The aliens and I are in NYC visiting my parents. As usual my Mom decideed to subtly comment on my weight. We were walking outside to take the aliens to the pier, when my mother turned to look at me and sighed. "Girls, do you know what is the one thing I wish for the most in life?"
Angus - "To win a million dollars?"
Oldest - "That the republicans were back in office?"
Youngest - "That we get a puppy?"
After she poo poohed everything but the republicans comment, she pointed at me and said "I wish someone would put your Mom on a makeover show so that she can be beautiful again."
As I began to choke on my gum, they all turned to look at me. I was wearing a gray t-shirt, jeans, and flip-flops. My hair was wet and the only makeup I ever wear is eyeliner. If it were cold out, I'd probably have a hoodie on. But it was over 90 degrees out and muggy so I was already starting to sweat and get red in the face. I growled menacingly at all of them. No one said another word. Score 1 for Mom.
Later that day my Mom told me that since it was Father's day, we should go buy a watermelon for my dad. "Besides, watermelon is good for your diet," she said.
So we walked over to the local Fairway supermarket which is about a brisk 10 minute walk over on Broadway. My parents have a car in their building's garage, but since we are walking I'm envisioning cubed watermelon in plastic containers or maybe even a pre-sliced quarter of watermelon. I've got my reusable shopping bag in my purse that I carry everywhere so I feel confident that I can carry some watermelon back. But when we get to the supermarket, my Dad bypassed the cut up squares and the presliced watermelon and goes to pick up a big ol' watermelon.
The thing had to be at least 10 to 20 lbs but felt like 50! It was so big it didn't fit in my reusable shopping bag!!! The sales clerk doubled up the plastic bags, but they're so flimsy I had no choice but to carry this behemoth like a baby in my arms for 5 blocks and 2 avenues. For those of you who don't know what a NYC avenue is like - well it is the equivalent of 3 regular city blocks. I carried that thing for exactly 0.7 miles. I checked google maps. Sweat poured down from my hair like I was caught in the middle of a tropical monsoon. My face was magenta and had a little pig built a house out of straw or sticks, I would have easily blown that sucker down with all my huffing and puffing. My arms felt like they were being pulled from their sockets and my legs had turned to lead. Even the aliens buzzed about me sympathetically but were of no help.
As we neared home, I said to my mother, "This better be the most delicious watermelon in the world!"
To which she responded, "Even if it isn't, I told you it was good for your diet!"
A terrible suspicion gripped me. "Is this what you meant by the watermelon diet?!!!"
My mom laughed, "I bet you lost 3 lbs today carrying that thing home!"
Torturous woman 2 points + 10 for sheer evilness
Dummy carrying a hugeass watermelon 0 points
I've decided to trademark the watermelon diet and make a billion dollars selling watermelons in slings for people to carry around everyday. I'll call it the "My Mom is trying to kill me" diet. And I'm sure it will be a bestseller.