Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 45

The problem with middle school is that they make them carry way too much stuff to school and back everyday. Oldest's backpack feels like it weighs 20 pounds. She also has to carry her violin to and from school everyday. That means the poor girl suffers from back strain and exhaustion by the time she gets home. So she really doesn't need to bear any additional weight in her bags.

So today, Oldest gets off the bus and stomps over to me fuming mad.

Me - What happened?

Oldest - One of your daughters stuck this into the bottom of my backpack. (She pulls out a 5 pound hand weight and shoves it at me.)

Me - OMG! (starts laughing hysterically.)

Oldest - It's not funny! Stop laughing! You should feel sorry for me!

Me - I do! This is terrible and really really mean. But it's really really funny too.

Oldest - Mom, they clearly have your sense of humor.

Me - Yes, but don't tell them I laughed. (My money at this time is on Angus.)

So Angus comes home and I immediately ask her if she was the guilty one. She admitted it and asked why I was mad. When I told her Oldest had carried it all day, she was horrified.

Angus - But why didn't she take it out?

Me - Her bag was already heavy and she was in a rush. She didn't realize.

Angus - Well then she's an i-

Me (sharply) - Hey!

Angus - Sorry, Mom. I know that was bad and I feel bad about it, but I really want to laugh too. But you're not laughing and so I know I shouldn't. Is it wrong that I think it's funny?

Me - It's funny after the fact but it wasn't funny for her carrying it all day.

Angus - (hangs her head) I'm really sorry. I'll go talk to her. But even though you are very serious, I bet you're going to laugh about it. Too bad I can't.

With a heavy sigh, she turns to go to her sister's room and I listen to her apologize and make up with her sister. She can laugh about it soon enough. But for now, I'm realizing how fast they are all growing up and it makes me sigh too.

Don't forget to enter my contest of funny overheard things. We've had some amazing snort milk through my nose entries so far. Let's get some more!

Also, you can enter Cindy Pon's fabulous Soulless contest for a chance to win a set of awesome steampunk books!

Prizes for the What's the Funniest Thing you've overheard Contest

So I was trying to figure out prizes for my contest and I didn't have to look too far to figure out what I wanted to give out because I have a big pile of brand new, never read, books that I'm offering up for best prize! The winner will get to pick 4 books from the following offerings:








And why do I have a bunch of brand new, never read books of this marvelous caliber? Simple, I won a signed copy of A Conspiracy of Kings which is not up for grabs, no, no, no. That's mine. So I'm offering up the copy I had bought previous to winning the awesome signed copy which, I repeat, is not up for grabs. I bought the new version of Magic under glass to support books with persons of color on them. The copy I make available is the original one, which some might say may become valuable in its own right. Hmmmm. But here it is! And I was fortunate enough to get a brand new kindle from my lovely sister and brother-in-law. I love my kindle. I went a little crazy with my kindle and bought a bunch of titles without checking to see if I might already have owned such titles already. Hey, don't laugh! At least I have an excuse in saying that it is a different version - an e-book version. Unfortunately, I also have a tendency to go to the bookstore and accidentally buy books I already have also. Ahem. Yes, I'm absent-minded. But that is good for you guys!

So I have a bunch of entries already and I'll extend out the contest til next Monday. Leave your funniest thing overheard in the post below. After Monday, I'll narrow it down to a list of my favorites and have people vote on the winner.

The winner will get to choose 4 out of 5 because 4 is easier to ship than 5. Everyone can enter, but be warned, if you are outside of the US and you win, it may take awhile to get to you!

And just because you have these books already is no reason not to enter. I will gladly donate the books to a school or organization or even send it as a present to someone on your behalf! This prize is completely transferable, with my approval.

So good luck everyone and start eavesdropping!

Whats the funniest thing you've overheard - contest

I was at Barnes and Noble browsing when I overheard the following conversation between two old ladies.

First old lady - These young people are so rude these days!

Second old lady - Tell me about it

First old lady - I mean people don't even respect church anymore. During last mass, this young man sitting next to me left his phone on the pew and it started ringing and vibrating. I mean the thing is vibrating so much it damn near falls off the bench! And this man takes his sweet little old time before he finally turns it off. And right during the homily of all things!

Second old lady - (tut tuts and shakes her head disapprovingly) Disgraceful! Simply disgraceful!

First old lady - So I say to him. I'd tell you to shove that thing where the sun don't shine but I do believe you'd enjoy it too much!

Both ladies start cackling and so do I. I just love eavesdropping.

So what's the funniest thing you've overheard? Share it here and I'll enter you in to win a prize. I don't know what the prize is and I don't know how the funniest thing will be chosen just yet, but I'm in the mood for a contest.

Let the hilarity begin!

Back to School

Oldest is now in middle school. Da Man and I went to Back to School night and was blown away by the stress of shuffling through a huge building with only 4 minutes between classes to get from one room to another in a crazy attempt to follow Oldest's typical day schedule. Wow! Poor kid has classes all over the building. I was huffing and puffing trying to get through the crowds of parents, trying not to get lost, in order to get to the class in time and listen to what was no more than a 7 minute teacher presentation. Several times I left Da Man way behind and he would shuffle into class late. This is where the difference between a New Yorker and a Marylander is strongest. I walk fast. Da Man meanders. Drives me crazy.

So I was in math class, sitting in a small desk chair and feeling like I was back in middle school when Da Man saunters in late and sits in the next row over. As I tried to take notes of what was expected with regards to homework, tests, etc. I hear a "Pssssst" and Da Man passes me the following note:



I did the same thing that I would have done in middle school. I stuck my tongue out at him.

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 44

Sometimes when I drive, the Brooklyn in me just comes out. Like the other day. I've got the green light and I'm making a right turn. I have right of way. But the idiot girl coming from the other direction making a left turn seems to disagree. I drive a big ass minivan. She drives a small hatchback. When I make a right turn, I have to go into the middle lane, I'm just too big to fit nicely into the right lane. If you are going to make a left turn while someone is making a right turn, then the rules of the road dictate that you hug the left lane because you technically don't have right of way. She did not. She swung all the way over to the right lane (3 lanes over!!!) and came within a hairs breath of smashing into me.

I lost it and the Brooklyn in me came out. Unfortunately all 3 girls were in the car at the time. Oldest, who sits in the 3rd row, quickly leans forward and covers Youngest's ears while Angus starts laughing hysterically.

Angus - Mommy, you said the F word, the B word, the S word and some words I never heard before!

Oldest - Daddy's going to be so mad at you.

Youngest - No fair! I didn't hear nothing!

Angus - You're too little. Mommy's mouth is now rated R for restricted.

Youngest - What does that mean?

Angus - It means if little kids hear her bad words Mommy will get arrested!

Youngest gasps loudly - Mommy's going to be arrested?

Angus - Only if we tell on her. (Rubs her hands gleefully.) Now she'll have to be nice to us.

Youngest - Yeah, we don't have to clean our rooms no more!

Oldest - You dopes. It doesn't mean she's going to be arrested. It just means little kids can't see an R movie without an adult.

Angus (whispering to Youngest) - She always spoils our fun.

Youngest - We should call her one of those words Mommy used.

Me - DON'T YOU DARE!!!

First day of school!

Free at last! Free at last!

The house is so quiet I can actually hear myself think. Unfortunately, the only thought going through my head is "Go back to bed!" But that just isn't very productive. Besides the fact that I have to get ready for my own semester to start up again this week. Freedom is so short-lived. Already I'm fielding emails before the semester even begins from nervous students. I'm bracing myself for the onslaught of excuses, favors, extensions, whining, complaining, etc.

And it's not even September yet.

Now I can't wait for December.

Freedom is a relative thing.

But at least the kids are in school.

Sigh. I miss them.

Mockingjay

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

12:01AM Mockingjay released out into the world.


8:30AM Began frantically checking Amazon shipping to see if they'd shipped my copy yet. No, they had not.

9:00AM Had work related call. Every 15 mins, checked Amazon status. Still not shipped.

12:00PM Done with work. Checked Amazon. Not shipped. I begin grinding my teeth.

12:30PM - 3:30PM Took all 3 girls out for lunch and haircuts. Back to back haircuts. At 2 different salons. Check status on iphone. Still not shipped. I begin to fume.

4:00PM Home again. Checked Amazon. Not shipped yet. Begin to curse wildly under my breath. Girls still hear me and threaten to tell Da Man. I bribe them with Hawaiian Shaved Ice which is conveniently located in front of the bookstore. They agree.

4:05PM Cancel my Amazon order and race to bookstore to pick up my copy of Mockingjay. Oldest demands she reads it first. I laugh in her face. She threatens to tell Da Man. I don't care.

4:30PM Buy girls Shaved Ice and try to read first chap as they drip sticky goo onto my flip flops. I don't care. But when gooey drops threaten the pristine pages of my book, I reluctantly put it away and start harassing girls to eat faster.

5:30PM Finally get home. Race upstairs. Lock my door and begin reading.

6:30PM Girls begin whining that they are hungry. I ignore them.

7:00PM Girls threaten to breakdown my door. Da Man is working late so can't make him do it. I reluctantly put down book and make dinner as fast as I can.

7:30PM Made dinner. Want to read. Girls demand I stay and eat with them. Grrrrr.

8:00PM Girls keep asking me to do stuff for them. I get snippy. They get whiny and start fighting. I get yelly. They start crying. I sit and watch a movie with them and eat popcorn while they cuddle up to me.

9:00PM Can no longer tolerate another Disney moment. Order girls to bed, abandon them and race up to finish Mockingjay. Da Man comes home and sees cover. Makes mad grab for it. I nearly bite his finger off. He demands to read it next. Oldest hears, runs over screaming that she's next. I shove them both out and lock door.

10:30PM Finally done. Emotionally spent. Keep rereading final chapter to make sure I didn't miss anything. Can't believe it is done. Can't believe the Hunger Games are over.

What do I have to look forward to now?

Well, Suzanne Collins has written the screenplay adaptation for the Hunger Games movie and Lionsgate announced that they hope to begin filming in February of 2011. With Suzanne Collins attached firmly, it seems the movie should stay true to the series and that makes it something worth looking forward to.

2011? Can't wait!

The Last Empress of Korea

One of my favorite parts of the writing process is the research process. I am a total geek at heart and I adore libraries. The best part about being a faculty member of a university is that you have a fantastic university library at your fingertips. It's like manna from heaven! So for the new WIP, I'm working on late 19th century Korea where the Hermit Kingdom was just beginning to open its doors to Europe and America, and the royal government was divided into 3 factions led by Queen Min, King Kogjong and the Daewongun (the King's father who had ruled as regent). These factions were split along pro-Japanese and pro-Chinese lines but it was the Queen's power that intrigued me the most.

Queen Min's life is one of those historical tragedies that had incredible significance in the world but remains largely unknown. There are many factors to it, the largest one being that she was brutally assassinated by the Japanese government who then did everything in their power to vilify her name and eradicate her contribution to history. They went so far as to destroy any and all paintings and photographs of the late queen. All that is left are a few photographs and paintings that may or may not be the queen.

Recently discovered illustration depicting the Japanese Minister
conversing with King Kojong and Queen Min.
From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Fuuzokugahou-Myeongseong.gif

She was known for her open hatred and distrust of the Japanese, afraid that Japan was only out to conquer Korea and bleed it of its resources and people. She was right. But she was smart enough not to trust the Chinese either. Because she felt Korea was in a perilous position, she encouraged Russian involvement in Korea and opened the doors to the US and Europe. Although a devout Buddhist, she showed a high degree of religious tolerance which allowed a new wave of Christian missionaries access to the once closed country. This was in direct contrast to her father-in-law, the Daewongun, who killed thousands of Korean Catholics during his reign as Regent.

The king was a mild, kind man who was weak and ineffectual as a ruler. It was well known that the true power lay first with the Daewongun and then with the Queen. In fact it was the Queen who had the Daewongun removed from power. This led to years of assassination attempts that included an exploding box that killed the queen's closest relative, poison attempt of the queen, and attempted kidnapping. It wasn't until Daewongun collaborated with the new Japanese Minister to Korea that his assassination attempts were finally successful.

On October 8th, 1895, pro-Japanese collaborators allowed 50 armed Japanese men into the palace compound where they killed several women before dragging the queen into the courtyard, hacking her with sabres, sexually violating her, and then finally setting fire to her body.

There are many who speculate that World War II (at least on the Pacific front) might not have happened if the Queen had not been assassinated. It was her increasing encouragement of Russia that prompted Japan to have her killed. Had she survived and had she successfully manipulated the foreign governments interested in Korea, she would have kept Japan out of Korea and Japan would not have grown into the unchecked super power that it did. For when Japan colonized Korea, it took all of Korea's resources and sent it to Japan, enriching the lives of the Japanese while impoverishing the Koreans. (Much is made of the fact that Japan did help modernize Korea also, but a strong case could be made for the fact that such modernization would have occured naturally, like it did in Japan, with the opening of Korean's doors the international world.)

As you can see, I'm enthralled with this topic. It is this history that will play the background to my new speculative fiction WIP. I just hope that others will find this history as fascinating as I do. But one thing is for sure, I'm going to have a blast writing it!

Douchebag juniors

So today I was out with my 3 girls, my niece and my mother-in-law. Because we had no power, we went to Nordstroms at the mall to shop. All 4 girls love the little jewelry accessories that are in the kid's section of the store. But before I would buy them anything, we stopped by the ladies room, which is in the children's section. It has a large lounge area, a separate breastfeeding room and then the toilets. We walked into the ladies lounge and I stopped short when I heard a male voice. I turned and saw a teenage girl sitting on the lap of a teenage boy, in the women's restroom lounge. They were flirting in the ladies room. First of all, yuck. If you're gonna flirt, why the ladies room? Second of all, WTF? You're fooling around in the goddamn ladies room!!!

I walked over to them and said, "Excuse me, but this is the ladies room and you shouldn't be in here." I actually said this in an apologetic manner.

The girl said to me "Do you work here?"

I immediately knew where this was going. "It doesn't matter if I work here or not, he shouldn't be in here."

The girl got real nasty and said loudly, "Did I stutter? I asked if you worked here?!"

"No," I said.

"Then mind your own 'expletive' business!"

I smiled very wide and said "Why don't I get someone who does work here instead, then?"

I stepped out and yelled, "There's a teenage boy in the ladies restroom, please have someone escort him out!"

Realizing that they would be in trouble, the teenagers walked out. The girl gave me a dirty look and called me something that rhymed with plucking witch and threw some other words in there that I won't bother to rhyme at this time.

To which I replied, "Girl, do you really think I give a crap what you call me? As long as you and your little boyfriend are out of here, I don't care."

At this point the security guard had reached them and he started yelling at them.

My mother-in-law, who was with the girls, was in shock. She couldn't believe how rude and nasty this 16 or 17 year old girl had been to me. "The sad thing is," she said. "I bet that she talks to her parents that way also."

Yep, I would bet a lot of money that she does. This is not the first time, nor will it be the last that I run into such nasty behavior from the young. For some reason, this particular area I live in is filled with overprivileged, spoiled, disrespectful douchebags. They start as young as three. I still remember the shock I felt when I watched this mom let her 3 year old smear mashed potatoes and ketchup all over the mirrored walls of a Chicken Out restaurant. The mom didn't stop her, just kept talking to her friend and ignored her kid, even when the kid started screaming for ice cream. At one point the kid screamed so loud, the entire restaurant went dead silent and everyone stared. The mom still didn't do a damn thing. When she finally left, I felt terribly sorry for whoever would have to clean up the humongous Picasso like creation on the mirrors.

I actually think that there are more good kids out there than bad. But the bad ones are so incredibly bad that they stand out like a big ass mole with hairs on the tip of your nose. And the sad thing is that it isn't there fault. Parents have to take responsibility for raising spoiled children who are so self-indulged that they believe they can do anything without consequences and be rude to anybody. It's a sad situation. When I was growing up, I would have been punished severely for being disrespectful to another person. Nowadays kids regularly mouth off at anyone. These Junior douchebags will turn into full sized douchebags and fill the world with their douchebaggery.

So my question is, do we have an obligation to point out douchebag behavior to them and their parents? We have to live with them. They are part of our society. If their parents aren't going to call them out for bad behavior, should we? And what are the repurcussions of that? Can we go around calling kids douchebags? I kind of like that idea, but then are we worsening the problem? I'm not sure what the answer is. But it seems that we are seeing a generation of possibly the most spoiled children ever. What will happen when they grow up? Should we be scared? I kind of am.

Bear Country

We are in Wintergreen Resort, Virginia. It's beautiful and the weather is perfect. It's 80 but not hot. It feels wonderful after the oppressive heat and humidity in DC. The only problem is that we are in bear country and the girls are terrified of bears. I blame Animal Planet.

The girls watched an episode of "When Animals Attack" where a black bear kills and eats two people and goes on a rampage and attacks several others in a Canadian hot springs Mountain resort. The worst part of the show was that they did graphic re-enactments and did the part where the bear apparently begins to eat the people while they are still alive. Why did I let the girls watch this show? I was working on my laptop and the girls like to watch some pet dog show on Animal Planet. By the time I realized what they were watching the damage was done. The girls were officially scared of being attacked by bears.

So Da Man gets the girls up and announces that we are going on a hike. The girls freak and panic and insist that they are not going on any hikes because the bears might eat them. Da Man laughs at them and says we're not going to see any bears.

"Oh yeah? Check this out!" Angus turns on the resort channel that is playing a segment all about bears and how some bears have been known to come right up into people's houses.

"Don't worry, we won't see any bears," he blusters.

"Oh yeah? What about the sign on the trash can?" Oldest asks.



"We are not going to see any bears on our hike!" Da Man yells.

"But what if we do?" Angus whimpers.

"Don't run," he said. "Unless it chases you. Then you need to climb a tree. But then some bears can climb trees."

"Nice job, Einstein," I say as the girls begin to howl in fright.

Lend a Helping Hand

Hey guys,

The Monday post is below for the regular Random Funny Things my Kids say. However, before you scroll down, can you take a moment to read a note from my friend and fabulous author Erica Orloff about helping out another friend of ours. Thanks so much:

In this little corner of the blogworld, most of us are book lovers. Book lovers and writers, people who say, "I've been writing stories since I could hold a pen," or "I was the kid holding the flashlight under the covers and reading past bedtime." In this little corner of the blogworld, we've also watched out for our own.

Merry Monteleone (Mom and More) and her family were in the midst of raging flood waters in Westchester when heavy rains hit Chicago. The contents of the downstairs of her house were lost, and though it's just "stuff" (lives were lost in the flooding), most of us can imagine how it would feel to watch photo albums and meaningful memories wrapped up in the "stuff" of our families . . . be carried off.

While big "stuff" can be replaced with insurance, Merry lost all her books, and a group of us decided to replace them--with Amazon gift cards, with books, with signed copies of books, with ARCs. We want to see the blogosphere flood her mailbox with good wishes and replace her library. If you love books and your TBR pile is as tall as you are, you know what they mean to her.

What can you do? Send books! Send Amazon cards! Reach out to your favorite authors and ask them to send her a signed copy! For her address or more information, contact:

erica@ericaorloff.com

She has three children middle school and younger. Their books were in their bedrooms and most survived, but it would be great to get some books just for them, too!

Namaste!

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 43

We were in Toys R Us Times Square so that Angus could spend her birthday money.

Oldest - So what do you want to buy?

Angus - The only thing I want is an Edward doll. (Angus has a crush on Robert Pattinson of Twilight). I want to kiss him and tuck him in to bed at night. But I'm afraid my lips are too big for his head.

Oldest - Ewwww, the doll looks creepy.

Angus - Don't say mean things about my boyfriend! Ewwwww, you're right, he is creepy!
Can I get a Cedric doll instead? (Robert Pattinson first played Cedric on Harry Potter.)

Oldest - I don't think they have Cedric dolls.

Angus - (sighs deeply) My heart is broken. I'll never be happy again.

Me - Who wants ice cream?

Angus - ME ME ME ME ME ME ME MEEEEEEEE!

If only broken hearts could always be healed by ice cream.

Please don't call me Oriental

The other day an old man made a comment to me that my oriental children were well mannered. I said thank you and tried not to let the oriental comment bother me. After all, he is from a different generation where oriental was the correct term to use for Asians. But it got me to thinking about the word and why it bothered me and I started doing some research and stumbled upon a forum with over 10 pages of back and forth on why it was insulting or why it was ridiculous. And the one comment that really upset me was when someone said "Oriental offensive? Since when did we let foreigners dictate how to use our language?"

It is a telling comment. Its roots based in the notion that Asians are foreigners. The term "oriental" comes from the "orient" which refers to the east. A term that was based on the Eurocentric belief that the Orient was a barbaric and exotic place east of Europe. It is why the word itself is considered derogatory, for it casts "orientals" as different, as foreigners. And when you think of yourself as American, being reminded that you are "foreign" hurts.

When I first started having conversations about race with my children, they would ask me if they should tell people they are Korean. I said no, you say you are American. "But I can't say that," my then 6 year old said. "They say I don't look American." I think as a parent, there are moments that just break your heart because you want to protect your children from the harsh realities of life and you find that you just can't.

The reality is that my kids, me, my sister, my husband - we are as far from being Korean as we are from being Egyptian or Russian. We might look like a Korean and pass for one on the streets of Seoul, but as soon as we open our mouths, our Americanism pours right out. Not just in what we say or how we say it. But in how we think, walk, laugh, carry ourselves, etc. For someone to say "You're not American because you don't look like one." Well then, you might as well strip us of our complete identity. It's like every time someone shouts out "Go back to your own country!" Something inside of us dies just a little bit.

This past spring, youngest came home from kindergarten deeply upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she explained that she was sitting at lunch with 2 of her friends H and M, who are both blond and blue-eyed. Two boys were sitting across from them and were commenting on how pretty H and M are, listing how pretty their eyes were and their long hair, etc. They then turned to youngest and began to comment on how ugly she was in comparison. Youngest was devastated. I was proud of her for standing up to them. Telling them to stop or she would move to another table. When they didn't stop, she made good on her threat and moved away. I was proud of her for taking a stand, but my heart broke for her. She asked me if she really was ugly because she didn't have blonde hair and blue eyes. "No," I said, "you are beautiful inside and out but some people just are blind and can't see a diamond shining so bright in front of them. But that's ok. It's their loss so don't even waste your time thinking about them."

Even in kindergarten, children learn to recognize differences and to comment on them. While I did call the school and had the teacher have the boys apologize to youngest, can we really blame children for deep rooted societal prejudices? They told youngest she was ugly because she was different. Her eyes were different, her cheeks were different, even the one asymmetric dimple she has was different. I told her different is good. I hope she remembers that and never lets this become insecurity.

Many people complain that we've become so PC that we can't say anything for fear of someone getting offended. To some extent, I agree with that and I don't ask for people to be so careful with their words. But ultimately it isn't the words that hurt but the intent behind them and sometimes the words themselves become synonymous with the intent. Calling someone oriental or making chinky eyes might not have been made with a racist intent, but the word and the action have become synonymous with an intent to be racist. So why use them? Yes we are different and I truly believe different is good. But when these differences are used as a way to stereotype people negatively, it becomes racism.

So please, don't call me oriental. I am no devious, slant-eyed, exotic foreigner that speaks cryptically of ancient Chinese secrets. That stereotype needs to die. Help me kill it once and for all.

K-Pop Time!!

Ok it's that time of year where I decide to let you all in on a K-pop video cause I know you aren't getting your Korean pop music fix anywhere else. Ha!

Last year I brought you the Wonder Girls. This year I give the boys a chance to shine. Here's the biggest boy band you'll ever see - Super Junior, or SuJu. Biggest as in they have 10 boys of varying hotness in the band and they can all dance and sing.

So this is Bonamana, they're latest song. It has a good dance beat although it gets a little too electropoppy for me. But damn if it isn't fun watching these boys dance.



If the video is cut off on side, it's cause its HD. Just click on it and it'll take you to the Youtube page.

CinderZombie

Hi guys! Sorry I've been such a bad blogger. It's hard to blog when all 3 aliens are home from school and are not in summer camp. What kind of stupidity is this, you ask? Yes, I was suckered into not sending them to camp by illogical arguments and the use of the sad eyes.


For some reason, Angus and youngest do not like summer camp. Too energetic, they claim. Lazy bums. Oldest is the only one a little bummed out about not going to camp but I've been filling their days with the pool, museums, zoos, movies, playdates, and popsicles. Between constantly entertaining them, feeding them, driving them, feeding them, breaking them up, feeding them, etc. - I barely have time for myself. And because the summer hours have them staying up later, they are cutting into my valuable writing time at night. This is all my excuse for being a bad blogger.

So lately they've been on a zombie drawing kick. If you've seen me on twitter, you've probably seen me uploading pictures of fat zombie, soccer zombie, and my favorite - the Hasidic Jew zombie. But I do think the best of the bunch was this one - Cinderzombie by Angus.

Angus tells me that before Cinderzombie became a zombie, she was a girl named Fred who was terribly ugly. That's why she had a beard. She had 2 beautiful sisters named Bob and Jerry and her mother was named Petunia. One day Fred made the biggest mistake in her life when she accidentally spilled mayo on Bob's shirt and Bob was so mad at Fred that Bob told Jerry and Jerry told Petunia and they were all so mad at Fred and made her do chores all day. One day there was a ball with a handsome prince named Prince Sally (I'm not making these names up - this is all from Angus). Bob told Fred she was too ugly to go to the ball. Which was true, but Fred thought Hey maybe the prince isn't so handsome. But then she saw a picture of Prince Sally and thought "Man is he cute!" So Fred thought again and just did chores and chores and chores and chores and chores...

Fred was crying on her staircase, if she even had one, and then Poof! the magic weasel named Weasel appeared. And Weasel was holding Fred on his lap but then Fred crushed Weasel since he was much smaller than Fred's butt. When Weasel could breathe again he said "I'll grant you any wish you want!" Fred said "I really want to go to the ball." And Weasel said "Uh, isn't there anything else?" Weasel slapped himself on the face and thought "Man this girl is hideous!" and wondered if he had enough magic to make her beautiful for the ball. But all Weasel could do was put her in a pretty dress, hairy legs, beard and everything.

Fred was so excited and went to the ball. At the ball, people fainted at how ugly Fred was but Fred didn't notice because she wanted to meet the prince. When she finally met Prince Sally, her approach chased away all the pretty girls who were hanging all around the prince. Prince Sally turned to Fred and said "Hey thanks a lot! You saved me from being bored to death! Do you want to dance?" The Prince and Fred spent the whole night dancing cause Fred's ugliness kept all the other girls away. But the Prince and Fred talked a lot because they had so much in common like their love of basketball and burping. And the Prince thought Fred was actually quite cute.

Then the clock struck midnight and Fred was going to run away, but then the zombie invasion occurred and everyone got turned into zombies. But Fred was quite happy to be a zombie because it turned out Fred was the prettiest zombie in the world.

The End.

Tale of Iroh

I think most of you know how I feel about the new Last Airbender movie. Do I feel vindicated that it has one of the worst ratings with both critics and viewers alike? Hell yes! But the movie still did surprising well in the box office. Does that make me feel good? Hell no!

The thing is, I don't want this film to do well. I don't want Shamalama to make another Avatar film. Does that make me mean and vindictive? Well, I don't really care. Whitewashing is racist. The fact that the whitewashing was done by a minority director doesn't make it any less racist. It makes it just sad. And the fact that he rests his laurels on the fact that the movie has one of the most diverse casts of any Hollywood movie? Well sir, I hate to point out that you are still confirming the Hollywood idea that a minorities in main character roles cannot carry a film. And everytime someone says "Well it's anime and the eyes are definitely not Asian and Aang looks white and it's an American production..." I just want to punch them in the face and shove bamboo slivers under their nails. Guys - when the show opens, it uses Chinese characters in correlation with the themes of Air, Fire, Water and Earth. They use Asian sounding names. They wear Asian clothing. They live in houses with hanji or shoji - paper covered windows and doors. They use chopsticks when they eat. Need I go on?

But I'm tired of all this crap. Let's celebrate the original series which is an extraordinary animated series that will go down in history as one of the best ever created. Here is a clip from my favorite episode with my favorite character voiced by the fabulous Mako Iwamatsu who passed away after the second season. You don't need any backstory to be touched by this scene. And it makes me cry every time I watch it.

Favorite Google commercial

I guess because I am a child of immigrant parents, this google commercial really gets to me. Or maybe I'm just a sap.



Stolen from the angry asian man blog.

Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 42

Overheard this conversation:

Angus (middle child who is now 9) to Youngest (who is 6)

Angus - "Look, if you have to pick your nose while we are out, make sure to use the hand sanitizer afterward." (I always carry hand sanitizer in my purse.)

Youngest - "What if there's no more?"

Oldest (who is now 11) - "Then don't pick your nose. It's disgusting!"

Angus (whispering) - "Don't listen to her. Everyone picks their nose. That's why your own finger fits in your own nose perfectly." To demonstrate, Angus holds up her finger to Youngest's tiny little nostril. "See, my finger's too big for your nose but yours is just right. Oh but now you got a boogie on my finger. Quick get the hand sanitizer!"

Oldest - "I just don't understand how you guys are related to me."

Random Funny Things My Mom Says - Part 8

The aliens and I are in NYC visiting my parents. As usual my Mom decideed to subtly comment on my weight. We were walking outside to take the aliens to the pier, when my mother turned to look at me and sighed. "Girls, do you know what is the one thing I wish for the most in life?"


Angus - "To win a million dollars?"


Oldest - "That the republicans were back in office?"


Youngest - "That we get a puppy?"


After she poo poohed everything but the republicans comment, she pointed at me and said "I wish someone would put your Mom on a makeover show so that she can be beautiful again."


As I began to choke on my gum, they all turned to look at me. I was wearing a gray t-shirt, jeans, and flip-flops. My hair was wet and the only makeup I ever wear is eyeliner. If it were cold out, I'd probably have a hoodie on. But it was over 90 degrees out and muggy so I was already starting to sweat and get red in the face. I growled menacingly at all of them. No one said another word. Score 1 for Mom.


Later that day my Mom told me that since it was Father's day, we should go buy a watermelon for my dad. "Besides, watermelon is good for your diet," she said.


So we walked over to the local Fairway supermarket which is about a brisk 10 minute walk over on Broadway. My parents have a car in their building's garage, but since we are walking I'm envisioning cubed watermelon in plastic containers or maybe even a pre-sliced quarter of watermelon. I've got my reusable shopping bag in my purse that I carry everywhere so I feel confident that I can carry some watermelon back. But when we get to the supermarket, my Dad bypassed the cut up squares and the presliced watermelon and goes to pick up a big ol' watermelon.


The thing had to be at least 10 to 20 lbs but felt like 50! It was so big it didn't fit in my reusable shopping bag!!! The sales clerk doubled up the plastic bags, but they're so flimsy I had no choice but to carry this behemoth like a baby in my arms for 5 blocks and 2 avenues. For those of you who don't know what a NYC avenue is like - well it is the equivalent of 3 regular city blocks. I carried that thing for exactly 0.7 miles. I checked google maps. Sweat poured down from my hair like I was caught in the middle of a tropical monsoon. My face was magenta and had a little pig built a house out of straw or sticks, I would have easily blown that sucker down with all my huffing and puffing. My arms felt like they were being pulled from their sockets and my legs had turned to lead. Even the aliens buzzed about me sympathetically but were of no help.


As we neared home, I said to my mother, "This better be the most delicious watermelon in the world!"


To which she responded, "Even if it isn't, I told you it was good for your diet!"


A terrible suspicion gripped me. "Is this what you meant by the watermelon diet?!!!"


My mom laughed, "I bet you lost 3 lbs today carrying that thing home!"


Torturous woman 2 points + 10 for sheer evilness
Dummy carrying a hugeass watermelon 0 points


I've decided to trademark the watermelon diet and make a billion dollars selling watermelons in slings for people to carry around everyday. I'll call it the "My Mom is trying to kill me" diet. And I'm sure it will be a bestseller.

Day 1 - The Invasion

The aliens have landed, released from the mother school-ship, they will descend upon me like the hounds of hell. They will demand constant attention. They will eat ravenously but never be full. They will watch annoying television shows with bad theme songs. They will listen to horrible teeny bop music. They will demand to invite more aliens to torture me. They will make terrible messes. They will leave foul odors. They will . . .

They're her e . ..

H E L P M E H E L P M E H E L P M E H E L P M E H E L P M E H E L P M E H E L . . .