in the Mummie.

Anonymous said...

OMG! Priceless!!!! When you woke up, did you kick Da (non-dream) Man, leaving him wondering what the heck just happened?

Anonymous said...

funny, but ever since the movie 'closer' i don't like him. he was THAT good in the movie as a bad guy that i don't like him in real life...

Anonymous said...

He he he. So funny! This was great.

Thanks for commenting on my vampire story by the way. It really did give me a little boost in confidence about the story. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Ello, let me know when you dream about Javier Bardem, and I'll join you. :-O Unlike Erica, I don't mind sharing. :-)

Tell Da Man after 10 years and three beautiful kids, he'd better come across with a huge rock.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Ello, I'm wiping tears from my eyes. I think I want your life.

I know I want your dream life.

Da Man is da luckiest guy alive. ;)

Anonymous said...

LOL. Awesome dream. I especially loved the Hall and Oates

Plus, you picked your hubby in the end. How sweet. :*)

Anonymous said...

Another hilarious post. I hate to say it, or perhaps I should be glad, I have no idea who Clive Owen is and don't recognize him from this picture. I have heard of Johnny Depp, though

Anonymous said...

LOL Goodness, Ello, even in your dreams with a sexy man "poop" takes over!

May you have, sweet and cleaner dreams tonight.

Anonymous said...

You did get an engagement ring! So in keeping with the tone of your blog, I retort as follows:

I guess in this world we live
For a husband it is better to give
But no matter hard it may be to see
It's still a statement of love from me
So come winter, spring, summer. or fall
A diamond's a diamond no matter how small.

Regarding Clive and Johnny - I'd kick their butts!!

Da' Man

Anonymous said...

Da Man Rocks! You can have Clive and Johnny. I'll take Da Man!

Anonymous said...


Da Man is sweet! Poetic. Romantic.

But a Tiffany's "Celebration" ring wouldn't hurt...

Anonymous said...

I laughed out loud for that one! Hey you, Erica and my wife can fight over Clive...Da Man and I can sit back and laugh.

Anonymous said...

You gave up Clive Owen?! Woman, are you deranged?! ;-)

I hope you won't pass on Johnny when he shows up!

Anonymous said...

You are great at being Dr. Seus!!!
Now that ditty is in my head....

Anonymous said...

This is great, Ello. I have an active dream life too; just recently I met Kiefer Sutherland in a hospital, and we had an interesting chat. (I turned him down too, for what it's worth. I hope he doesn't mind too much, wherever he is.) If I ever meet Johnny Depp, I'll send him your way.

For what it's worth, I never got a diamond ring either, and we've been married almost 20 years. But my husband cooks dinner and cleans bathrooms, and in 20 years he's probably left the toilet seat up less than ten times. I'll take that over a diamond any day. Of course I would take a diamond too, but then I'd also like World Peace and my own kayak.

Have you ever entered the Erma Bombeck Essay Competition, by the way? If you haven't, you ought to!

Anonymous said...

Wow, what a dream! Babaloo I love you too!

Anonymous said...

Hi Hello Ello!
I found your blog via Vanilla's. Great stuff! Clive Owen is the man I'd be with if not my lovely, beautiful, gentle, fun boyfriend. Clive Owen is the Dream Man, I completely agree although I am yet to see him in a dream.

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