Thursday, April 16, 2009

Do Zombies Crap?

Lately I've been on a zombie kick. I read the Forest of Hands and Teeth and 28 weeks later has been playing on HBO. And I just saw a review for Pride and Prejudice and Zombies which I gotta buy!

So last night I had a normal husband and wife conversation with Da Man about zombies. Cause in the beginning of 28 weeks later, the stupid husband abandons his wife to the zombies as he flees for his life. So I ask Da Man what he would do.

Da Man - That depends. How close is the zombie to you?

Me - You mean you'd let the zombies get me?

Da Man - (pauses) No honey. If there was a chance I could save you, I would.

Me - And if you couldn't?

Da Man - Then you be a zombie. And I run away before I have to kill you.

Me - Sheesh, the least you could do is shoot me.

Da Man gets all upset - How could I shoot you? You mean if I turned into a zombie you'd shoot me?

Me - Yep.

Da Man - You wouldn't let me live out my life as a zombie?

Me - Why would you want to be a zombie? Eating people's brains and constantly crapping your pants. Cause you know, what you eat has got to come out again and it isn't like zombies are going to be using a toilet and wet wipes.

Da Man - Only my wife would come up with that.

Me - I have to admit to being more disturbed over the idea of walking around constantly crapping my pants than the idea of eating human flesh.

Da Man - They might not crap their pants. They might have the type of physiology where everything they eat turns to energy and they have no waste product.

Me - Don't give me that. Zombies smell really bad right? Ergo - shit their pants.

Da Man - You are a sick sick woman.

Me - Look who's talking! You'd let the zombies get me.

Da Man - Well maybe if you shit your pants, you'll smell like a zombie and they won't eat you.

Me - Dude, I think anyone running away from a zombie has already crapped their pants. It's probably like musk to them.

Da Man - There's something wrong with you.


Kimbra Kasch said...

I asked my husband what he'd do if a zombie came after me.

He said, "I'd have a glass of milk and some brownies."

I said, "Really, what would you do?"

He said, "I'd start playing the piano."


He said, "Zombies aren't real."

"Come on..." I plead.

"Whatever makes you happy," he's not stupid.

writtenwyrdd said...

In my zombie writings, zombies crap. I used my past experience as a military dog handler in detailing how they were kept, as well. I mean, you have to deal with dangerous animals, a zombie would be a dangerous animal, so they are kept in kennels and the keepers hose the mess out regularly.

I love your conversation, too. Our vivid What If imaginations are so puzzling to our friends and loved ones. Which is why I rarely discuss book ideas. That, and because when I do they come up with some really bad ones.

writtenwyrdd said...

Oh, I forgot tomention I have my zombies (which are used in work gangs by enterprising corporations) dressed in tunics for the same reason yours smell: They'd crap their pants. Ergo, no pants.

Blogless Troll said...


March2theSea said... good.

You need to play the game resident evil 5..its all zombies..and they scare the crap out of YOU!

Aniket Thakkar said...

You are now officially the funniest woman... correction funniest person I've ever met! (Meeting over blog counts)

I have to admit Teeth scared me more than all zombie movies combined for you-know-what reasons. Such an awful way to die.

But you know, I saw 28 weeks later, i am legend and resident Evil 4 all in the same week... and then everywhere I went i asked people... if Zombies attach this building how would you escape. They just stared at me for a minute and then ignored me. :-(

Martha Flynn said...

the best part about online contact with other writers is that reminder that i'm not crazy - in fact, i verge on normal - when it comes to random thoughts.

kim/ello - i debated asking my husband this question (as he cluelessly sleeps on next to me right now) but we're on vacation so i'll spare him this once

i think the zombie survival guide says they don't poop - eventually their guts bust out. does that make it better?

Ello - Ellen Oh said...

Kim - that's just no fun. Tell him he has to get into the spirit of things! Hypotheticals are great for the imagination! That's why you're the writer Kim!

WW - ewwww, but exactly my point!!!

Blogless sighting!!!

Todd - those games scare me! I'm kind of a wuss cause they come at you so fast.

Aniket - you need to talk to me! We could have gone on for hours! It's such an important question! Silly people ignoring it. When the zombies come they'll be sorry!

Martha - poke him awake and ask him for me. $5 says he gives you a crazy stare and ignores you. But $10 if he says I would save you even if it meant I sacrifice myself for you. and guts bursting is so much worse than continually crapping your pants. Cause one bursts out in a big massive poop explosion. The other one just goes down.

Aniket Thakkar said...

Yes, we must we must... :-)

Even now sometimes in a meeting room when my manager is explaining a new process which no one is ever going to follow for it is not of any use in the first place... I think escape strategies... Will I fit in that ventilator??

Martha Flynn said...

Ok, so as predicted, he blinked himself awake, frowned and said, "That's the stupidest question ever." Further prodding yielded that "of course" he'd try to save me and that he'd "bash my head in" rather than let me live a pooptastic zombie life (which, I guess, is romantic???). However, further attempts at dissecting zombie poop biology were ignored.

Lana Gramlich said...

Good one!

LarramieG said...

That dialogue was funnier than any sitcom on-air now! How real, yet how serious, can you get about zombies? LOL

Cate Gardner said...

Feeling a need to write a story where the zombies poop... :)

Cheryl Kauffman said...

I don't know which is more funny, this post, or the conversations your kids have about poop.

Anonymous said...

Umm . . . does the phrase "spousal privilege" mean anything to you?

On a more serious note, you gotta' admit, a zombies' life is not a bad deal.

Think about it.

1. Food - check, lots of people everywhere.

2. Sleep - check, don't need any.

3. School/work - check, see #1 above.

4. Pooping at will whereever and whenever you want . . . priceless (unless you buy into my theory in which case even better!).

Aaaaah . . . its' the zombie life for me.

Charles Gramlich said...

I sort of assumed zombies didn't crap. But I confess as to never giving it a whole lot of thought.

Steve Malley said...

I always figured the word for what they do was more like... 'leak'.


Merry Monteleone said...


You're the only person I know that would use the word, "ergo" while discussing zombies shitting their pants. :-)

By the way, I tagged you in a meme at my place... really would love to see what you have to say about being a mom.

Angie said...

LOL! You're completely whacked, but that's okay 'cause it's very entertaining. :D


Christina Farley said...

Well, at least if you were a zoombie, you'd be popular. They are all the rage now.

Kimbra Kasch said...

I read this post (or at least some of it) to my son. He asked if you were young 'cause you blog about cool things :)

Amritorupa Kanjilal said...

like Da Man said, there IS something wrong with you.
and there is something wrong with me too. i am reading this and tears are streaming down my eyes...

Amritorupa Kanjilal said...

Ello, thanks for liking my limericks. the praise meant a lot, coming from someone like you.
if you liked my blog please do become a follower. its neat to have a reader like you. already waiting for your next post.

J. L. Krueger said...

Leave it to you to get potty into a conversation about zombies! You're a hoot!

I feel DaMan's pain. :)

Whirlochre said...

The main reason zombies crap their pants is that they've never been identified by retailers as a target market for bathroom products.

Every time I visit the supermarket these days, I can't move for hordes of zombies shuffling around looking for undead-friendly toilet paper.

'Dis one's gotta picture of a cute furry cat...'

'It dead?'


'Then it ain't for us. Let's go rip some limbs, guys....'

If we can keep these murderous horrors in wipes, maybe they'll quieten down and leave us all alone.

Vivian Mahoney said...

I've never thought about zombies crapping their pants since they freak me out, but if you say it is so, better to be prepared than crapped on. Da Man so loses.

Funny post!

Akasha Savage. said...

Good made me laugh! x

Christina Farley said...

Hey girl! I nominated you for the lemonade stand award on my blog.

Kelly Polark said...

Funny post as usual! (My husband would run too, he's a scaredy cat!)

I think zombies wear Depends. ;)

Unknown said...

HAHA! I am so glad that me and my husband aren't the only one who've talked about this.

For the record--we'd both shoot each other. :)

Danette said...

OMG! This made me laugh out loud!

BTW, I just finished The Forest of Hands and Teeth and loved it. Crapping zombies and all.

Search This Blog