Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 32

I took the girls to the mall and wouldn't you know it, right as we started shopping, they all had to go to the bathroom. So I take them to the public bathroom and they do their business and everyone is out washing their hands.

A young lady walked out of a toilet stall and stands at a sink next to Angus. Only she doesn't wash her hands. She peered at her face in the mirror, smoothed her hair and then turned to walk away. Angus, who is a bit OCD, is so startled she cried out "That girl didn't wash her hands!"

Youngest immediately shrieked "YUCK!!!" which is ironic because we are always yelling at her to wash her own hands with soap when she pulls the trick of merely wetting them.

The woman hadn't gotten to the door yet and so she turned around and stomped back to the sink to wash her hands.

She glared at Angus and said "That's very rude, you know."

Angus, who has been taught not to be rude, is a bit taken aback. "I'm sorry," she said politely. "But you didn't wash your hands and that's not just rude, that's disgusting."

I'm just leaning against the wall watching the whole interaction as I tried to keep Youngest from running amok. The woman walked past me and said snidely, "You need to teach your daughter manners."

I just raised my eyebrows and said, "Looks to me like she was the one reminding you of yours."

She glared at me again and walked away. Angus looked at me with big sad puppy eyes. "I didn't mean to be rude," she said. "I thought maybe she forgot to wash her hands is all."

"That's ok, honey," I said. "You're not in trouble with me."

She looked relieved and then pulled a disgusted face. "Mommy, she was touching her face and hair all over with her pee pee hands!"

"YUCK!" Youngest shouts out again. "And what if she did number 2?"

So ladies be warned, wash your hands or hear the wrath of Angus and Youngest.

Missing Brain

Have you seen my brain? Here is an X-ray picture for identification purposes.

I appear to have misplaced it. Or maybe someone has stolen it. Or mistaken it for a cashew and eaten it. Whatever the case, I find myself brainless these days and it is making me quite tired. Apparently thinking is really hard to do without one. I think I'm due an upgrade. I would like one that doesn't have the erase memory function but includes long term retainment ability with an endless hold capacity. I'd also like to have a brain that tells me sweets is yucky and vegetables are delicious. Or one that has a working hunger On/Off switch cause mine has been defective since high school. I would like one that doesn't shrivel up and shift to the back of the head whenever I have to do a math problem and that doesn't make my eyes glaze over while reading a scholarly journal. While we are at it, can someone just go ahead and install a microchip in the brain with the full Encyclopedia Britannica set.

Due to my brainless state, I have been lying low. I'm still posting over at the Enchanted Inkpot, but the little bit of ability I have has been focused on my revisions. Which...........has..............been ..................... going............................... real......ly.................................. slow.

For the first conscious time I have marked my google reader, which was reading 1000+ and which I find very misleading because I could be at 10,000 + and all it would say is 1000+ which if you think about it is much more attainable then 10,000+ and yet how misleading of it to just say 1000+... Oi!!! Brainlessness causes massive buildup of gas in empty cavity which leads to brain farts. Sorry about that - anyhow - what I meant to say is that I was bad and deliberately marked my google reader because I was spazzing out and it made me feel better to put it to zero. And then some people who will not be named, kept insisting on posting every few minutes and bringing my counter up to over a 100 so I had to mark it all read again and step away from the computer cause I was all verclempt and all that crap. I also accidentally unfollowed a whole bunch of people and then frantically tried to follow everyone again - in full disclosure, I did the unfollowing over the course of the past couple of weeks. I'm not sure if I am following everyone I was following before. Since I was following nearly 200 blogs, there is a good chance that I missed someone. So blame the person who took my brain and just shoot me a nice email - or a bitchy one, I deserve it - and let me know I am not following you anymore. And my little piggy will hoof it over as fast as you can say......

What the hell was I just talking about anyway? Oh yeah, if any of you missed me, I'm afraid you will have to do without the little piggy for a little while longer. Brainlessness is contagious and I don't want to spread it around. So this is a public safety issue is alls I'm saying! I may be posting sporadically and visiting even less often as I try and finish off my revision. So stay away if you have to (sob) but please come back on July 1st because I have a real treat. Two copies with signed bookplates of Grace Lin's beautiful new middle grade novel Where the Mountain Meets the Moon.

The book is out July 1st but I had the pleasure of reading it early. This beautiful folksy story based in China is absolutely brilliant and a book I've read out loud to my kids. And all 3 of them adore this book. I will also have a lovely little printed picture of the main character that is autographed by Grace Lin herself, as a prize. So please come back on the 1st. Hopefully I will have a new upgraded brain working for me by then.

Missing music

Still in crisis mode. This makes me mean and nasty. Time for posting and blog reading minimal. Trying desperately instead to maximize writing time which is difficult now that the kids are out of school - which makes me meaner and nastier. So I've been loading up all my old CDs onto my new ipod. But I am missing lots of CDs. In particular my Journey, Abba and Doobie Brothers Cds. Strangely enough, Da Man passionately despises these bands.

I suspect foul play. In retaliation I have purchased a particularly treacly song that I don't even like, "Oh Sherrie" by that famous mullet man Steve Perry, which Da Man has informed me is like someone ripping open his back and poking at his central nervous system with a cattle prod. Tonight, when he is sleeping, I shall inflict psychological torture by playing "Oh Sherrie" right next to his ear all night long. If I am feeling compassionate, I shall also mix in some "Dancing Queen" and "Mamma Mia." However, if I am feeling mean, I'll mix in Abba's "Fernando" instead, because I've actually seen him turn 3 shades of green when he hears it. And I shall do this every night until he coughs up my CDs or buys me new ones. Or I might just do it cause it is plain wicked fun. I wonder what kind of dreams he'll have?

Don't hate me cause I'm evil, fear me instead.

Funny Friday Commercial

This has been a seriously difficult week for the entire Oh clan. We just seem to be going from one crisis to another. So I'll just leave you with this Korean commercial that always cracks me up. Have a nice weekend!!

Conversation with Dad

My Dad called the other day and said, "So all my friends want to know when your book is coming out."

"Me too!" I replied.

"What's taking so long?" he asked.

"I'm revising again." Yes, the never ending revision process...

"Still?! What the heck takes so long? It takes you 10 years to write a book about Korea?"

sigh.

"You'd better hurry already, all my friend's are waiting to buy your book!"

"I'm working hard on it, really I am," I said, quite peevishly. It's not like I procrastinate by surfing the internet for obscure historical tidbits about issues completely unrelated to my book. No, I didn't just waste 2 hours today looking up who invented chewing gum even though it is highly unlikely, even in my fantasy world, that my characters would actually chew gum.

"Well work faster! They're gonna tell all their churches about your book. Do you know how many Korean churches there are in this country? Over 4,000! Do you know how many Korean Americans? Over 1.5 million!!! And they all will buy your book, not like those other Korean books that complain about how they hate their parents, hate being Korean, hate kim chee, ,etc etc."

(I love the way my Dad says etc. "Etacetehrah, etaceterah!")

"They don't want to buy complaining books about how it is so hard to grow up Korean American and garbage like that. They sick of it! But your book they want to buy! Ancient Korea! Myths and legends! Big Hit!" This speech took like 10 minutes because he tends to have lots of meaningful pauses as he talks.

"Ummm, Dad, you've never even read my book..."

"So what? I know it's good because I helped you!"

This is true, my Dad did an amazing amount of research for me. He even translated several Korean books for me because I am Korean illiterate.

"And do you know that there is a Korean Association in every state?" he asked.

"Don't worry Dad, I'm going to hire you to promote my book!"

"If it ever gets published," he said.

Grrrrrrr.

"How about you publish it in Korea? They would love it!" he continued.

"I am illiterate in Korean, remember?"

"It's ok, I'll translate it for you... but I'll have to charge you..."

"Sure, but how will I know that you didn't try and change my words around or something?"

"Then you would see my name instead of yours on the cover."

Oh yeah.

"And don't worry, I will only charge you 50% of gross!"

Sheesh. He drives a hard bargain.

So happy!!!!!!!!!!

How do I adore thee, Moonrat? Let me count the ways...

1. You always give out wise publishing advice.
2. You are always there to cheer me up and onward no matter how down I get.
3. You always make me laugh.
4. You always make me think.
5. You love to eat good food.
6. We get to eat good food... and lots of it.
7. You let Youngest use you as a horse, race car and jungle gym and pretended to enjoy it.
8. You let Angus tell you disgusting stories and laughed.
9. You talked to Oldest like a grown up and made her happy.
10. You got me the Catching Fire ARC!!!
11. You got me the Catching Fire ARC!!!
12. You got me the Catching Fire ARC!!!

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is so good!!! It is so awesome!!!! I had to beat Da Man off of my ARC and then made the same mistake I made with the first one. As I crawled into bed at 1AM, I told myself I would just take a quick peek at the first chapter. Didn't go to sleep until almost 5 AM. Tired but extremely happy!

Funny thing my kids said - Youngest who is completely enamored with Moonie asked if we could keep her. Oldest said "No, but Moonie can keep Youngest instead."

Moonie, my friend, you are the best! And next time we are in town, we will gorge ourselves silly once again!

Ok - Must go beat Da Man again as I want to read Catching Fire a few more times!!!

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 31

Angus - how do you say "bow" in Korean?

me - I don't know.

Angus - it says leebun. You didn't know that?

Me - What?

Angus - yeah, leebun.

Me looking at the picture of a present with a bow on top - Oh you mean ribbon!

Angus - Yeah the Korean word is leebun.

Me laughing - that's not a Korean word, that's the English word spoken with a Korean accent!

Angus - But it is in my homework! See!

She's right, the korean letters phonetically say leebun.

Angus - And look they have a tv here too! It's Tellavee! Oh I get it! They're cheating!

This is why she thinks speaking broken English with a Korean accent is speaking Korean!!

Hey it is time to do some new linky love!!! I want to update my blogroll with all the new and wonderful people I have met and who have been so awesome to come by and leave comments or just read my blog. I love you all! And I would like to share the love, but I need you guys to tell me it's ok to link to you. So can you drop me a comment and let me know if you would like to get linked up? Muchos gracias!

Last Asian Heritage Month Post

I'm as always a little late posting but I am getting this in on the last day of May so it is still officially Asian Heritage Month! My last informal poll showed me that people have really varied tastes, which is wonderful! Some people had distinct favorites while others talked more specifically of favorite dishes in each cuisine. So to commemorate the month, I'll end it with a whole smorgasbord of Asian food goodness.

I start off with a picture of a royal Korean feast. Yeah, this is not for peasants. You gotta be royalty to eat this good - or just have a lot of money. The one thing about eating a really good authentic Korean meal is the panchan - which means little side dishes. You can see an assortment of panchan on this table set for one. Yeah - this is a meal fit for a king. But for all the fame of Korea's ubiquitous barbecued meat dishes, here you see it is really all about the seafood. Sashimi plates on one end and marinated roe on the other. And lots and lots of marinated or pickled vegetables. There are also several dishes of Korea's world famous kimchee in various preparations.

Copyright by KaiChanVong via Creative Commons license

Next, we go to China and have some dim sum. Who doesn't like dim sum? My personal favorites are, Cha siu baau - Cantonese barbecue pork buns, and sesame balls. I can literally stuff my face silly on the stuff. Oldest wanted me to mention that her absolute favorite Chinese dish is Peking Duck. This reminded me of growing up in NY and my parents taking us to Chinatown once a month for our big family dinner. Luckily, my dad can read Chinese so we always ordered off the Chinese menu and not the watered down English menu.

Copyright by jasonlam via Creative Commons license

My Dad would order Cantonese Crab and snails in blackbean sauce. I can almost smell the fresh steamed crab in that amazing sauce. I can hear the loud crowded restaurant and the clanging of pots in the kitchen - the din of the diners and the people waiting on the long line out the door and up into the street. Ah memories. Ah drool slobbering down the side of my mouth and pooling into my crotch area making me look like I have peed myself.

Next time I'm up to see my folks, I think we gotta go back down memory lane so I can stop drooling.

Copyright by natmandu via Creative Commons license

Now let's fly to Vietnam, or for me at least, the Eden Center strip mall in Northern Virginia which is nowhere near as glamorous but where you can get the best Vietnamese food on the East Coast. Green papaya salad and baby clam rice hot pot are my go to faves. And for the best noodle soup in the world, I go to Pho 75 in Rockville for my Pho with eye of round steak and fatty brisket. A little bit of Srichacha sauce and I guarantee you that chicken soup has nothing on what I consider the best soup in the world.

Copyright by Allan Reyes via Creative Commons license

I have to say that the most underappreciated Asian cuisine has got to be Filipino food. People have no idea what they are missing. Our babysitter makes lumpia - Filipino egg rolls - that are so good that my kids shove 3 at a time in their mouths. Little piggies. Last time, she made 40 lumpia. Me and Da Man were sure there would be some when we got back. We were wrong.

I wish I could share with you a good picture of Filipino lechon, but every picture I found had the pig's head staring back at me, which made me feel very cannibalistic. So all I can tell you is that if you ever have the opportunity to be invited to a Filipino dinner where they are making lechon, you are one lucky SOB. You never had roast pork this good til you try it - with the skin. Pig never tasted so good. And if you want to see more Filipino delights, you have to check out Moonrat's post here.

Copyright by Reesie via Creative Commons license

I saved one of my absolute favorites for last because anyone who knows me knows I go absolutely crazy for good Indian food. There is this amazing restaurant in Bethesda called Passage to India that makes me weep from Indian goodness. Their garlic naan with cilantro is so good I have nearly bitten Da Man's hand off when he tries to take the last piece. At any good Indian place, I love Chicken Vindaloo, Lamb Curry and Aloo Gobhi (potatoes and cauliflower - and the only way I will ever eat cauliflower and like it!). But what makes me swoon are the grilled lamb chops and their Baingan Bharta - roasted eggplants with stewed onions and tomatoes. So if you come to the DC area and want good Indian - think Bethesda... and give me a call!

I have not covered all the cuisines. I didn't even have time to cover Thai food or Malayasian food or Japanese food (although I did sushi last time so that's ok). But I have run out of time and I regretfully have to say goodbye to May and Asian Heritage month. I hope you all have enjoyed it as much as I have! And remember to try out different types of cuisine and be a little adventurous with food. You never know what you might end up falling in love with.

And I know that I have not covered all the best of Asian food. So feel free to share with me a favorite of yours! Whoever makes me drool the most wins!

Sushi, sushi, sushi!

We interrupt this programming for a quick update - Author interview with Erica Kirov (aka Erica Orloff) by yours truly, is now posted at the Enchanted Inkpot! Please stop by here! Now back to regularly scheduled programming...

Once again my informal survey has wound up with surprising results. More people liked sushi than disliked it. However, even more people have never tried it.

How. Fascinating. I decided therefore, that we should talk a little bit about sushi.

Copyright Pedro Moura Pinheiro via Creative Commons License

Sushi is beautiful and delicious. But like most things, you just gotta find what is right for you. For example, I know that mackerel and sea urchin make me hurl. So I avoid it. But I adore toro, yellowtail, flounder and red snapper. These tend to be milder flavored fish. I even like squid, sweet shrimp and octopus. Da Man can't eat octopus. It's a texture thing with him. He finds it rubbery and offensive. But I have to admit that I may have put him off octopus forever. Cause once when we went to my folks for dinner, my mom made boiled baby octopus with a hot and spicy dipping sauce. They look sort of like this but hers were whiter.

Copyright Kent Wang via Creative Commons License

When he stepped away to get a drink, I quickly picked up a baby octopus and bit half of its head off and left it in its decapitated state on his plate. When da man came back and saw the baby octopus with its brains staring back up into his face, his usually tanned complexion turned an eerie sickly color and he began to gag and ran to the bathroom. I laughed my ass off. Since then, the boy has not been able to eat octopus.

But I digress. Let's go back to sushi. It is interesting to note that the history of sushi began in China, as with most things Asian, and evolved centuries later in Japan. What we now call sushi is far different from its origins as a salted fish fermenting in rice process. The process was used to preserve fish and the rice was thrown away after the fish was removed. The Japanese evolved sushi by adding rice wine vinegar to the rice and eating it with the half raw fish. Now it is as much an artform as it is a cuisine. Beautiful platters of sushi and sashimi (raw fish without rice) are a feast for your eyes as well as your stomach.

In Japan, training to be a sushi chef is traditionally a very long and rigorous process. They must train as an apprentice under a sushi master for 10 years. A good shushi chef not only is a master of the delicate knife work needed to be a great sushi chef, but also is a creative artist. But in the states, it seems like anybody can call themselves a sushi chef. This is not a good thing.

To become a good sushi chef, you don't have to be Asian. Any nationality can excel at this art. But you do have to have good training. Unfortunately, while many places serve sushi, not every place has a good sushi chef, and this can ruin the experience for a novice sushi eater. For example, certain fish can be ruined by a poor knife job, leaving it a tasteless slab of goo. Also, a good sushi chef will never serve a piece of fish that is off. A bad one will. This can be the difference between enjoying your first experience with sushi or spending your night clinging to the rim of your toilet.

So to all of you out there who said you never had sushi or didn't like it, I say, "You do not like them, so you say. Try them! Try them! And you may. Try them and you may, I say."

But please don't go to any corner sushi spot. Make sure you get a good write up at your local food critic column or other reputable recommendation. Make sure you have a true sushi chef and not some fake sushi chef with a matchbox sushi chef diploma. And whatever you do DON'T buy the pre-packaged stuff at your local supermarket. Cause if you do, you might as well take a whole box of laxatives and call it a night.

Author Interview? Moi?

Earlier this month my good buddy, the lovely Aerin - who I refer to as Wonder Woman, interviewed me on her blog here. I forgot to link up to it because, well earlier this month I was a mess. But she did a lovely interview and I was proud.

Then I got an email from Tarie who has a wonderful blog called
Into the Wardrobe. She found me when she was researching Ingrid Law for an interview and came up on Oldest's interview. She checked out my website and my blog and we had some great email exchanges about Asian writers and Asian literature. So when she asked to interview me for Asian Heritage Month even though I wasn't a published author yet, I was very flattered.

And I gotta tell you, her blog is amazing! So please stop by and check out her awesome blog!

So I am feeling very special since I've been interviewed twice in one month. Special people don't have to cook dinner and clean the house, right?

Rice rice baby!

So in my highly unscientific and informal poll on the blog, twitter and facebook, with regards to the question "which starch would you choose - rice or noodles?" - Rice won by 3 votes out of 40. Pretty close I have to say. But since rice won, today, for Asian Heritage month, I shall share with you one of my favorite Korean rice dishes - Dulsot Bi Bim Pab. Which basically means mixed rice in a nuclearly hot stone pot.


So you can see that it is a very vegetably dish. There is rice on the bottom and it is topped with bean sprouts, pickled radish, marinated ferns, garlicky spinach and some lettuce. You don't see it but there is also delicious meat in the mix also. In this picture, the egg on top looks practically raw. This is unusual, but keep in mind that the stone dish that it is served in is so hot that the egg will cook immediately upon stirring. However, most places serve it with an over easy egg.

The stone dish is dangerously hot so whatever you do, don't touch it! The rice on the bottom crisps up with the heat of the pot. On the side, you will get a little dish of spicy red pepper paste that you can add to the mixture, at your discretion. As soon as you get your dish, you want to add the red pepper paste and mix everything up, making sure to lift up the rice from the bottom of the dish to get blended in. I've seen non-Koreans eat this unmixed, each part separately. Me and my big mouth always has to butt in and explain that bi bim means mix and show them how to mix it all up. Trust me, it is better that way!

So McKoala wanted some Asian recipes. Unfortunately, this is one of those dishes that is very difficult to recreate at home as the components are very time consuming. And unless you have an earthen stone dish in your house, it will be nearly impossible to get that lovely crisped rice effect so get thee to a Korean restaurant (preferably a good one! I took a friend to one in NY that I was sadly disappointed in so make sure to get good recommendations.)

Instead, for McKoala - I shall give you my shumai recipe. Here it is. You know how if you go to a Japanese restaurant you order shumai and you pay like $6.00 for 6 pieces of shumai? What a rip off! Wouldn't it be so much cheaper to eat at home? Absolutely. Here's my recipe. Get in your car, drive to your local Asian marketplace. Go to their frozen food section and find frozen shrimp shumai in packages of 24 for $4.99. Take home, heat in microwave and serve. For those of you who do not have an Asian marketplace near you - NO SHUMAI FOR YOU!

Ok - so are you getting the sense that I don't have lots of good recipes to share with you? Yeah, how sad is that. I realize that I cook more Italian food at home than Asian. But when we go out to eat, we eat more Asian. Unfortunately we go out to eat too much.

But because I hate to turn you away without any kind of recipe, I'll give you my Mother's grilled shrimp recipe. It is very easy. You want shrimp in their shells Throw them in a large ziploc bag and cover them with olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic powder and Korean Kochukaru (which is crushed red chili flakes). If you don't have the Korean version look for red chili flakes - I'm sure there is a similar spice you can use. This is all to taste so you can make it spicier or milder, up to you. Shake the bag until all the shrimp are coated in the mixture. I like my shrimp to have a nice coating of red, since they are shelled, you get the taste more from your fingers. Grill and serve.

My next Asian heritage month question is - Do you like sushi (and I don't mean California Rolls! I mean the real raw fish stuff)? If yes, what and why. If no, have you ever tried it?

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 30

Da Man was a good daddy and chaperoned her field trip to the Museum of Natural History this week. He's also going on Youngest's field trip to the National Gallery of Art tomorrow. He is building up some serious brownie points. I may have to actually cook a favorite meal for him... Or hey Paca offered to make some dumplings and ship em right Paca? ;o)

Anyway, lately he has begun to read more books and he picked up Cindy Pon's Silver Phoenix at my insistence. As you all know, Cindy has a beautiful girl poised provocatively on the cover, however Da Man is not fazed by this and has been reading it on the metro.

The other day he nearly forgot his book on the kitchen table and he asked Angus to bring it down to him. She grabbed Silver Phoenix, looked at the cover and said, "This one? With the girl on the cover? I thought it was Mommy's book!"

Da Man said, "Yeah, but just because there's a girl on the cover doesn't mean a guy can't read it."

To which Angus responded, "I know that, I'm just surprised you're reading a book!"

Har Har! Still in keeping with Asian Heritage Celebrations, I want to thank all of you for turning me into a drooling ravenous fiend yesterday unable to decide between Indian, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Korean or Asian fusion cuisine. So instead, I had Italian.

But tomorrow I shall post a recipe for Mckoala! I just gotta make sure it's edible first...

One last question - if you had to pick a starch, what would you pick, rice or noodle?

Celebrating Asian Heritage Month

May is already half gone and I'm behind (surprise, surprise!) but I'm going to do a series of Asian Heritage posts that have meaning for me. Usually, that means food. After all, I am a little piggy!



This is bungeobbang. Pronounced buh-n-gay-pahng. Romanization of Korean words doesn't always work that well, but you get the general idea. Anyway, this stuff is a sweet that I absolutely adore! Partly because it is near impossible to get around me. The only times I get it is if my parents have made a trip out to Flushing, NY and bring me some when they visit. It's basically crisp, golden brown pastry filled with piping hot sweet red bean paste. Oh my gosh, I'm drooling already!

Apparently in Seoul, the streets are filled with little food stalls that sell all kinds of delicious foods, including bungeobbang. Which, I've been told, eaten fresh off the grill is a near orgasmic experience. One day I will experience this pleasure myself, while holding my nose as I pass by the silkworm larvae vendor. But even that foul smell will not drive me away from trying a piping hot bungeobbang!

Now all I have to do is pay for 5 first class tickets to Korea and some morphine. Five cause I gotta take the family. First class and morphine because I'm claustrophobic and suffer from air sickness and motion sickness and I'm a foulmouthed bad traveler. Yeah, you don't want to fly with me. I'm what you call a difficult passenger. If your kid kicks the back of my chair, I'll get up and kick the back of your head. If your feet stink and you take off your shoes near me, I will use your shoes to vomit in. If you have big hair and are sitting in front of me blocking my view of the stinky inflight movie, I will loudly gripe about your big hair til it deflates like a flattened souffle. Let me stop now before you get the idea that I'm some kind of a bitch or something.

So the idea of 24 hours on a plane is quite horrifying for everyone, I'm sure. Guess I'm stuck begging my folks to pick some up in Flushing for me. Man I love these things.

Anyway, in honor of Asian Heritage Month, I would love to hear from everyone out there what your favorite Asian food is.

Worst Mom Ever

Copyright MMMichelle courtesy of Creative Comons License

I'm feeling a bit like this duck here. I am feeling like a bad mom and I admit to being a bit mortified. Two Saturdays ago Oldest had a bad fall at her soccer game. Da Man who is also the head coach of her team, called me to let me know that he was sending Oldest home with another Mom while he finished out the game. I was at the elementary school's spring fling with Angus and Youngest and I rushed home to meet Oldest. When she arrived home, we iced up her arm and I had her lie down. However, Oldest desperately wanted to go back to spring fling because she had bought 25 raffle tickets that she put into one basket. She assured me that she was ok to go back and so we all returned to school where upon Oldest watched as her best friend won the basket she wanted. Apparently her best friend put 60 raffle tickets in the basket. I put down Oldest's pained smile of congratulations to disappointment rather than her injury.

We returned home and Da Man and I debated whether or not we needed to take Oldest to the doctor. Her arm was showing no sign of bruising or swelling so we decided to wait. Fast forward to this past Wednesday. Oldest has continued to complain about pain so we took her to see the orthopedist who takes an X-ray and informs us that Oldest has a broken arm. Thankfully it was a clean break and it had already begun to heal. But that doesn't stop us from feeling pretty terrible.

Thank goodness Oldest is a nice kid, cause if it had been Angus or Youngest, they would be guilting us into buying a puppy, a kitten, the entire inventory of Toys R us, etc. The only thing Oldest asked for was a lollipop and a hug. She's a nice kid, doesn't know a thing about extortion. Which of course makes me feel worse.

The only thing that makes me feel better is that the doctor told us that there is nothing you can really do for a break like that (upper arm) but to put it in a sling and rest it, which we have been doing.

So tonight as I put the girls to sleep, Youngest pointed to her finger and told me that she was pretty sure she had broken it. I told her that there isn't much I could do for a broken finger but kiss it. As I went to kiss it she loudly shrieked "Ow! Kisses don't make it feel better!" When I asked her what would, she immediately pronounced "a new American Girl doll would make it feel much better Mommy. Especially the one called Ivy." Yeah, a $90 doll for a busted finger? I don't think so. Oldest's broken arm only cost me a $3.00 lollipop, although I would have driven to NY to buy her an American Girl doll if she had only asked. Which is why, I'm so glad Oldest is not an extortionist like her younger sisters. For the record, my mother-in-law has given verbal evidence on the fact that Da Man was a con artist from a young age so I blame his genes for their deviousness.

Poor Oldest. Not only does she have rotten parents that let a broken arm go undiagnosed for nearly 2 weeks, but she isn't devious enough to milk it for all that it's worth. I'm feeling so bad about this, I think I need a spa day. I think I have to guilt Da Man into paying for it - after all he was coaching when Oldest got hurt...

The lights are on but I'm not home

I finished off all my grading (except for a few stragglers) and have begun to decompress. My head actually was hurting from reading too much and I had to take myself off the computer for the weekend. I feel tired and foggy and stupid. My synapses are moving slower than usual. The other day someone kept screaming for Mommy and I kept thinking it was someone else's kid, except I was home and the screaming kid came and threw herself at me in hysterics, scaring me half to death. I haven't done anything stupid like throw my wallet in the garbage... yet. But when I get like this my stupidity frightens me.

So I haven't been reading blogs and my google reader is now showing 1,000+ and I know it will be hell to catch up on, but hopefully I'll start slowly come around visiting later this week. In the meantime, can I share this awesome video that even I, in all my glorious stupidity, really enjoyed.

Happy Mother's Day!

A few days ago I picked up Youngest from school and she was acting very mysteriously.

"Mommy," she whispered. "I have to tell you a really big secret!"

"Ok," I said, as I leaned down next to her.

She grinned and pressed her little finger to her lips and let out a big "shhhhhhh." I nodded and made the same gesture. Satisfied she cupped her hand around my ear.

"I made you the most beautifulest flower pot for Mother's Day!" she whispered with a giggle. "And it even has a seed in it! Only we're not supposed to tell our Mommy's cause its a secret!"

I smiled at her and chided, "Weren't you supposed to keep it from me?"

She looked at me indignantly, "Yes but I can't keeps a secret from my Mommy!"

"You are absolutely right!" I said.

Happy, she clapped her hands and said, "Just don't tell anyone else that I told you OK? Cause its a secret!"

"OK!"

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there!

The Queen of England

I was raised to believe that holding the door open for people is a courtesy that should always be extended. Thus, I just don’t have the ability to let a door close in another person’s face, my hand physically won’t let me do it, no matter how much of a rush I am in. This has meant holding the door open for a great variety of people: from the nice and the appreciative, to the abrupt, the oblivious, the assholes and the Queens of England. Not the real Queen of England, but people who think they are the Queen of England. You all know who I mean, right? There’s always someone in your life who has the Queen complex. They think their crap smells like Apple pie and you should be grateful they fart in your direction.

Holding the door open for people means you have a 50% chance of walking away in a bad mood. Cause there is a 50% chance that an asshole or a Queen will take advantage of your courtesy. At Youngest’s school, the percentage jumps up to 75%. I know it’s a risk that I’m going to be mad at someone, but still, like a pig to mud, I just gotta hold that door open. I’ve come to terms with this. Accepting that I will do what is right not for the jerks and idiots, but for the 25% who appreciate the courtesy and will in turn extend it elsewhere. But sometimes… grrrrrr…

So today I need to meet someone in Virginia for an appointment that I am on the verge of being late to. But I see a woman with two kids coming in so, as usual, I hold the door open. This particular door is a locked door so in the morning rush of drop off, it is always polite to hold it for another parent with their children. And by this point, since it is a fairly small pre-school, most people know each other by sight. So I am holding the door open for this woman, who clearly sees me but is seemingly in no rush to hurry her kids through. She literally continues to saunter slowly over while my fingers begin to itch with a frenzied desire to let the door go. Her older kid who is 5 and used to be in class with Youngest, looks at me and walks by, without a word of thanks. Ok, I’ll excuse him since he is 5, even though all my girls were taught to thank people before they could walk. But I understand that they may be an anomaly.

He rushes in and down towards his class. I am still waiting for the Queen of England and her younger child to walk through. She is clearly a Queen because she languidly drawls out a “thanks” but doesn’t even look at me. She is now standing right in front of the doorway in such a way that if I let go of the door it would slam into her butt, which by its flatness looks like many doors have slammed in to it over the years. Her daughter stops and insists the Queen pick her up. The Queen shakes her head and says “No way I’m carrying you in! I might break a nail!” errr, ok – she didn’t actually say the nail part, but she did lift up her hands and shake them in such a way that I believe the message was the same. She then walks around her daughter and down the hallway, leaving the 3 year old standing right in front of the doorway. Keep in mind, I am still standing there, unable to let the door go on a little kid, even if such demon child has begun to shriek like a slew of fire engines racing to a 5 alarm fire.

Other parents creep in and out, guiltily thanking me for holding open the door, even as none of them offer to hold the door in my stead. I’m like Charon, the ferryman of the Styx River, with the worst job in the world. No one wants to take over for me because they know they will be stuck doing it for eternity instead. I try scooting the kid in to the building but the girl has turned into stone even as her shriekfest intensifies. I shout down the hall. “Hey your Majesty! I can’t hold this door forever!” over the screams of the demon child and I finally see the Queen huff back over and grab her daughter while giving me a loud "rolling your eyes" tsk at me coupled with a nasty sneer. I just let the door go and walked away. It turns out I can let the door shut in someone's face after all!

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 29

Oldest and Angus were lying on the floor giggling over a book. I peered over their shoulders and noticed they had the school yearbook open before them. They were pointing at pictures of boys in different classes and different grades in their school and giggling.

"That's Michael," Oldest says. They both start giggling hard.

Oh No! My heart sank. Are they already thinking about cute boys? They're so young! I'm not ready for this! I lean forward, eavesdropping.

"Don't sit anywhere he's sat. He picks his nose and wipes it everywhere!" Oldest says. "One time he handed in his paper, and there was a big booger right in the middle of his math test! And if he gets mad at you he'll flick his boogers at you!"

Angus shrieks in disgust. She then turns the page and points at another boy. "That's Gary! When we have tator tots for lunch, he sticks them up his nose and then eats them!"

Oldest guffaws, slapping her hands over her face and then turns back to point at another girl. "That's Gina! She's the one that threw up all over Ryan in class."

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" They both howl.

I walk away, a broad smile on my face. Their shrieks of disgust filling me with warmth and love... and relief.

And the Winner is.....

The winner who entered with the most entries, stacking the deck in her favor when it came down to draw, is.......... Aerin!!!

The winner of the poetry contest with Cindy's favorite poem is..... Absolute Vanilla!!!

Here is her winning poem:

Nibbling silkworm larvae (chop suey and dim sum)
gives a girl great powers,
creates wings of silver
and a unique digestive hum
on which a Phoenix rises...

I just want to say, you had me at dim sum...

We had some runner ups who will receive a beautiful bookmark and signed bookplate from Cindy. They are:

zxcvbnm
nodizzies
allegore
cindy
kelly
jenniferwriter
katterly
beth

So congrats to all our winners. Please email me your contact information at ello.echo@gmail.com.

Thanks again to everyone for entering the contest and helping spread the word for Cindy's debut!

I have had so much fun that I think I'll have to throw more contests with irresistible prizes like this. Or maybe I should stick to delicious silkworm larvae treats in a styrofoam cup, complete with toothpicks.


Who wouldn't wanna win a nice treat like that? I know y'all are dying to enter, right? So how about some odes? Sonnets? Picturegrams? Anybody? Hello? Hello? Where'd everyone go?

Contest is Over!

So the contest is officially over, thank you so much to everyone for entering! It has been awesome to see how far we have reached out to new bloggers everywhere to spread the word of the Silver Phoenix rising! And the poems! Wow! Very cool guys!

So we will announce the winners on Monday morning.

Since I am slowly recuperating from the dreaded stomach flu and snapping at everyone that I did not have the swine flue, I am a little harried. BUT am better and will be ready to entrance you with my stunning wit and come around to harass I mean come visiting y'all real soon!

Til then, here's a politically incorrect video that you will either find really offensive or really hysterical. I only take credit if it is the latter. FYI - I want to make note that why this is so funny is not because of the offensive racist language slurs here to 7 different cultures, but that it pokes fun at the ignorance of the British woman who is mouthing the ridiculousness. And it allows us to be ok saying "Hey that's RACIST!" while laughing our ass off at the racist white woman. OK We Cool now?