Last Asian Heritage Month Post

I'm as always a little late posting but I am getting this in on the last day of May so it is still officially Asian Heritage Month! My last informal poll showed me that people have really varied tastes, which is wonderful! Some people had distinct favorites while others talked more specifically of favorite dishes in each cuisine. So to commemorate the month, I'll end it with a whole smorgasbord of Asian food goodness.

I start off with a picture of a royal Korean feast. Yeah, this is not for peasants. You gotta be royalty to eat this good - or just have a lot of money. The one thing about eating a really good authentic Korean meal is the panchan - which means little side dishes. You can see an assortment of panchan on this table set for one. Yeah - this is a meal fit for a king. But for all the fame of Korea's ubiquitous barbecued meat dishes, here you see it is really all about the seafood. Sashimi plates on one end and marinated roe on the other. And lots and lots of marinated or pickled vegetables. There are also several dishes of Korea's world famous kimchee in various preparations.

Copyright by KaiChanVong via Creative Commons license

Next, we go to China and have some dim sum. Who doesn't like dim sum? My personal favorites are, Cha siu baau - Cantonese barbecue pork buns, and sesame balls. I can literally stuff my face silly on the stuff. Oldest wanted me to mention that her absolute favorite Chinese dish is Peking Duck. This reminded me of growing up in NY and my parents taking us to Chinatown once a month for our big family dinner. Luckily, my dad can read Chinese so we always ordered off the Chinese menu and not the watered down English menu.

Copyright by jasonlam via Creative Commons license

My Dad would order Cantonese Crab and snails in blackbean sauce. I can almost smell the fresh steamed crab in that amazing sauce. I can hear the loud crowded restaurant and the clanging of pots in the kitchen - the din of the diners and the people waiting on the long line out the door and up into the street. Ah memories. Ah drool slobbering down the side of my mouth and pooling into my crotch area making me look like I have peed myself.

Next time I'm up to see my folks, I think we gotta go back down memory lane so I can stop drooling.

Copyright by natmandu via Creative Commons license

Now let's fly to Vietnam, or for me at least, the Eden Center strip mall in Northern Virginia which is nowhere near as glamorous but where you can get the best Vietnamese food on the East Coast. Green papaya salad and baby clam rice hot pot are my go to faves. And for the best noodle soup in the world, I go to Pho 75 in Rockville for my Pho with eye of round steak and fatty brisket. A little bit of Srichacha sauce and I guarantee you that chicken soup has nothing on what I consider the best soup in the world.

Copyright by Allan Reyes via Creative Commons license

I have to say that the most underappreciated Asian cuisine has got to be Filipino food. People have no idea what they are missing. Our babysitter makes lumpia - Filipino egg rolls - that are so good that my kids shove 3 at a time in their mouths. Little piggies. Last time, she made 40 lumpia. Me and Da Man were sure there would be some when we got back. We were wrong.

I wish I could share with you a good picture of Filipino lechon, but every picture I found had the pig's head staring back at me, which made me feel very cannibalistic. So all I can tell you is that if you ever have the opportunity to be invited to a Filipino dinner where they are making lechon, you are one lucky SOB. You never had roast pork this good til you try it - with the skin. Pig never tasted so good. And if you want to see more Filipino delights, you have to check out Moonrat's post here.

Copyright by Reesie via Creative Commons license

I saved one of my absolute favorites for last because anyone who knows me knows I go absolutely crazy for good Indian food. There is this amazing restaurant in Bethesda called Passage to India that makes me weep from Indian goodness. Their garlic naan with cilantro is so good I have nearly bitten Da Man's hand off when he tries to take the last piece. At any good Indian place, I love Chicken Vindaloo, Lamb Curry and Aloo Gobhi (potatoes and cauliflower - and the only way I will ever eat cauliflower and like it!). But what makes me swoon are the grilled lamb chops and their Baingan Bharta - roasted eggplants with stewed onions and tomatoes. So if you come to the DC area and want good Indian - think Bethesda... and give me a call!

I have not covered all the cuisines. I didn't even have time to cover Thai food or Malayasian food or Japanese food (although I did sushi last time so that's ok). But I have run out of time and I regretfully have to say goodbye to May and Asian Heritage month. I hope you all have enjoyed it as much as I have! And remember to try out different types of cuisine and be a little adventurous with food. You never know what you might end up falling in love with.

And I know that I have not covered all the best of Asian food. So feel free to share with me a favorite of yours! Whoever makes me drool the most wins!

Sushi, sushi, sushi!

We interrupt this programming for a quick update - Author interview with Erica Kirov (aka Erica Orloff) by yours truly, is now posted at the Enchanted Inkpot! Please stop by here! Now back to regularly scheduled programming...

Once again my informal survey has wound up with surprising results. More people liked sushi than disliked it. However, even more people have never tried it.

How. Fascinating. I decided therefore, that we should talk a little bit about sushi.

Copyright Pedro Moura Pinheiro via Creative Commons License

Sushi is beautiful and delicious. But like most things, you just gotta find what is right for you. For example, I know that mackerel and sea urchin make me hurl. So I avoid it. But I adore toro, yellowtail, flounder and red snapper. These tend to be milder flavored fish. I even like squid, sweet shrimp and octopus. Da Man can't eat octopus. It's a texture thing with him. He finds it rubbery and offensive. But I have to admit that I may have put him off octopus forever. Cause once when we went to my folks for dinner, my mom made boiled baby octopus with a hot and spicy dipping sauce. They look sort of like this but hers were whiter.

Copyright Kent Wang via Creative Commons License

When he stepped away to get a drink, I quickly picked up a baby octopus and bit half of its head off and left it in its decapitated state on his plate. When da man came back and saw the baby octopus with its brains staring back up into his face, his usually tanned complexion turned an eerie sickly color and he began to gag and ran to the bathroom. I laughed my ass off. Since then, the boy has not been able to eat octopus.

But I digress. Let's go back to sushi. It is interesting to note that the history of sushi began in China, as with most things Asian, and evolved centuries later in Japan. What we now call sushi is far different from its origins as a salted fish fermenting in rice process. The process was used to preserve fish and the rice was thrown away after the fish was removed. The Japanese evolved sushi by adding rice wine vinegar to the rice and eating it with the half raw fish. Now it is as much an artform as it is a cuisine. Beautiful platters of sushi and sashimi (raw fish without rice) are a feast for your eyes as well as your stomach.

In Japan, training to be a sushi chef is traditionally a very long and rigorous process. They must train as an apprentice under a sushi master for 10 years. A good shushi chef not only is a master of the delicate knife work needed to be a great sushi chef, but also is a creative artist. But in the states, it seems like anybody can call themselves a sushi chef. This is not a good thing.

To become a good sushi chef, you don't have to be Asian. Any nationality can excel at this art. But you do have to have good training. Unfortunately, while many places serve sushi, not every place has a good sushi chef, and this can ruin the experience for a novice sushi eater. For example, certain fish can be ruined by a poor knife job, leaving it a tasteless slab of goo. Also, a good sushi chef will never serve a piece of fish that is off. A bad one will. This can be the difference between enjoying your first experience with sushi or spending your night clinging to the rim of your toilet.

So to all of you out there who said you never had sushi or didn't like it, I say, "You do not like them, so you say. Try them! Try them! And you may. Try them and you may, I say."

But please don't go to any corner sushi spot. Make sure you get a good write up at your local food critic column or other reputable recommendation. Make sure you have a true sushi chef and not some fake sushi chef with a matchbox sushi chef diploma. And whatever you do DON'T buy the pre-packaged stuff at your local supermarket. Cause if you do, you might as well take a whole box of laxatives and call it a night.

Author Interview? Moi?

Earlier this month my good buddy, the lovely Aerin - who I refer to as Wonder Woman, interviewed me on her blog here. I forgot to link up to it because, well earlier this month I was a mess. But she did a lovely interview and I was proud.

Then I got an email from Tarie who has a wonderful blog called
Into the Wardrobe. She found me when she was researching Ingrid Law for an interview and came up on Oldest's interview. She checked out my website and my blog and we had some great email exchanges about Asian writers and Asian literature. So when she asked to interview me for Asian Heritage Month even though I wasn't a published author yet, I was very flattered.

And I gotta tell you, her blog is amazing! So please stop by and check out her awesome blog!

So I am feeling very special since I've been interviewed twice in one month. Special people don't have to cook dinner and clean the house, right?

Rice rice baby!

So in my highly unscientific and informal poll on the blog, twitter and facebook, with regards to the question "which starch would you choose - rice or noodles?" - Rice won by 3 votes out of 40. Pretty close I have to say. But since rice won, today, for Asian Heritage month, I shall share with you one of my favorite Korean rice dishes - Dulsot Bi Bim Pab. Which basically means mixed rice in a nuclearly hot stone pot.


So you can see that it is a very vegetably dish. There is rice on the bottom and it is topped with bean sprouts, pickled radish, marinated ferns, garlicky spinach and some lettuce. You don't see it but there is also delicious meat in the mix also. In this picture, the egg on top looks practically raw. This is unusual, but keep in mind that the stone dish that it is served in is so hot that the egg will cook immediately upon stirring. However, most places serve it with an over easy egg.

The stone dish is dangerously hot so whatever you do, don't touch it! The rice on the bottom crisps up with the heat of the pot. On the side, you will get a little dish of spicy red pepper paste that you can add to the mixture, at your discretion. As soon as you get your dish, you want to add the red pepper paste and mix everything up, making sure to lift up the rice from the bottom of the dish to get blended in. I've seen non-Koreans eat this unmixed, each part separately. Me and my big mouth always has to butt in and explain that bi bim means mix and show them how to mix it all up. Trust me, it is better that way!

So McKoala wanted some Asian recipes. Unfortunately, this is one of those dishes that is very difficult to recreate at home as the components are very time consuming. And unless you have an earthen stone dish in your house, it will be nearly impossible to get that lovely crisped rice effect so get thee to a Korean restaurant (preferably a good one! I took a friend to one in NY that I was sadly disappointed in so make sure to get good recommendations.)

Instead, for McKoala - I shall give you my shumai recipe. Here it is. You know how if you go to a Japanese restaurant you order shumai and you pay like $6.00 for 6 pieces of shumai? What a rip off! Wouldn't it be so much cheaper to eat at home? Absolutely. Here's my recipe. Get in your car, drive to your local Asian marketplace. Go to their frozen food section and find frozen shrimp shumai in packages of 24 for $4.99. Take home, heat in microwave and serve. For those of you who do not have an Asian marketplace near you - NO SHUMAI FOR YOU!

Ok - so are you getting the sense that I don't have lots of good recipes to share with you? Yeah, how sad is that. I realize that I cook more Italian food at home than Asian. But when we go out to eat, we eat more Asian. Unfortunately we go out to eat too much.

But because I hate to turn you away without any kind of recipe, I'll give you my Mother's grilled shrimp recipe. It is very easy. You want shrimp in their shells Throw them in a large ziploc bag and cover them with olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic powder and Korean Kochukaru (which is crushed red chili flakes). If you don't have the Korean version look for red chili flakes - I'm sure there is a similar spice you can use. This is all to taste so you can make it spicier or milder, up to you. Shake the bag until all the shrimp are coated in the mixture. I like my shrimp to have a nice coating of red, since they are shelled, you get the taste more from your fingers. Grill and serve.

My next Asian heritage month question is - Do you like sushi (and I don't mean California Rolls! I mean the real raw fish stuff)? If yes, what and why. If no, have you ever tried it?

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 30

Da Man was a good daddy and chaperoned her field trip to the Museum of Natural History this week. He's also going on Youngest's field trip to the National Gallery of Art tomorrow. He is building up some serious brownie points. I may have to actually cook a favorite meal for him... Or hey Paca offered to make some dumplings and ship em right Paca? ;o)

Anyway, lately he has begun to read more books and he picked up Cindy Pon's Silver Phoenix at my insistence. As you all know, Cindy has a beautiful girl poised provocatively on the cover, however Da Man is not fazed by this and has been reading it on the metro.

The other day he nearly forgot his book on the kitchen table and he asked Angus to bring it down to him. She grabbed Silver Phoenix, looked at the cover and said, "This one? With the girl on the cover? I thought it was Mommy's book!"

Da Man said, "Yeah, but just because there's a girl on the cover doesn't mean a guy can't read it."

To which Angus responded, "I know that, I'm just surprised you're reading a book!"

Har Har! Still in keeping with Asian Heritage Celebrations, I want to thank all of you for turning me into a drooling ravenous fiend yesterday unable to decide between Indian, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Korean or Asian fusion cuisine. So instead, I had Italian.

But tomorrow I shall post a recipe for Mckoala! I just gotta make sure it's edible first...

One last question - if you had to pick a starch, what would you pick, rice or noodle?

Celebrating Asian Heritage Month

May is already half gone and I'm behind (surprise, surprise!) but I'm going to do a series of Asian Heritage posts that have meaning for me. Usually, that means food. After all, I am a little piggy!



This is bungeobbang. Pronounced buh-n-gay-pahng. Romanization of Korean words doesn't always work that well, but you get the general idea. Anyway, this stuff is a sweet that I absolutely adore! Partly because it is near impossible to get around me. The only times I get it is if my parents have made a trip out to Flushing, NY and bring me some when they visit. It's basically crisp, golden brown pastry filled with piping hot sweet red bean paste. Oh my gosh, I'm drooling already!

Apparently in Seoul, the streets are filled with little food stalls that sell all kinds of delicious foods, including bungeobbang. Which, I've been told, eaten fresh off the grill is a near orgasmic experience. One day I will experience this pleasure myself, while holding my nose as I pass by the silkworm larvae vendor. But even that foul smell will not drive me away from trying a piping hot bungeobbang!

Now all I have to do is pay for 5 first class tickets to Korea and some morphine. Five cause I gotta take the family. First class and morphine because I'm claustrophobic and suffer from air sickness and motion sickness and I'm a foulmouthed bad traveler. Yeah, you don't want to fly with me. I'm what you call a difficult passenger. If your kid kicks the back of my chair, I'll get up and kick the back of your head. If your feet stink and you take off your shoes near me, I will use your shoes to vomit in. If you have big hair and are sitting in front of me blocking my view of the stinky inflight movie, I will loudly gripe about your big hair til it deflates like a flattened souffle. Let me stop now before you get the idea that I'm some kind of a bitch or something.

So the idea of 24 hours on a plane is quite horrifying for everyone, I'm sure. Guess I'm stuck begging my folks to pick some up in Flushing for me. Man I love these things.

Anyway, in honor of Asian Heritage Month, I would love to hear from everyone out there what your favorite Asian food is.

Worst Mom Ever

Copyright MMMichelle courtesy of Creative Comons License

I'm feeling a bit like this duck here. I am feeling like a bad mom and I admit to being a bit mortified. Two Saturdays ago Oldest had a bad fall at her soccer game. Da Man who is also the head coach of her team, called me to let me know that he was sending Oldest home with another Mom while he finished out the game. I was at the elementary school's spring fling with Angus and Youngest and I rushed home to meet Oldest. When she arrived home, we iced up her arm and I had her lie down. However, Oldest desperately wanted to go back to spring fling because she had bought 25 raffle tickets that she put into one basket. She assured me that she was ok to go back and so we all returned to school where upon Oldest watched as her best friend won the basket she wanted. Apparently her best friend put 60 raffle tickets in the basket. I put down Oldest's pained smile of congratulations to disappointment rather than her injury.

We returned home and Da Man and I debated whether or not we needed to take Oldest to the doctor. Her arm was showing no sign of bruising or swelling so we decided to wait. Fast forward to this past Wednesday. Oldest has continued to complain about pain so we took her to see the orthopedist who takes an X-ray and informs us that Oldest has a broken arm. Thankfully it was a clean break and it had already begun to heal. But that doesn't stop us from feeling pretty terrible.

Thank goodness Oldest is a nice kid, cause if it had been Angus or Youngest, they would be guilting us into buying a puppy, a kitten, the entire inventory of Toys R us, etc. The only thing Oldest asked for was a lollipop and a hug. She's a nice kid, doesn't know a thing about extortion. Which of course makes me feel worse.

The only thing that makes me feel better is that the doctor told us that there is nothing you can really do for a break like that (upper arm) but to put it in a sling and rest it, which we have been doing.

So tonight as I put the girls to sleep, Youngest pointed to her finger and told me that she was pretty sure she had broken it. I told her that there isn't much I could do for a broken finger but kiss it. As I went to kiss it she loudly shrieked "Ow! Kisses don't make it feel better!" When I asked her what would, she immediately pronounced "a new American Girl doll would make it feel much better Mommy. Especially the one called Ivy." Yeah, a $90 doll for a busted finger? I don't think so. Oldest's broken arm only cost me a $3.00 lollipop, although I would have driven to NY to buy her an American Girl doll if she had only asked. Which is why, I'm so glad Oldest is not an extortionist like her younger sisters. For the record, my mother-in-law has given verbal evidence on the fact that Da Man was a con artist from a young age so I blame his genes for their deviousness.

Poor Oldest. Not only does she have rotten parents that let a broken arm go undiagnosed for nearly 2 weeks, but she isn't devious enough to milk it for all that it's worth. I'm feeling so bad about this, I think I need a spa day. I think I have to guilt Da Man into paying for it - after all he was coaching when Oldest got hurt...

The lights are on but I'm not home

I finished off all my grading (except for a few stragglers) and have begun to decompress. My head actually was hurting from reading too much and I had to take myself off the computer for the weekend. I feel tired and foggy and stupid. My synapses are moving slower than usual. The other day someone kept screaming for Mommy and I kept thinking it was someone else's kid, except I was home and the screaming kid came and threw herself at me in hysterics, scaring me half to death. I haven't done anything stupid like throw my wallet in the garbage... yet. But when I get like this my stupidity frightens me.

So I haven't been reading blogs and my google reader is now showing 1,000+ and I know it will be hell to catch up on, but hopefully I'll start slowly come around visiting later this week. In the meantime, can I share this awesome video that even I, in all my glorious stupidity, really enjoyed.

Happy Mother's Day!

A few days ago I picked up Youngest from school and she was acting very mysteriously.

"Mommy," she whispered. "I have to tell you a really big secret!"

"Ok," I said, as I leaned down next to her.

She grinned and pressed her little finger to her lips and let out a big "shhhhhhh." I nodded and made the same gesture. Satisfied she cupped her hand around my ear.

"I made you the most beautifulest flower pot for Mother's Day!" she whispered with a giggle. "And it even has a seed in it! Only we're not supposed to tell our Mommy's cause its a secret!"

I smiled at her and chided, "Weren't you supposed to keep it from me?"

She looked at me indignantly, "Yes but I can't keeps a secret from my Mommy!"

"You are absolutely right!" I said.

Happy, she clapped her hands and said, "Just don't tell anyone else that I told you OK? Cause its a secret!"

"OK!"

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there!

The Queen of England

I was raised to believe that holding the door open for people is a courtesy that should always be extended. Thus, I just don’t have the ability to let a door close in another person’s face, my hand physically won’t let me do it, no matter how much of a rush I am in. This has meant holding the door open for a great variety of people: from the nice and the appreciative, to the abrupt, the oblivious, the assholes and the Queens of England. Not the real Queen of England, but people who think they are the Queen of England. You all know who I mean, right? There’s always someone in your life who has the Queen complex. They think their crap smells like Apple pie and you should be grateful they fart in your direction.

Holding the door open for people means you have a 50% chance of walking away in a bad mood. Cause there is a 50% chance that an asshole or a Queen will take advantage of your courtesy. At Youngest’s school, the percentage jumps up to 75%. I know it’s a risk that I’m going to be mad at someone, but still, like a pig to mud, I just gotta hold that door open. I’ve come to terms with this. Accepting that I will do what is right not for the jerks and idiots, but for the 25% who appreciate the courtesy and will in turn extend it elsewhere. But sometimes… grrrrrr…

So today I need to meet someone in Virginia for an appointment that I am on the verge of being late to. But I see a woman with two kids coming in so, as usual, I hold the door open. This particular door is a locked door so in the morning rush of drop off, it is always polite to hold it for another parent with their children. And by this point, since it is a fairly small pre-school, most people know each other by sight. So I am holding the door open for this woman, who clearly sees me but is seemingly in no rush to hurry her kids through. She literally continues to saunter slowly over while my fingers begin to itch with a frenzied desire to let the door go. Her older kid who is 5 and used to be in class with Youngest, looks at me and walks by, without a word of thanks. Ok, I’ll excuse him since he is 5, even though all my girls were taught to thank people before they could walk. But I understand that they may be an anomaly.

He rushes in and down towards his class. I am still waiting for the Queen of England and her younger child to walk through. She is clearly a Queen because she languidly drawls out a “thanks” but doesn’t even look at me. She is now standing right in front of the doorway in such a way that if I let go of the door it would slam into her butt, which by its flatness looks like many doors have slammed in to it over the years. Her daughter stops and insists the Queen pick her up. The Queen shakes her head and says “No way I’m carrying you in! I might break a nail!” errr, ok – she didn’t actually say the nail part, but she did lift up her hands and shake them in such a way that I believe the message was the same. She then walks around her daughter and down the hallway, leaving the 3 year old standing right in front of the doorway. Keep in mind, I am still standing there, unable to let the door go on a little kid, even if such demon child has begun to shriek like a slew of fire engines racing to a 5 alarm fire.

Other parents creep in and out, guiltily thanking me for holding open the door, even as none of them offer to hold the door in my stead. I’m like Charon, the ferryman of the Styx River, with the worst job in the world. No one wants to take over for me because they know they will be stuck doing it for eternity instead. I try scooting the kid in to the building but the girl has turned into stone even as her shriekfest intensifies. I shout down the hall. “Hey your Majesty! I can’t hold this door forever!” over the screams of the demon child and I finally see the Queen huff back over and grab her daughter while giving me a loud "rolling your eyes" tsk at me coupled with a nasty sneer. I just let the door go and walked away. It turns out I can let the door shut in someone's face after all!

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 29

Oldest and Angus were lying on the floor giggling over a book. I peered over their shoulders and noticed they had the school yearbook open before them. They were pointing at pictures of boys in different classes and different grades in their school and giggling.

"That's Michael," Oldest says. They both start giggling hard.

Oh No! My heart sank. Are they already thinking about cute boys? They're so young! I'm not ready for this! I lean forward, eavesdropping.

"Don't sit anywhere he's sat. He picks his nose and wipes it everywhere!" Oldest says. "One time he handed in his paper, and there was a big booger right in the middle of his math test! And if he gets mad at you he'll flick his boogers at you!"

Angus shrieks in disgust. She then turns the page and points at another boy. "That's Gary! When we have tator tots for lunch, he sticks them up his nose and then eats them!"

Oldest guffaws, slapping her hands over her face and then turns back to point at another girl. "That's Gina! She's the one that threw up all over Ryan in class."

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" They both howl.

I walk away, a broad smile on my face. Their shrieks of disgust filling me with warmth and love... and relief.

And the Winner is.....

The winner who entered with the most entries, stacking the deck in her favor when it came down to draw, is.......... Aerin!!!

The winner of the poetry contest with Cindy's favorite poem is..... Absolute Vanilla!!!

Here is her winning poem:

Nibbling silkworm larvae (chop suey and dim sum)
gives a girl great powers,
creates wings of silver
and a unique digestive hum
on which a Phoenix rises...

I just want to say, you had me at dim sum...

We had some runner ups who will receive a beautiful bookmark and signed bookplate from Cindy. They are:

zxcvbnm
nodizzies
allegore
cindy
kelly
jenniferwriter
katterly
beth

So congrats to all our winners. Please email me your contact information at ello.echo@gmail.com.

Thanks again to everyone for entering the contest and helping spread the word for Cindy's debut!

I have had so much fun that I think I'll have to throw more contests with irresistible prizes like this. Or maybe I should stick to delicious silkworm larvae treats in a styrofoam cup, complete with toothpicks.


Who wouldn't wanna win a nice treat like that? I know y'all are dying to enter, right? So how about some odes? Sonnets? Picturegrams? Anybody? Hello? Hello? Where'd everyone go?

Contest is Over!

So the contest is officially over, thank you so much to everyone for entering! It has been awesome to see how far we have reached out to new bloggers everywhere to spread the word of the Silver Phoenix rising! And the poems! Wow! Very cool guys!

So we will announce the winners on Monday morning.

Since I am slowly recuperating from the dreaded stomach flu and snapping at everyone that I did not have the swine flue, I am a little harried. BUT am better and will be ready to entrance you with my stunning wit and come around to harass I mean come visiting y'all real soon!

Til then, here's a politically incorrect video that you will either find really offensive or really hysterical. I only take credit if it is the latter. FYI - I want to make note that why this is so funny is not because of the offensive racist language slurs here to 7 different cultures, but that it pokes fun at the ignorance of the British woman who is mouthing the ridiculousness. And it allows us to be ok saying "Hey that's RACIST!" while laughing our ass off at the racist white woman. OK We Cool now?

So sick...

The other day Angus woke up and promptly vomited. Seven hours later, so did I. I'm so glad I raised my children to share everything.

The last 24 hours has been difficult to say the least. And I'm inundated with papers and proposals to grade, even though I feel as fresh as a dried up cow turd and my insides are quivering like half set jello.

The contest is still going on til Saturday. But we also have some great news. Stephen Parrish, has just landed himself a book deal!!! Congratulations Stephen!

So sorry that I will not be making the rounds! But please come by this weekend when Cindy and I announce the winners of the contest. And please pray for me that I don't vomit on my students during their final presentations.

Interview with Cindy on the Enchanted Inkpot

So the contest is still going on. You have until Saturday to get your entries in. And I gotta say - WOW to all those who've participated! Thanks to you all for linking up sending new people and spreading the word for Cindy's book! And amazing poetry entries everyone!

And since today is Cindy's official book launch day, I would like to point you over to the Enchanted Inkpot where Cindy has graciously agreed to be interviewed... for the 100th time of course!

Keep your entries rolling in on the post below and Good luck everyone!

Also Cindy has another awesome contest on her own blog for her original artwork! I'm way excited about that but was torn about linking here as I would like to win the artwork for my own greedy self. But I'll be a good sport and link it here. Good luck to me!

And I couldn't leave well enough alone. I have to throw up this funny clip because you have to understand that in this very same situation, I would be the guy laughing in the face of death.

Contest to Win an Autographed Copy of the Silver Phoenix!!!

I am so excited to host a contest for the amazing Cindy Pon and her debut novel The Silver Phoenix which is coming out in a few days on April 28th. If you are a Goodreads friend of mine, you should have already seen my short review. If you are not, why aren't you? But here is my teaser review:

Silver Phoenix is beyond exciting and exotic! It is original and not afraid to push the line. In Chen Yong, Cindy has created the perfect hero. One that any reader could easily fall for. But in Ai Ling, she has truly outdone herself. Ai Ling is smart, tough, funny, sweet, brave, and absolutely lovable. What I love about her character is that she is young and therefore headstrong and will make rash decisions, but she is not stupid and so even if she makes a wrong choice, she rethinks and ultimately makes the right ones. Both MCs are utterly sympathetic, which makes Silver Phoenix a captivating read, but throw in horrifying monsters and amazing legends and you've got a book that I guarantee is like none you've read before.

I loved Silver Phoenix, and I know I will not be alone. Already I have been clamoring for the sequel. I need more Chen Yong and Ai Ling!

And if that doesn't have you salivating for more, here is Cindy's AWESOME book trailer! (note - if the side of the trailer is cut off for you, click on the second button from the right to take it to full screen!)



So now on to the contest! Here are the rules:

There are two signed copies to be won as well as a few signed bookplates and bookmarks for consolation prizes which features Cindy's Chinese Brush Art. And if you have never seen Cindy's brush art, go here and be in awe of her talent!

So there are three ways to enter.

1. If you are a blogger, all you have to do is link this contest post on your blog with a short mention of the book. That's an automatic entry to win one of the copies. Come back and comment on this post to let us know your post is up.

2. If you are a nonblogger or if you don't feel like doing a post on your own blog, then another option is to tell us about a new blogger. If you know a blogger who may not know about Cindy's book or has never came by this wondrous amazing blog of mine, then simply leave them a comment on their blog inviting them to enter the contest and then leave a comment here with a link to your invite. The more new bloggers you invite and link to, the more raffle chances you get so spread the word!!!

3. For the second copy, anybody can enter simply by writing a short poem, could be a haiku, incorporating Silver Phoenix into the poem or you can write a love poem incorporating a food item. And please remember, you are trying to win the contest, so food should be delicious and unlike this. Limit for this third option is one poem per person. Winning poem will be chosen by Cindy (with my input!).

The contest will remain open until next Saturday giving everyone one whole week to enter. So remember everyone has a minimum of 3 chances to win if you enter in all 3 contest opportunities. But with number 2, you can increase the number of your raffle entries with every new invite. And don't forget, the consolation prizes are really nice too! So go spread the word and leave all entries in the comments of this blog post.

Good luck everyone!!!!!

FIRST AN ANNOUNCEMENT! Make sure you come back this Saturday for a big contest I'm having to win signed copies of Cindy Pon's amazing new debut book Silver Phoenix! Don't forget!

Soooooooo, looks like Da Man did alright for ElloEarth Day. He had a family friend (LF) come and babysit. Who, by the way, is the only person next to my sister that my girls actually want babysitting for them. Usually we get a babysitter and its all "Mommy don't go! Take us with you! You're stunting our emotional development, blah blah whine whine." But when it is LF or my sister, they try to push us out the door and tell us not to rush home. So last night it was all "Bye! Have fun! Go to Vegas! Don't come back til real late!"

We went out to a great dinner at Mortons where I proceeded to prove that I am truly a pig by eating a large steak dinner complete with chocolate souffle. Soufflay, Hoooray! Da Man could not finish his and I literally shoveled the last of his souffle into the gaping abyss that is my mouth. But all during dinner, I kept waiting for my present. Which never materialized. Puzzled we headed home where we found the kids and LF had baked us cupcakes and made us chocolate covered strawberries which I could not eat for I had transformed into a walking souffle by this point. But in the middle of the beautiful arrangement of cupcakes and strawberries, there was an old sneaker box. I opened the box and inside I found a pair of my tennis shoes - the ones I've been wearing to play tennis in every week. Before I could flip out about my dirty tennis shoes on the kitchen table, I notice that underneath the dirty sole of my shoe is this:

So even though his presentation left much to be desired, he is off the hook ... for now.

Ok so I'm putting up this video of an 11 year old Korean boy who is an absolute whiz at the guitar. How amazing is he? He only picked up the guitar a few years ago. Apparently he learns a new song in a few days and then uploads a video of himself onto youtube.



Lastly, at the Enchanted Inkpot, Cindy has interviewed Kathleen Duey, author of Skin Hunger about her new twitter novel. So check it out!

ElloEarth Day!

I always find that my luck gets better as I approach my birthday. I’m not sure why. Perhaps in part because my parents would always say “Things always get better after Ellen’s birthday.” I guess I took it to heart, but it is a charm that I’ve been happy to have.

So this week, as we approached Ello Earth Day, little things have been making my days. Like for example, I drank nearly a whole carafe of delicious sangria by myself Saturday night but did not have a hangover the next day. Oldest’s poem won a national contest and will be published in a poetry book. I broke 50 listeners on blip.fm and now have a shiny star on my picture. My two posts at the Enchanted Inkpot have been well received. I was invited to come in and speak about writing to the entire second grade at Angus’s school. The last dozen Krispy Kremes I ate went to my chest instead of my ass in a discernible difference only I can see. I dyed my hair and managed to cover all of my gray instead of leaving streaks like I usually do, or staining my ears and forehead with attractive black spots that looks like dirt for several days.

And today I went to buy a pair of jeans and the earth, in honor of ElloEarth Day, stopped revolving for the 10 minutes it took to me to try on and buy a pair of size 8 jeans. Oh my gosh. I haven’t fit into a size 8 since before Oldest was born! And for all my tall friends who remind me that size 10 is not big. Keep in mind I’m only 5’3” so fitting into an 8 is just about right for me! And I did it all on the Krispy Kreme diet! At least for today, as tomorrow I’ll put on the size 8 and my ass will burst out of the back pockets like a squashed tomato oozing out of its skin.

So today as I was driving Youngest to school, there was a torrential downpour. Then it hailed and sleeted and hailed again before another torrential downpour. But when I got out of the car to take Youngest into school, it stopped raining. Rub me, for today I am good luck. But the nicest part of ElloEarth Day has been opening my email yesterday and today and seeing the outpouring of birthday wishes I’ve received on my blog, facebook, my Enchanted Inkpot yahoo group board, and twitter. I am verclempt. I admit it. I got teary eyed. Thank you everyone. You all are so awesome!

But what about Da Man, you ask. He is not having such a good day. Last night I got mad at him. We were at the mall with the kids and he hands me his credit card and says “Why don’t you go down to the Apple store and buy yourself your birthday present.” To which I responded, “You lazy bastard. I tell you exactly what to get me and you’re too lazy to go and get it?” I should have gone down to the jewelry store and bought myself my diamond ring but I didn’t want to be embarrassed when his card gets declined so I just huffed away.

In return for his careless disregard of the power of ElloEarth Day, apparently this morning Da Man got a $100 ticket for making an illegal right turn. And the woman cop was mean to him. He was also out of gas and late for work. While he was getting gas, he got rained on with that torrential downpour I mentioned earlier that missed me. He then raced to the metro parking lot only to find that there were no more parking spaces and he had to wait around til 10:00 for one of the reserved spots to open up, making him really late for work. As he walked out of the parking lot and into the metro, he got rained upon again. He’s in a pretty foul mood today. Poor guy. But I bet none of that would have happened if only he had bought me my diamond ring, or at least had made the effort of buying my ipod nano in blue and handed it over this morning as was expected but which did not happen.Oh well, sucks to be him.

But apparently he’s hired a babysitter for tonight and is taking me out to Morton’s for a steak dinner. Red meat usually makes me happy. He may redeem himself just yet. Tune in tomorrow for the next episode of As the ElloEarth Turns.

Earth day is My day

That's right. April 22nd is my day. Apparently I have to share it with the Earth. Yeah I already share something else in common with the earth that is big and round. I guess I can share my day too. Although I would appreciate it if we referred to April 22nd from now on as Ello Earth Day to be fair. Why does it always have to be about the Earth? Sheesh. Mother Nature needs to stop being so selfish. All I hear is Earth day this and Earth day that. And what everyone has got to do for the good of the earth. And on earth day be good to the earth, blah blah blah. Enough already! I need to exert my birthday privileges. On Ello day be good to Ello.

So quick note for Da Man - Wonder what I want for my birthday? See picture below:


Note to Da Man. It's been 15 years. I am still waiting for my diamond ring. It is now at 3 carats. Every year you make me wait, I add another 1/4 of a carat. I don't care if it is so big I gotta put it on a metal chain and hoist it on my back. I don't care if it's so heavy my left hand drags on the ground. I don't care if it costs more than your car. Your car is crap anyway. I want it big and sparkly.

Please do not cut out this picture and place it in a jewelry box and give it to me. Please do not try to pass off Youngest's cubic zirconia with the expandable ring. Please do not buy me flowers wrapped in newspaper from the guy on the street corner. Please do not buy me a hallmark card that plays "Tequila." Please do not buy me sexy lingerie, unless you plan on wearing it yourself. Please do not buy me kitchen goods or other household items and pretend that they are a gift when they are clearly obvious attempts at forcing me to be a better "housewife." Please don't make me kick your ass. Please do not whine and complain about being a poor government lawyer, blah blah blah. Boo hoo. Too bad. Go sell a kidney and get me my ring. You have one day.

PS - Alright stop crying you big baby and keep your stinking kidney. Just get me an ipod nano in blue and I'll let you off the hook for now. But don't forget, our wedding anniversary is in August...

At the Inkpot and a funny commercial

I have a co-post with Deva over at The Enchanted Inkpot on gender roles in fantasy books. So I'm back begging you to go over and read and comment. Thanks to everyone who tried last time but couldn't. This time, anonymous commenting has been enabled so you can definitely comment! I may have been a little more controversial this time as I addressed the fact that Asian societies are inherently sexist and even violent towards women. So take a gander and let me know what you think.

And in the meantime, I shall leave you with this funny commercial. I can't understand a word that is being said either and doubt that they are speaking Korean. But you don't need to know what they are saying. Just watch til the end.

Do Zombies Crap?

Lately I've been on a zombie kick. I read the Forest of Hands and Teeth and 28 weeks later has been playing on HBO. And I just saw a review for Pride and Prejudice and Zombies which I gotta buy!

So last night I had a normal husband and wife conversation with Da Man about zombies. Cause in the beginning of 28 weeks later, the stupid husband abandons his wife to the zombies as he flees for his life. So I ask Da Man what he would do.

Da Man - That depends. How close is the zombie to you?

Me - You mean you'd let the zombies get me?

Da Man - (pauses) No honey. If there was a chance I could save you, I would.

Me - And if you couldn't?

Da Man - Then you be a zombie. And I run away before I have to kill you.

Me - Sheesh, the least you could do is shoot me.

Da Man gets all upset - How could I shoot you? You mean if I turned into a zombie you'd shoot me?

Me - Yep.

Da Man - You wouldn't let me live out my life as a zombie?

Me - Why would you want to be a zombie? Eating people's brains and constantly crapping your pants. Cause you know, what you eat has got to come out again and it isn't like zombies are going to be using a toilet and wet wipes.

Da Man - Only my wife would come up with that.

Me - I have to admit to being more disturbed over the idea of walking around constantly crapping my pants than the idea of eating human flesh.

Da Man - They might not crap their pants. They might have the type of physiology where everything they eat turns to energy and they have no waste product.

Me - Don't give me that. Zombies smell really bad right? Ergo - shit their pants.

Da Man - You are a sick sick woman.

Me - Look who's talking! You'd let the zombies get me.

Da Man - Well maybe if you shit your pants, you'll smell like a zombie and they won't eat you.

Me - Dude, I think anyone running away from a zombie has already crapped their pants. It's probably like musk to them.

Da Man - There's something wrong with you.

Random Funny Things My Mom says

So I was over at my folks for a short visit last week with the kids when I happened to notice that my Mom keeps watching the French channel. When I asked her why she said, "Your sister married a Frenchman, so I need to learn French."

Me - By watching the French news?

Mom - Yes, same like English. How you think I learn good English? From watching TV.

Me - Riiiiiiiight.

Later on that night, I come home to find my Mom still watching TV, but something has changed.

Me - I thought you said you was trying to learn French?

Mom - I am.

Me - Then why are you watching the Italian news?

Mom - Italian? Waaaaaaaah? No wonder I don't know what they talking about!

Me - Riiiiiiiight.

Gassy Gus

Today at the toy store, Oldest and I found the perfect present for Angus.

Apparently your supposed to feed Gus all sorts of gassy foods like broccoli and baked beans and pump up his belly. At a certain point, he lets out a humongous stinky fart (not sure if smell is included). The first person to feed all their food to Gus without him farting wins.

Although technically we don't need this game to have a gassy blast. Angus provides us with all the gassy entertainment we need. And at $30.00 bucks, our version is cheaper, but stinkier.

Random Funny Things My Kids say - Part 28

The other day the girls were joking around when Angus presses her nose up and says "Who am I?" The girls laugh and Oldest shouts out "Oh my gosh, you look just like _____ from tae kwon do!"

I immediately chide them for making fun of another person, reminding them that making fun of things a person can't change is mean and rude.

"I'm not making fun of her, Mommy!" Angus states. "I'm just making a connection. A connection between a pig nose and her nose. That's all. It's just making connections! What's so mean about that?"

"You know you are being really mean, now stop it."

Angus pauses. "But I'm not. For example, I noticed you ate sour cream and onion potato chips and now your breath is stinky. I am not being mean. I'm just making a connection between your stinky breath and the potato chips!"

That's one mean smart girl.

Fantasy in Asia

Today I'm camped out over at the Enchanted Inkpot hoping for some discussion about my post on "Fantasy in Asia." So please please PLEASE will you go here and make some sort of comment even if it is to yell at me for posting such a long ass post? Even if all you do is tell me I bored you to tears? But it would be even better if you could share your opinions on the very interesting subject matter, but beggars can't be choosers.

So Ima beggin' ya, please go and comment. And if you do, I will reward you all! There will be a contest coming soon to win an awesome prize at the end of the month just for commenting... Ok this is a lie, I was going to have a contest anyway to raffle off 2 signed copies of Cindy Pon's new book (how awesome am I? and how awesome is Cindy?). But it would really mean a lot to me if I had lots and lots of wonderful comments over at the Enchanted Inkpot so that all the real published authors I'm hanging out with see that I am pretty darn useful to have around.

Alright groveling over, knuckles are cracking...

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 27

My parents were over for the weekend and were watching the kids. We had eaten dinner and the kids forgot to clear the table.

Mom: You kids have to do more to help around the house.

Oldest: We do! We clean up our rooms and put away our stuff.

Mom: No, that's just your stuff. You need to do more to help your mother.

Angus: Like what?

Mom: When your mother was little she did lots to help. She mopped the floor, set the table, made dinner, did the laundry, washed the dishes, and lots more.

The kids stare at my Mom in shock.

Angus whispers to Oldest: Poor Mommy, I'm so glad Grandma isn't our Mommy. She's mean.

Youngest: Grandma, Angus called you mean!

Angus: I meant she was mean to Mommy. Not now! You are a nice Grandma! The bestest nicest most wonderful Grandma in the whole world. (Way to work for that birthday present!) But well, you were kind of, sort of, a little bit mean to Mommy.

Youngest: Yeah like a wicked stepmother mean.

Grandma just laughs.

Angus turns to me: Did Daddy have to work like a slave for his Mommy too?

Me: No.

Oldest cuts in: He's lucky.

Me: No, it's cause he's a boy.

Oldest: Oh yeah, boys are useless.

The Enchanted Inkpot

Hey guys! I want to share with you the launch of a new collaborative blog that I have been working on that goes live April 1st! I want to share with you the press release and invite you all to come by and take a tour. The beautiful artwork on the header is by my wonderful illustrator buddy Virginia Allyn and we are featuring lots of amazing authors whose debut books will be coming soon. So spread the word and come on by for some fascinating discussion on kidlit fantasy!

The Enchanted Inkpot Blog to Focus on Kidlit Fantasy

March 30, 2009 — Twenty writers (and one illustrator) of middle-grade and young-adult fantasy have joined forces to launch The Enchanted Inkpot (EI), a collaborative blog focused on high, historical, traditional and cross-genre fantasy. EI is located at The Enchanted Inkpot.

"The idea was to create a blogging community for people who write, read, or otherwise adore fantasy stories written for middle grade and young adult readers," said blog founder Marissa Doyle, author of Bewitching Season (Henry Holt, 2008) and Betraying Season (September 2009), young adult fantasies set in Regency England. "Authors who write MG and YA fantasy are among the most vociferous supporters of this genre, so they're forming the nucleus of the group, but we hope that anyone who loves fantasy for kids and teens will participate."

EI will feature interviews with established fantasy writers as well as newcomers to the genre. April will feature an interview with Elizabeth C. Bunce, whose A Curse Dark as Gold (2008) won the American Library Association's first-ever Morris Award for a debut young adult novel. In May, Tamora Pierce, bestselling author of Melting Stones (Circle Reforged), Terrier, the classic Song of the Lioness novels and other award-winning YA fantasies, will talk about her newest YA book, Bloodhound.

EI will also celebrate its own members, kicking off with an interview with Ellen Jensen Abbot, whose debut YA novel, Watersmeet, will be released in April by Marshall Cavendish. Two other EI members' books also debut in April: Deva Fagan's fairy tale novel, Fortune's Folly (Henry Holt), and Cindy Pon's Asian-inspired Silver Phoenix: Beyond the Kingdom of the Xia (Greenwillow). A detailed list of all members' published books is provided under the Member Bios section of the blog.

To foster community and reader participation, the blog will devote the first day or two of every week to a Topic of the Week. In April, the first week's topic will be "fantasy in Asia," followed the second week by a discussion of how you "write what you know" in a fantasy novel.

Finally, EI will offer a monthly book club and other features as well as contests, quizzes, and news of members and others in the industry.

Warning - this little piggy is about to blow!

Here's the thing. I drive a big ass mini-van. Honda Odyssey to be precise. This is not a small car. It does not have a small turning radius. To make a right turn, I swing out a little wide in order to avoid hitting the curb. That means if I am turning into traffic, the lane next to the one I am turning into has to be clear too, or I risk hitting another car. Take a look at an 18 wheeler. Ever seen one of those suckers turn? They gotta swing out all the way to the left before making a right, and then take up all 3 lanes in order to make a right hand turn and sometimes they still get stuck.

I would think this is really simple for people to understand. Big wide car, big wide swing. But no. For some reason, people in small cars think big cars are just like them. No, dumbass, we are not. So quit honking at me Mr. ThinksHe'sSoHotGangsterRapPlayingNerdyBoy driving his little ass toyota corolla with the big ugly whale tail sticking out of its pathetic little trunk space like a guppie with an identity crisis. Rockville Pike is a very heavily trafficked road with cars driving way over 60mph. And on top of all this, you stupid little cretin. I am driving a mini-van, ergo, I probably have kids in said mini-van. I am not about to jeopardize my children's lives just because you are late heading home to surf the internet for hot dates and heavy double-clicking action with Ms. Lilly of the Valley who is actually some fat dude in Pasadena named Larry. So back off!

That is all.

Why doth spring despiseth me tho mush?

Blame the springtime allergies for sounding like Elmer Fudd. I love this time of the year when the sun shines bright and the air is crisp and clean and filled with pollen that attacks my sinuses and reddens my eyes and leaves me with a constant drippy nose. It appears that spring hates me as much as I love it. I can honestly blame spring for my eternal bewilderment at myself lately. My stupidity has escalated to troublesome levels. My right brain is constantly in a fight with my left brain and one of them is a stupidhead!

Today I grabbed a fresh towel, turned on the shower and walked in to the hot spray... with towel in hand... and my socks still on. (Look my socks were clearly dirty.) I stubbed my little toe three times in a row on a pile of books that I keep telling myself to move every time I stub my toe on it, and yet it is still there. I finally moved it to the corner of the coffee table where I promptly walked into with my knee, knocking them all off and onto the same stubbed toe.

Last night, realizing that I was completely out of zyrtec, I call Da Man, who was working late, and ask him to pick up some milk, bread and zyrtec on the way home. He calls me and remembered the milk and bread but couldn't remember the last item. Having no idea what I had previously asked for in my stupidhead stage, I enthusiastically replied "donuts" instead. So instead of allergy free relief, I had a glazed donut and... ok you know the pun I was going to make...

For the second time in a week, I have clicked into my google reader and instead of clicking to start reading all the new blog posts, I click mark all read and watch them disappear from my screen. All 581 posts. I have no idea who has posted new stuff now. I feel lost and betrayed by my own brain and rotten finger. At least I know 300 of them were from laughing wolf so I know I can always count on him for new stuff. Ok I exaggerate, Tony only had 286 new posts that I missed. ;o) I feel so lost without my google reader telling me what to read. I twiddle my thumbs and absently click on it a few times, but it still tells me I have no new posts to read.

As I was writing this post,I absently clicked on my homepage where my google reader is stationed in its own tab box, and realized I had clicked away from my blog post without saving it. Luckily for me blogger is liking me today, and it saved half of my post and you lucky people don't have to read more of my random stupidity involving q-tips, powdered donuts, vaseline, ripped pants hem, stairs, hair dye and a verizon technician, but not necessarily altogether.

I'm going to stop now before I break my computer and go blip music instead, cause while music can't cure stupidity, it forgives it.

blip.fm

Those of you who don't know what blip.fm (like me 48 hours ago) are probably thinking what the heck is it? Well it is another website meant to suck up more of your already overtaxed time schedule... but if you love music, this place is awesome! Forget twitter and facebook, I could easily spend all my time at blip because I can search and play all my favorite songs and also see what my friends are playing and see if our musical tastes compliment or collide. I have discovered some awesome new music this way and am enjoying myself way too much. Like all things, I'm sure it is the relative novelty of it that I'm enjoying right now, but me thinks the musical component of it is what will keep me coming back. (Oh and you can link it to twitter and FB if you want!)

So if you love music, want to see some of my favorite songs and share some of your favorite songs with me, then find me at blip.fm/Ello and become a listener. If you are already on blip, then let me know so I can favorite you.

Try it out, you just might like it!

Only a true friend will tell you when you look like an ass

I was sitting at Starbucks grading papers and sitting next to a table of two little old ladies chatting loudly. I had been snorting softly into my chai tea as one of the ladies named Helen, a silver-haired pudgy lady with wrinkles like a basset hound and a voice like Lauren Bacall, was just cracking me up commenting in a loud slightly deaf manner about the shortcomings of various old ladies who apparently didn't know their ass from their elbows. Suddenly the other granny perks up at the sight of another friend entering the shop.

"Oh look Helen, there's Margie, and what on earth is she wearing?" asks the nicer granny.

I'm facing Helen, so I get a perfect view of her open mouthed expression as her triple chins drops to her chest. I turn around and see a stylish old lady in a lovely white coat and a matching white turban with a large jewel in the middle.

"Hi ladies," she beams as she takes off her coat and sits down. "Sorry I'm late but I couldn't do a thing with my hair." She pats at her turban and tries to tuck in a stray curl that slips out from the top of her forehead.

Helen finally closes her mouth and announces "You look like an ass!"

"Helen!" the nice granny chides.

"What? Look at it! Just look at it!"

"You're the ass!" Margie huffs furiously turning to the other woman. "I swear, can you believe her? I don't know how we put up with her sometimes!"

"No, no, you look lovely!" the other friend soothes.

Helen peers closely at the turban as Margie tries to shoo her away with an irritated wave.

"Well, so YOU don't look like an ass, but that thing on your head does. It looks like a wrinkly white ass that hasn't been waxed," she says. "You just look like a moron!" Helen sits back and nods with dignity.

Tears are escaping my stinging eyes as I desperately try not to snort in hysterical laughter. Helen catches my eye and says, "Go ahead and laugh before you wet yourself dearie!"

Too late!

I think I want to adopt her.

The Wonder Girls

The world is getting smaller because of the internet. And we have the ability to see and hear things from other countries and cultures that would have been virtually impossible twenty years ago. With MTV bringing us global videos and Youtube's reach, we can get a slice of the world anywhere.

So today I'll show you K-pop, which is short for Korean pop music. It is only fitting and just that I give you an example of some great K-pop after the hair curling Korean karoake video from last week.

And while it is bubble gum pop, I can't help but like it. One because the video cracks me up. You'll know why as soon as you see it. Hey! It must be in our blood or something. Koreans just love toilet humor!!! But this group is a little different. It's bubble gum pop with an R&B 60s twist. They are not the Dreamgirls, but the Wonder girls are pretty darn cool. Oh and while there are no subtitles, I think the video is pretty self-explanatory. And if you don't get it, the message is, always check for toilet paper!

The Modern Toilet Restaurant

This is not my fault. If you are looking to blame anyone for this post, blame the incredibly talented artist Scott Mattlin. It is all his fault. He sent me this link and I have been incredibly grossed out and hysterical about it.

And so I must pass the pain on.

The Modern Toilet is apparently a popular restaurant chain in China where you get to pretend you are in the bathroom while you are eating. You sit on gold toilets and eat out of black potties.
And the soft serve ice cream in a small urinal looks like this.

I stole this from their website. "The arrival of the “Modern Toilet Restaurant” launches the next generation of toilet-themed restaurants! More variety, better service! With new ideas and new products, our goal is to become “The No. 1 Brand in Themed Chain Restaurants” (In an age where creative marketing is king, even feces can be turned into gold!)" http://www.moderntoilet.com.tw

I have serious potty humor. I know it. You all know it. And this is perfect potty humor. But you see, that's where I've gotta draw the line. It's probably because I have serious OCD, I can laugh my ass over this concept but actually going there to eat would probably freak me out way too much!

To quote Angus, "What if someone decides to go to the bathroom as they are eating? That would be disgusting!"

Oh yes! That would be so disgusting!

Funny Flight of Concords video

So I love this show. If you never have seen it, you should catch it on HBO because it is hysterical. But the reason I'm including this clip right now is because it is spot on classic Korean Karaoke at its best! The cheesy video, the swinging Lawrence Welk music, the messed up lyrics. If you go to Koreatown NYC (32nd street) there's about 20 of these Korean Karoake places where you can rent a room with a big screen tv and sing a huge range of songs from American and Korean to even Japanese and Chinese. The nice thing is that you are in your own room so you can make a fool of yourself in a private room filled with your drunk friends.

Seriously, this kills me because at my wedding my parents, who hosted a 350 person wedding solely to invite every Korean in New York that owed them some money, had hired a painful Korean band. And a bunch of drunk Korean ajushi's (Korean for older man who may or may not be drunk but is always loud) got up and started singing... badly... like this... I have it on video... it sucks...this is way better!



Did I ever mention that Da Man was drunk during the entire wedding ceremony? He swayed like a drunken sailor all during the vows. The wedding officant was so nervous he forgot to say the vows in English so neither of us recall ever saying we do and all the non Koreans assumed that Da Man had been traded for 2 oxen and a flock of sheep. I would have preferred a 2 carat diamond which I am still waiting for...

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 26

We are in the car driving to take the older two to Korean school which Angus loathes. Stuck in traffic, Youngest lets out a huge burp. Recently this little critter has been letting out linebacker sized burps which is hysterical coming from this tiny 5 year old frame.

In the car, the girls are cracking up over the loud burp when Youngest rips out another, huger one. It's actually quite startling.

So I ask her, "Are you burping on purpose?"

"Yes," she answers with a big grin. "My body is a burp factory."

Angus is howling and shouts, "Do another!!!"

Youngest opens her mouth and nothing comes out.

"Sorry," she says. "The factory is now closed."

This is sad, sad, sad...

For the first time in Ivy League history, an Asian American has been appointed President. Dr. Jim Young Kim, a Korean American, has been announced as the next Dartmouth College President. Instead of celebrating this wonderful occasion, his announcement was marred by the following email sent through the Dartmouth listserv:

Date: March 3, 2009 11:06:39 AM EST
To: GOOD-MORNING@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Subject: Good Morning

This is the Generic Good Morning Message for March 3, 2009.

Yesterday came the announcement that President of the College James Wright will be replaced by Chinaman Kim Jim Yong. And a little bit of me died inside.

It was a complete supplies.

On July 1, yet another hard-working American's job will be taken by an immigrant willing to work in substandard conditions at near-subsistent wage, saving half his money and sending the rest home to his village in the form of traveler's checks. Unless "Jim Yong Kim" means "I love Freedom" in Chinese, I don't want anything to do with him. Dartmouth is America, not Panda Garden Rice Village Restaurant.

Y'all get ready for an Asianification under the guise of diversity under the actual Malaysian-invasion leadership instituted under the guise of diversity. It's a slippery slope we are on. I for one want Democracy and apple pie, not Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen. I know I sure as shit won't ever be eating my Hop dubs bubs with chopsticks. I like to use my own two American hands.

The e-mail was sent to students and alumni and was supposedly a satirical compilation of the day's news written by a student intern. Apparently the author "of the original e-mail apologized for “inappropriate” and “insensitive” comments in an e-mail to the GGMM listserv on Tuesday, saying that the comments were intended to be satirical. The GGMM staff also offered a follow-up apology, saying they regretted their lack of oversight." (Dartmouth.com) Apparently the author has not been punished as it was decided that this matter "did not warrant college disciplinary action" because Dartmouth has no speech code. Nice Dartmouth! Link for article.

Wow. Trying to write this off by saying it is not racist because it was just a joke is nearly as offensive as the email itself. And no disciplinary action taken? Ok, fine, but can you at least post up the writer's name and home address please? Me and a billion other Chinamen would like to meet with him in person. And for the record, a billion other people who are not Asian but are just as offended by this horrible email will also line up behind us.

Seriously, this is so not funny - well, it's probably funny... if you are a racist. I bet the neo-Nazis and the KKK were howling over this one. And once again, the comments and responses remind us that being racist towards Asians is just par for the course. What's the big deal? It's just a bad joke! Get over it! Reminds me of the whole Miley Cyrus episode. Comments are nearly identical. What's the big deal? They are just kidding around! Stop overreacting! In fact, in my Miley post, even after I made a plea to people to understand that the chinky eyes was offensive and racist to us Asian Americans, someone still posted a comment telling me I was overreacting. Yes a non-Asian, who has no idea of what it feels like to be called a slanty eyed chink, telling me I was overreacting. Thanks. So yeah, there is this complacency in society that seems to accept racism towards Asians as not being racist and if someone like me objects to it, well just roll your eyes and sneer at us chinky eyed, bad driving, buck-toothed, math loving nerds.

Historically, Asians have had a difficult time in this country. From the Chinese Exclusion Act to the Japanese internment camps. Let's not forget how Hawaii's rightful monarch was overthrown in order to be annexed by the US so that native Hawaiian's would be stripped of their property all for the benefit of the USA. But why is it that Asian's don't speak up? Many believe it is because our very culture teaches us to swallow bile and repress our anger. But no longer. We cannot be the silent minority any longer.

To all the Asians out there, stop swallowing the Chink jokes. Stop being quiet over the slanty-eyed comments, the bad driving and the Charlie Chan impersonations. There is enough outrage out there from all the communities to support our own. Racists are loud and ugly, but they are the minority now. And we need to teach them that this isn't funny. We need to teach them to stop passing on this demeaning hate to their children. We can't afford to be quiet anymore. Black, white, Asian, Latino, Jewish, Arab, Muslim, Hindi, whatever you are, the world is changing. The time is right to speak up. Join me, for I am shouting.

A Thousand Words

Stole this from Angry Asian Man whom I adore. Reminds me a lot of my own angry asian man at home...

Anyway, this is a great short movie by the extremely talented young director, Ted Chung. I hope you enjoy it.


A Thousand Words from Ted Chung on Vimeo.

Bundegi - A Yummy New Treat Sensation Or Not

In the brand new opening of my revised Seven Kingdoms manuscript, I open up with a scene about bundegi, a popular Korean treat. So I thought I would share with you a little bit about this tasty little snack.

This is Bundegi - boiled silkworm larvae

Copyright ksbuehler via Creative Commons license

Doesn't it just look appealing? How scrumptious! They look similar to the huge ass water bugs that crawl around the subway platforms in NYC and they smell like some kind of wonderful that you will never forget. Yes, this is all hearsay. I've never been to Seoul so I have no idea what this is like, but I have been told by many that they are an unforgettable smell. Like a mix between rotten garbage and pungent old dirty socks filled with really old gorgonzola cheese. But wait, you can't go by smell! After all, some of the creamiest and most delicious cheese in the world smells horrendously gag worthy.

So then what does it taste like? Well, apparently they are very juicy little critters that takes you by surprise when they squirt its creamy, salty, briny innard goodness in your mouth, leaving you with the unpleasant sensation of not knowing whether to spit or swallow. Hey, I think more men should try this snack! And apparently it tastes sort of like muddy kidney beans.

I'm sorry, but this is considered a popular treat in Korea? Perhaps this is one of those things that is an acquired taste. Unfortunately, I'm not sure why anyone would want to acquire this taste. But that might just be my American side talking here.

Apparently you can buy the stuff at all these little hot dog vendor like stands all over Seoul. Some old Korean lady with the short bad perm job that marks her status as an ajima (korean word for old married lady) boils them up in a big steaming vat and serves them in dixie cups with toothpicks. But for the toothpicks, it would be like popping brown popcorn, right?

So wrong! I was over at my friend's house when she pulled this out of her pantry.

Copyright Todd Mecklem via Creative Commons license

CANNED BUNDEGI!!!!! Said she found it in a local Korean supermarket and had to try it because it reminded her of Seoul. She opens the can and there are like hundreds of these little suckers in this grayish brown dishwater like sauce and she asks me if I want to try one.

Hmmmm, let me think, HELL NO!!!!

But you should try it, for research purposes, she says.

You know, I love research, but to eat something that looks and smells like a turd is just never gonna happen, no matter how badly I need the research. So I pass, ever so reluctantly, and she sneers at me as she pops a couple in her mouth. I turn about as gray as the liquid in the can as she laughs at me.

I ask her - Is it supposed to smell like Ass?

She is disgusted with me.

But bundegi sort of sounds like koondengi which is Korean for Ass. I say.

And you call yourself a Korean? she asks.

Nope, I'll call myself Elmer J. Fudd or anything you want, just so I won't have to eat that thing.

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 25

The girls were playing "Restaurant" with their cousin. They printed up menus and set up tables and were pretend cooking up a storm. All of a sudden I hear Angus shout, "You guys President Obama is here with his family!!!"

"Quick set the nice plates out!" "And the pretty napkins!" "Get the diet coke!"

"Someone cook up the hot dogs!" I'm pretty sure that was Youngest.

"Hot dogs? We can't serve them hot dogs!" Angus yells. "We need to serve steak and potatoes!"

"Sorry! No steak, but we have curry rice, sushi and lamb kebobs! Would the president and his family like any of that?" Oldest asks. (Oldest is like me and loves food.)

"I'll take care of it," Angus says. A second later she says, "It's ok, I took care of it, President Obama and his family have left now."

"What happened?" Youngest asks.

"I gave him $20 and told him to come back when we has steak for him!" Angus answers.

"Oh, good job!" the others respond.

Yes, bribing the President with $20. Good job indeed.